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Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Death is hereditary.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Assassins do it from behind.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.