THE LAW OF CLAIMO
A Writ for All Seizins
Based on an erotic dream experienced by Dale Redlich, as interpreted by Stuart Gitlitz, Steve Gutter, Ed Galante, and Dale Redlich.
Our interpretation of the rules of civil procedure has led us to the inescapable conclusion that there are many situations in which an adequate remedy cannot be achieved, either by motion, petition, or subpoena. This was not always true, however.
A recent archaeological expedition into the 42nd Street, Grand Central Station men's room has unearthed ancient manuscripts and documents which have since been cleaned, sanitized, and translated. Translations of these documents, to date, indicate that there was, at one time, a writ which could be obtained either judicially, extra-judicially, or illegally. This writ created a remedy which went unrecognized by reasonable men throughout the ages.
This prominent and far-reaching writ was the time-honored Writ of Claimo. Originally deviated from the Phoenician Code (See: 22 Phoenician Code Law Journal, Tablet 3, 1300 B.C; cert. denied), it derives from the ancient Greek word, claimus, which literally translated, means: "Me want that!"
After the demise of the Phoenician civilization, due to an influx of syphilis and scurvy, Claimo next appeared in ancient Egypt. It was used procedurally to make the Pharaoh the wealthiest man in the known world. The key to the success of Claimo under the Pharaohs was the army used to enforce it. After Egypt fell to Charlton Heston (see C.B. DeMille), Claimo was not used again for almost 2,000 years.
Its next appearance was in Mexico City, at the now-famous site of the El Presidente Hotel, when Hernando Cortez, after warmly greeting Montezuma at the gates of the Golden Temple, immediately yelled out, "Claimo!", and proceeded to enslave the entire Aztec civilization. [Note: A little-known historian at the Biloxi Institute for Animal Husbandry, Dr. L.C. Taurus, put forth the theory that a Writ of Claimo was also prepared for use against the Mayan civilization. However, rather than face the consequences of the writ, the Mayans motioned for Dissolution of Civilization under Mexican Rules of Civil Procedure - 1.001 (See: Dissolution of Wetbacks, 34 Biloxi Law Journal 3).
Thus, by the time the Pilgrims landed at "the rock," the legend of Claimo was well known to the Indians. They were powerless, however, to prevent the execution of either themselves or the writ. The writ became embedded in American history as the cry for expansion arose. Lewis and Clark were dispatched under a Writ of Claimo into the virgin Northwest Territory. The Doctrine of Manifest Destiny was merely a Congressional ratification of the time-honored precepts that make up the basis of the writ.
Claimo has been used by many nations in the modern world. Russia used it in eastern Europe, India used it in Kashmir, the U.S. Army implemented the rules of Claimo in the draft law, and the Internal Revenue Service has incorporated Claimo into the tax laws. The United States attempted to use the writ in Southeast Asia, but failed to get the signatures necessary for its execution (See: Procedural Rules, infra.).
Procedural Application
A Writ of Claimo is easily obtainable. The requirements are an obsessive intent to possess and a lack of scruples concerning the means of possession. Notice of intent to institute Claimo is given by the mere utterance of the world "Claimo" in the vicinity of the object to be seized. [Note: Seizure under the Writ of Claimo is not protected by any amendment to the constitution. Once Claimo is instituted, the Claimor is a B.F.C. - Bona Fide Claimor. Thus the entire procedure is clothed with indicia of Claimo.
A Writ of Claimo may be obtained by producing the forged signatures of two viable fetuses, signed in the presence of any disbarred judge or convicted felon. Or, by sending a self-addressed, stamped envelope, together with a box-top from a box of Frosted Flakes with the word "Claimo" written in block letters across Anthony the Tiger (pick any zone). Mail this to Claimo King, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C. Once the writ is obtained, merely fill in the appropriate blanks certifying what it is you are claiming, and it is yours. How about that?
Obviously, the precepts of Claimo have been used substantively and procedurally in both the known and the unknown worlds. However, due to the prejudice, nearsightedness, and general over-sexuality of world leaders since time immorial, Claimo has not been given its proper place in procedural history.
[Note: See future Back Pages of the Polish Lawyer's Trial Guide (right after the front page) for the exciting sequel, "I am Curious Claimo."]
Reprinted from The Slip Street, Oct. 11, 1973.
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