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Clean Hangover
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
Now that was funny!!! LOLROF
DSLN;
A good looking chart and good news. I know it will do good because I can't get in, going to Wildwood for the rest of the week, bringing my clubs and just might stop of at A.C.
I'm betting this is the start of a correction, all my long term in cash.
Keep the beans coming, I'll bring back some jokes. lol
XYBR, looks like it spikes the begining of every month. Watching CYGX, HAND & CKSW. FWIW
NovoMira;
St. Martin, a very enjoyable island, probally the best in the Carib.
Children's Science Exam Answers
These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: ! Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?(e..g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E,
I, O,and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.!
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you are eight.
Subject: It's Logical
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has
fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would
have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her,
you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have
given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of
all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it
C & P from another board.
If any of you guys get a note from eBay telling you to update your information, don't do it. It's a fraud.
Looks legit. The link looks like an eBay link, but it goes to just an IP address, which aint eBay.
Works just like that Bank American scam.
They even ask for your bank account PIN. Ouch. Lots of folks going to get burned by this one, unfortunately.
Finally some nice weather. eom
cisco;
I forgot about that one, the offer of $.80 per share caught my eye, thanks for the "heads up".
Ron
I think I found a diamond in the rough...TFCT..$.08
Any opinions, TIA
Guess I'm showing my age.
HEC .50, up .08 in A/H
Laptops count, but lap dances do not!
Did anybody see this;
http://www.investorshub.com/boards/photos.asp
Jake;
Thanks for your reply, I'm in no hurry to get into a new position and I'm considering putting my IRA in cash until mid-late Oct. Just heard about this stock and thought the chart was interesting.
IMO we are due for a pullback. FWIW
RMDC, I like the chart and what the co. does, any opinions?
http://bigcharts.marketwatch.com/quickchart/quickchart.asp?symb=rmdc&sid=0&o_symb=rmdc&f...
CNBC reported this the 6th day in a row we were up, the last time we went 7 in a row was in 2000. If we turn red tomorrow, is that a deep breath or the start of the September blues?
LONDON, England (Reuters) -- A giant asteroid is heading for Earth and could hit in 2014, U.S. astronomers have warned British space monitors.
But for those fearing Armageddon, don't be alarmed -- the chances of a catastrophic collision are just one in 909,000.
Asteroid "2003 QQ47" will be closely monitored over the next two months. Its potential strike date is March 21, 2014, but astronomers say that any risk of impact is likely to decrease as further data is gathered.
On impact, it could have the effect of 20 million Hiroshima atomic bombs, a spokesman for the British government's Near Earth Object Information Centre told BBC radio
http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/space/09/02/asteroid.reut/index.html
Jake;
This is one that might interest you..DKEY
FWIW
Ron
He might not like it when you spell your name wrong...
Fred.
Rman
Another tiny stock starting to move ONEV, voice recognition. FWIW
Cisco;
I'm glad you enjoyed them. This weekend was a washout in the "New Jersey Metropolitan" area and I thought I would brighten it up a little.
I'm trying to coin a new phrase.
Have a lazy, Labor Day;
http://www.send4fun.com/pages/flash/lazy_labor_day.cfm
A cool site, not intended for any one poster.
http://www.yourdictionary.com/languages/germanic.html#english
Jake;
Thanks, I put a couple of them on my radar list.
ZZZZZzzzzz.....,?!
WOW!
A lot of lonely people on this board, can't believe how many post on a holiday weekend.
THE Female/Male Dictionary
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up having sex.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Words of wisdom
http://www.mozeyoninn.com/Album/Slides/Fun.htm
travelinglady;
Does anybody really know the female gender?
WE have 3 adult daughters, so I have learned a few things mainly....just say yes!
>Subject: FW: WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YRS MAKES
>> 1972: Long hair
> 2002: Longing for hair
>
> 1972: The perfect high
> 2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
>
> 1972: KEG
> 2002: EKG
>
> 1972: Acid rock
> 2002: Acid reflux
>
> 1972: Moving to California because it's cool
> 2002: Moving to California because it's warm
>
> 1972: Growing pot
> 2002: Growing pot belly
>
> 1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
> 2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
>
> 1972: Seeds and stems
> 2002: Roughage
>
> 1972: Killer weed
> 2002: Weed killer
>
> 1972: Hoping for a BMW
> 2002: Hoping for a BM
>
> 1972: The Grateful Dead
> 2002: Dr. Kevorkian
>
> 1972: Going to a new, hip joint
> 2002: Receiving a new hip joint
>
> 1972: Rolling Stones
> 2002: Kidney Stones
>
> 1972: Being called into the principal's office
> 2002: Calling the principal's office
>
> 1972: Screw the system
> 2002: Upgrade the system
>
> 1972: Disco
> 2002: Costco
>
> 1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
> 2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
>
> 1972: Passing the drivers' test
> 2002: Passing the vision test
>
> 1972: Whatever
> 2002: Depends
O K girls, listen up;
WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
See what happens with our "modern politics"
THE ANT and THE GRASSHOPPER
TRADITIONAL VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no
food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while
others less fortunate are cold and starving. CNN, CBS, NBC, and ABC show
up
to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the
ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit, the frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody
cries when they sing, "its not easy being green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house,
where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome."
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax
hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."
Finally, the EEOC drafts an economic ruling to give the grasshopper
equal benefits from the ants labor from the beginning of summer.
The ant is also fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of
green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home
is confiscated by the government.
Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in
a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel
of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of
single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper
finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he
is
in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The
grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now
abandoned,
is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful
neighborhood.
Sound familiar?
Jake;
Sorry to hear about your father in law, my condolences to you, your wife and her family, and thanks for the heads up. The last time you took off for the windy city without any notification you had the regulars worried.
Ron
Hope everybody saw the article on CNBC this morning about horse racing, pretty interesting, now New Jersey is going to open OTB (off track betting) stores.
CNBC mentioned the virus will be even stronger this weekend starting at 3 pm EDST today. See ya'all on Monday and have a great weekend.
Ron
ERTH had a nice runup today, took it off radar last weekend and HLSH keeps going, been waiting for a correction for 2 months for me to get in, must be plugged into the "E" bunny.
Jake;
A 5 month high and I assume it could go higher. You are the futures guy on this board, how much higher can it go?
Also natural gas will probally keep going up until the end of the year, just hope i'm wrong.
Rman;
The MACD is positive, PPS broke resistance on good volume and the chart is at a 52 week high.
http://bigcharts.marketwatch.com/quickchart/quickchart.asp?symb=comp&sid=0&o_symb=comp&f...
Like you said, tomorrow might give us direction, I hope.