Register for free to join our community of investors and share your ideas. You will also get access to streaming quotes, interactive charts, trades, portfolio, live options flow and more tools.
Register for free to join our community of investors and share your ideas. You will also get access to streaming quotes, interactive charts, trades, portfolio, live options flow and more tools.
THE SECRET OF A LONG JEWISH MARRIAGE
A synagogue in New York City holds marriage seminars for the community.
Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together.
At the men’s seminar last week, the rabbi asked Shlomo about his marriage.
Schlomo replied that he had been married for almost 50 years.
The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands, “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, let her keep a Kosher home, take her on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!”
The rabbi responded, ”Shlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Shlomo proudly replied,
"I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."
Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement..Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time...He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'Startled, Sophia replies,' Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight,But how do you know?'Luiggi answers,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'Rosa answers,'Yes, Luiggi , I do,But how do you know that?'He replies,'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes..How do you like them?' Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luiggi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red...He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,Please, please, tella me this true!'Carmela smiles coyly and answers,'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'Luiggi gasps,'Thanka God ...I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leather shoes.
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over
anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge....?"
UCLA on Alzheimer’s. ...very informative
Food for Thought
"The idea that Alzheimer's is entirely genetic and unpreventable is perhaps the greatest misconception about the disease," says Gary Small, M.D., director of the UCLA Center on Aging.
Researchers now know that Alzheimer’s like heart disease and cancer, develops over decades and can be influenced by lifestyle factors including cholesterol, blood pressure, obesity, depression, education, nutrition, sleep and mental, physical and social activity.
The big news:
Mountains of research reveals that simple things you do every day might cut your odds of losing your mind to Alzheimer's.
In search of scientific ways to delay and outlive Alzheimer's and other dementias, I tracked down thousands of studies and interviewed dozens of experts. The results in a new book: 100 Simple Things You Can Do to Prevent Alzheimer's and Age-Related Memory Loss (Little, Brown; $19.99).
Here are 10 strategies I found most surprising.
1. Have coffee.
In an amazing flip-flop, coffee is the new brain tonic. A large European study showed that drinking three to five cups of coffee a day in midlife cut Alzheimer's risk 65% in late life. University of South Florida researcher Gary Arendash credits caffeine: He says it reduces dementia-causing amyloid in animal brains. Others credit coffee's antioxidants. So drink up, Arendash advises, unless your doctor says you shouldn't.
2. Floss.
Oddly, the health of your teeth and gums can help predict dementia. University of Southern California research found that having periodontal disease before age 35 quadrupled the odds of dementia years later. Older people with tooth and gum disease score lower on memory and cognition tests, other studies show. Experts speculate that inflammation in diseased mouths migrates to the brain.
3. Be a “Googler”.
Doing an online search can stimulate your aging brain even more than reading a book, says UCLA's Gary Small, who used brain MRIs to prove it. The biggest surprise: Novice Internet surfers, ages 55 to 78, activated key memory and learning centers in the brain after only a week of Web surfing for an hour a day.
4. Grow new brain cells.
Impossible, scientists used to say. Now it's believed that thousands of brain cells are born daily. The trick is to keep the newborns alive. What works: aerobic exercise (such as a brisk 30-minute walk every day), strenuous mental activity, eating salmon and other fatty fish, and avoiding obesity, chronic stress, sleep deprivation, heavy drinking and vitamin B deficiency.
5. Drink apple juice.
Apple juice can push production of the "memory chemical" acetylcholine; that's the way the popular Alzheimer's drug Aricept works, says Thomas Shea, Ph.D., of the University of Massachusetts . He was surprised that old mice given apple juice did better on learning and memory tests than mice that received water. A dose for humans: 16 ounces, or two to three apples a day.
6. Protect your head.
Blows to the head, even mild ones early in life, increase odds of dementia years later. Pro football players have 19 times the typical rate of memory-related diseases. Alzheimer's is four times more common in elderly who suffer a head injury, Columbia University finds. Accidental falls doubled an older person's odds of dementia five years later in another study. Wear seat belts and helmets, fall-proof your house, and don't take risks.
7. Meditate.
Brain scans show that people who meditate regularly have less cognitive decline and brain shrinkage - a classic sign of Alzheimer's - as they age. Andrew Newberg of the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine says yoga meditation of 12 minutes a day for two months improved blood flow and cognitive functioning in seniors with memory problems.
8. Take D.
A "severe deficiency" of vitamin D boosts older Americans' risk of cognitive impairment 394%, an alarming study by England 's University of Exeter finds. And most Americans lack vitamin D. Experts recommend a daily dose of 800 IU to 2,000 IU of vitamin D3.
9. Fill your brain.
It < http://brain.it/ ;http://brain.it/ > 's called "cognitive reserve." A rich accumulation of life experiences - education, marriage, socializing, a stimulating job, language skills, having a purpOse in life, physical activity and mentally demanding leisure activities - makes your brain better able to tolerate plaques and tangles. You can even have significant Alzheimer's pathology and no symptoms of dementia if you have high cognitive reserve, says David Bennett, M.D., of Chicago 's Rush University Medical Center .
10. Avoid infection.
Astonishing new evidence ties Alzheimer's to cold sores, gastric ulcers, Lyme disease, pneumonia and the flu. Ruth Itzhaki, Ph.D., of the University of Manchester in England estimates the cold-sore herpes simplex virus is incriminated in 60% of Alzheimer's cases. The theory: Infections trigger excessive beta amyloid "gunk" that kills brain cells. Proof is still lacking, but why not avoid common infections and take appropriate vaccines, antibiotics and antiviral agents?
*What to Drink for Good Memory*
A great way to keep your aging memory sharp and avoid Alzheimer's is to drink the right stuff.
a. Tops: Juice.
A glass of any fruit or vegetable juice three times a week slashed Alzheimer's odds 76% in Vanderbilt University research. Especially protective:blueberry, grape and apple juice, say other studies.
br>b. Tea:
Only a cup of black or green tea a week cut rates of cognitive decline in older people by 37%, reports the Alzheimer's Association. Only brewed tea works. Skip bottled tea, which is devoid of antioxidants.
c. Caffeine beverages.
Surprisingly, caffeine fights memory loss and Alzheimer's, suggest dozens of studies. Best sources: coffee (one Alzheimer's researcher drinks five cups a day), tea and chocolate. Beware caffeine if you are pregnant, have high blood pressure, insomnia or anxiety.
d. Red wine:
If you drink alcohol, a little red wine is most apt to benefit your aging brain. It's high in antioxidants. Limit it to one daily glass for women, two for men. Excessive alcohol, notably binge drinking, brings on Alzheimer's.
e. Try to avoid: Sugary soft drinks,
Especially those sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. They make lab animals dumb. Water with high copper content also can up your odds of Alzheimer's. Use a water filter that removes excess minerals.
Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband. "Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the rest 23 hours!
There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman. Before Marriage and After Marriage.
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences. He Thought He Was God, and I Didn't.
Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet.
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're wet and wild, But When They Go, They Take Your House And Car...
A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You.
"The Man Says Without Hesitation, "I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."
Husband Searching Keywords on Google `How to Tackle Wife? Google Search Result, "Still Searching`.
A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me. Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men. In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her! I'm Going Crazy. What Do You Think I Should Do?" Relax," Says The Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down. Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"
Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife’s Photo and Not Even a Single One Hitting the Target... From Another Room Wife Called The Husband: “Honey What Are You Doing...Husband: “MISSING YOU”...
A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. "Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what I should do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers, "Tell You What. Let Me Talk to Her, I'll See What I Can Find out and I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well, I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied, "Take the poison’
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.........
Women are like phones:
They like to be held,
talked to and
touched often.
But push the wrong button
and you're disconnected......
Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISH. But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.... And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED..... And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!
A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches.
Subject: Italian Wedding Test
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating
for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight mini skirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate.
Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to
check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered
to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her
sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last
wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I
watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are
very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a
better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
A young man sprinkling his lawn and bushes with pesticides wanted to check the contents of the barrel to see how much pesticide remained in it. He raised the cover and lit his lighter; the vapors inflamed and engulfed him. He jumped from his truck, screaming. His neighbor came out of her house with a dozen eggs, yelling: "bring me some eggs!" She broke them, separating the whites from the yolks. The??? ???? ??? neighbor woman helped her to apply the whites on the young man's face. When the ambulance arrived and when the EMTs saw the young man, they asked who had done this. Everyone pointed to the lady in charge. They congratulated her and said: "You have saved his face." By the end of the summer, the young man brought the lady a bouquet of roses to thank her. His face was like a baby's skin.
Healing Miracle for burns:
Keep in mind this treatment of burns which is included in teaching beginner fireman this method. First aid consists to spraying cold water on the affected area until the heat is reduced and stops burning the layers of skin. Then, spread egg whites on the affected are.
One woman burned a large part of her hand with boiling water. In spite of the pain, she ran cold faucet water on her hand, separated 2 egg white from the yolks, beat them slightly and dipped her hand in the solution. The whites then dried and formed a protective layer.
She later learned that the egg white is a natural collagen and continued during at least one hour to apply layer upon layer of beaten egg white. By afternoon she no longer felt any pain and the next day there was hardly a trace of the burn. 10 days later, no trace was left at all and her skin had regained its normal color. The burned area was totally regenerated thanks to the collagen in the egg whites, a placenta full of vitamins.
Airport Security
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
Its an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention to all standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!"
A MESSAGE FROM THE OFFICE OF ATTORNEY GENERAL
STATE OF MICHIGAN :
SITUATION...
While driving on a rural end of the roadway on Thursday morning, I saw an infant car seat on the side of the road with a blanket draped over it.
For whatever reason, I did not stop, even though I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head. But when I got to my destination, I called the Canton PD and they were going to check it out. But, this is what the Police advised even before they went out there to check....
"There are several things to be aware of ... gangs and thieves are now plotting different ways to get a person (mostly women) to stop their vehicle and get out of the car.
"There is a gang initiation reported by the local Police Department where gangs are placing a car seat by the road...with a fake baby in it....waiting for a woman, of course, to stop and check on the abandoned baby.
"Note that the location of this car seat is usually beside a wooded or grassy (field) area and the person -- woman -- will be dragged into the woods, beaten and raped, and usually left for dead. If it's a man, they're usually beaten and robbed and maybe left for dead, too.
DO NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON!!! DIAL 9-1-1 AND REPORT WHAT YOU SAW, BUT DON 'T EVEN SLOW DOWN.
"IF YOU ARE DRIVING AT NIGHT AND EGGS ARE THROWN AT YOUR WINDSHIELD, DO NOT STOP TO CHECK THE CAR, DO NOT OPERATE THE WIPER AND DO NOT SPRAY ANY WATER BECAUSE EGGS MIXED WITH WATER BECOME MILKY AND BLOCK YOUR VISION UP TO 92.5%, AND YOU ARE THEN FORCED TO STOP BESIDE THE ROAD AND BECOME A VICTIM OF THESE CRIMINALS.
THIS IS A NEW TECHNIQUE USED BY GANGS, SO PLEASE INFORM YOUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES.
THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES AND THESE ARE UNSAVORY INDIVIDUALS WHO WILL TAKE DESPERATE MEASURES TO GET WHAT THEY WANT."
Please talk to your loved ones about this. This is a new tactic used. Please be safe.
Get started NOW -- SEND THIS MESSAGE TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES TO BE CAREFUL AND AWARE OF EVERYTHING AROUND THEM SO AS NOT TO BECOME A VICTIM..
WARNING # 2
Some knew about the red light on cars, but not the 112.
It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. Lauren's parents have always told her never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc.
Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called112 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren't, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.
Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her.. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.
I never knew about the 112 Cell Phone feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe place.
*Speaking to a service representative at Bell Mobility confirmed that 112 was a direct link to State trooper info. So, now it's your turn to let your friends know about 112.
You may want to send this to every woman (and man) you know; it may save a life.
This applies to ALL 50 states
PLEASE PASS ALONG TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY, IT CAN SAVE A LIFE....
Not many investors are interested in trading this stock till the 3Q, they don't know which way to go on this stock.........
Wash, rinse & repeat is the only thing that comes to mind, it's just my opinion, I could be wrong though.......
Hey, let's run up our credit cards, living beyond our means also, and maybe we'll get our debt cut in half ...........LOL
Market Reaction = Irrational Exuberance!!!
Smoke and mirrors. Nothing has changed!!!
Deal Translated: Dont worry about 50% of the debt the banks can hide the bad debt on their books, the other 50% you can make payments on it with this 160 billion dollars we are about to give you. Then we can worry about this again next year when Greece is another 160 billion in debt and out of money again. What a pile of crap. Stinks from here to high heaven! Probably got the money from U.S government who is on the verge of bankruptcy.
I use to delete 99% of his posts, he has taken this whole thing far too seriously!!!
AGREED!!!
I don't know why he has to act like this, never seen anyone so silly and ridicules!!!
Perfectly defined!!!
Good work bud!!!
A third grader can write better than this,
CAPS AGAIN??, REALLY????
Pathetic!!!!
1234.56
Very nice, thank you.
Now out in paperback!!
The book "Understanding Women" has finally arrived in book stores:
http://mail.aol.com/34290-211/aol-6/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=31164221&folder=NewMail&partId=3
How long will you live?
This is a calculator that estimates your life expectancy.
It was developed by Northwestern Mutual Life.
It's interesting that there are only 13 questions.
Yet, they can predict how long you're likely to live.
http://media.nmfn.com/tnetwork/lifespan
A young Arab asks his father ;
- "Father, what is this weird headgear we are wearing ?”
- “Why,... it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun” said the father.
- “And what is this type of clothes that we are wearing ?”
- “It's a "djbellah" because in the hot desert it protects our body” said the father.
- “And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?”
- “These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the hot desert, son” ; explained the father.
- “Tell me papa…”
- “Yes, my son ?”
- “Then, why the F...ck do we live in London . . . !!? ”
Laser art in Berlin!
TO MY FINANCIALLY FOCUSED FRIENDS:
The Question of the Day is...
Will the Dollar fall or not?
http://mail.aol.com/34290-211/aol-6/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=31163901&folder=NewMail&partId=3
Always remember,
The Key to Financial Survival is to be a Tight Ass!
CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter:
SLIM
TALL
38D BREAST
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say,
"Oh My God
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
Who said Women have NO Heart?
You just have to know where to look for it ….
http://mail.aol.com/34290-211/aol-6/en-us/mail/get-attachment.aspx?uid=31163620&folder=NewMail&partId=3
President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"
Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look Mr.. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
' Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside..
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'