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I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.