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Oh, danm I opened it, now it's Bank of America taking up half the post. Matt did tell you he is working on it, didn't he?
If I never see a Fidelity Investment ad again, it will be too soon!
This story is kinda humbling and makes some of our "problems" seem very very small. It's a real joy to share when we can..... not just at Christmas either....
Enjoy....
http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=1979904
For all you dog lovers........
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation or its very cold or hot.......or Christmas.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
**********************************
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andrew A. Rooney
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M.Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate." -Sigmund Freud
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -Penny Ward Moser
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." Dave Barry
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog." -Franklin P. Jones
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Hein lein
My Philosophy on Life:
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
God, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance. I cleaned my house yesterday, sure wish you could have seen it.
If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.
If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.
Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!
"Genuine Antique Person," Been there, done that, can't remember!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends - none of us can remember.
Take my advice, I'm not using it!
Okay! I love you! Now can we eat?
You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.
I love to give homemade gifts, ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
SOMETIMES IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH
BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH BULLCHIT!!
Now that I'm older. . .
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
4. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
8. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
9. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
11. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
12. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
13. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
14. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
15. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
To My E-Mail Pals and Relatives
Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head.
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do,
Hope you don't mind me asking
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends,
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you,
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits send.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com.
AMEN
Well;
If I don't sent out a little ditty or some jokes you people just might think I have a life, so here I go.
NASDAQ Holiday Trading Schedule
2003 Dates - Unless noted, the following dates are holidays that The NASDAQ Stock Market is closed.
January 1 - New Year's Day
January 20 - Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday (Observed)
February 17 - Presidents' Day
April 18 - Good Friday
May 26 - Memorial Day
July 4 - Independence Day
September 1 - Labor Day
November 27 - Thanksgiving Day
December 25 - Christmas Day
Early Closings - Market Will Close at 1:00 p.m. ET
November 28 - Day After Thanksgiving
December 24 - Day Before Christmas
December 26 - Day After Christmas
NOTE: 'THE NASDAQ MARKET' Have to assume the whole market.
Jake;
Glad to see you are in a good mood and posting, had me worried a bit. As far as Gumbi goes, I don't think she is talking to fish breath or the other "animals", so I believe she is lurking here. I for one wish she would chime in even if it a one liner, once in a while.
Sure is quiet around here, hope everyone is well.
Didn't know how to copy this, so I copied the post.
http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=1935670
Hussein nabbed! That's really good news-- to just about everyone except him, that is. One would think there might be some "irrational exuberance" in the markets Monday.
Now that I'm older. . .
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
4. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
8. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
9. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
10. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
11. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
12. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
13. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
14. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
15. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
Bill and Hillary
Bill Clinton registers for the draft on September 08, 1964, accepting
all contractual conditions of registering for the draft. Selective
Service Number 3 26 46 228.
Bill Clinton classified 2-S on November 17, 1964.
Bill Clinton reclassified 1-A on March 20, 1968.
Bill Clinton ordered to report for induction on July 28, 1969.
Bill Clinton refuses to report and is not inducted into the military.
Bill Clinton reclassified 1-D after enlisting in the United States
Army Reserves on August 07, 1969, under authority of Col. E. Holmes.
Clinton signs enlistment papers and takes oath of enlistment.
Bill Clinton fails to report to his duty station at the University of
Arkansas ROTC, September 1969.
Bill Clinton reclassified 1-A on October 30, 1969, as enlistment with
Army Reserves is revoked by Colonel E. Holmes and Clinton now AWOL
and subject to arrest under Public Law 90-40 (2)(a) registrant who
has failed to report...remain liable for induction.'
Bill Clinton's birth date lottery number is 311, drawn December 1,
1969, but anyone who has already been ordered to report for induction
is INELIGIBLE!
Bill Clinton runs for Congress (1974), while a fugitive from justice
under Public Law 90-40.
Bill Clinton runs for Arkansas Attorney General (1976), while a
fugitive from justice.
Bill Clinton receives pardon on January 21, 1977, from Carter.
Bill Clinton FIRST PARDONED FEDERAL FELON ever to serve as President
of the United States.
All these facts come from Freedom of Information requests, public
laws, and various books that have been published, and have not been
refuted by Clinton.
After the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, President Clinton promised
that those responsible would be hunted down and punished.
After the 1995 bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed five
U.S.military personnel; Clinton promised that those responsible would
be hunted down and punished.
After the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed 19
and injured 200 U.S. military personnel; Clinton promised that those
responsible would be hunted down and punished.
After the 1998 bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa, which killed 224
and injured 5,000; Clinton promised that those responsible would be
hunted down and punished.
After the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, which killed 17 and injured
39 U.S. sailors; Clinton promised that those responsible would be
hunted down and punished.
*********************************************
Maybe if Clinton had kept those promises, an estimated 3,000 people
in New York and Washington, D.C. that are now dead would be alive
today.
AN INTERESTING QUESTION:
This question was raised on a Philly radio call-in show. Without
casting stones, it is a legitimate question. There are two men, both
extremely wealthy. One develops relatively cheap software and gives
billions of dollars to charity.
The other sponsors terrorism. That being the case, why was it that
the Clinton Administration spent more money chasing down Bill Gates
over the eight years in office, than Osama bin Laden?
THINK ABOUT IT!
*********************************
It is a strange turn of events. Hillary gets $8 Million advance for
her memoir. Bill gets about $12 Million for his memoir yet to be
written. This from two people who spent 8 years being unable to
recall anything about past events while under oath.
Sincerely,
Cdr. Hamilton McWhorter USN (ret)
The Birth of a Tradition
One particular Christmas season a long time ago,
Santa was getting
ready for his annual trip, but there were problems
everywhere. Four of
his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as
fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to
feel the pressure of
being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa
that her mom was
coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When
he went to harness
the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and
two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows
where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards cracked,
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the
toys. So,
frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of
apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered that the elves
had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to
drink. In his
frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot,
and it broke into
hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor. He went to get the
broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of
the broom. Just
then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged
to the door. He
opened the door, and there was a little angel with
a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very
cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on
top of the Christmas tree.
Subject: Test for Dementia
Try it! Only 6 questions.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying;
"If you don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the brain,
so.....
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence. Take the following test and determine if you are losing
it or are still "with it."
OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt
the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even
overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate, such as Children's World."
If you said "water," proceed to question 3
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from
blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house
is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said, "green bricks,"
what the devil are you still doing reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If
you recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines
failed.The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also
failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the third engine
fails before he has time to attempt an emergency landing, and the plane
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and
West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors?
.. . . in East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING
else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from
a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute how
many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said, "360 degrees" or anything other than
"one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you
are obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil, and exit the
room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In
Reading, six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In
Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get
off and 16 people get
on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In
Carmathen,
six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was YOU!!
Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope they do better then
you!
Funny signs
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
If you are working on your taxes, keep this in mind:
http://mo.essortment.com/irssalewashru_rlok.htm
Fred, thanks.
I did notice that one other time, but thought I was seeeing things.
Hey, fill us in with your new talk show gig.
Ron
CNBC streamer said WBR at 62, up 23 points. Whats up with that? lol
Chart
http://jwmelton.com/frank/
I do not subscribe!!
But the charts are cool. IMO
Here you go - see where you fall on the political spectrum (like we don't know each other that well!):
http://www.self-gov.org/quiz.html
p.s. I was a centrist - right in the middle.
Day trading rule;
Here is the proposed rule http://www.nasdr.com/filings/rf00_03.asp
Subject: Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion
developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any
surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing
to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes.
I WAS JUST THINKING........
I was thinking about how the status symbol of today is those pagers that everyone has clipped on their belts. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust"
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ....that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I'd like to say, "No, it's for company!"
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . . . . . . . . . .
A Good Doctor!!
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . . .
they're cramming for their finals.
Did you ever pull into a filling station with a flat...and have someone ask " Tire go flat?" Tell them, "Nope, I was just driving around when these three just swelled up on me."
I was just thinking, MAYBE I should not be thinking!!!!
Those Crazy Southerners.....A guy from Alabama passed
away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas
hotel? Well, when you call the desk and say "I've
gotta leak in my sink" and the clerk says "you go
right ahead!"
How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Oklahoma to 32? Yep! Seems they want
to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do they call reruns of "HEE HAW" in Alabama?
DOCUMENTARIES!!!
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Mississippi. If it had been invented anywhere's else
they'd a called it a Teethbrush!
A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75
and says "you got any ID?" to which the driver replies
"bout wut?"
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
Did you hear the governor's mansion in Alabama burned
down? Yep! Pert' near took out the whole trailer
park.
The library was also a total loss too. Burned both
books and he hadn't even had a chance to color in
either one!
A new law was recently passed in Mississippi that
states when a couple gets divorce they will still
remain cousins!
This should keep you busy all weekend, if not interesting, most of it is weird and some funny.
http://www.abovetopsecret.com/
G D
I went to Phila. about 6 months ago, had to stop at Gino's & Pats, probally the worst 2 cheese sandwiches my wife and I ever had. FWIW
Rheeman;
I think there is a mental block on Dow 10,000 & Naz 2000, just hope it is only a week or so.
Jake;
Please use caution, we are going to get some iffy weather, might be snow, ice or heave rain. Stay in and stay dry.
Ron
Cisco;
I hope you are doing O.K. and since I haven't heard anything about Rocky I assume he is back to where he is suppose to be.
POSO just might break out tomorrow.
DBBD, at 52 wk. high, with increased volume.
Where It's Good to be Overweight
http://tinyurl.com/ww8d
22 Rules of Trading, courtesy of Les:
http://www.investorsinsight.com/article.asp?id=jm112803
*NNMO*
BLOND JOKE;
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with
her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community and from reaching our full potential as
a person. Because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general . and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and
the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that
little shit on your knee
I was tired of being bossed around by my wife; so I
went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I
needed to build my self-esteem,and so he gave me a
book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.
I finished the book by the time I reached my house. I
stormed into the house and walked up to my wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, and said, "From now on,
I want you to know that *I* am the man of this
house,and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my
meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterwards. Then,
after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I
can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess
who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The f...... funeral director," she said.
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ... And that's when I shot the little bastard
Subject: Out of The Mouths of Babes
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She
gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders--their
insight may surprise you. (or not, if you have kids or work with them!)
Better to be safe than........punch a 5th grader
Strike while the......bug is close
It's always darkest before......Daylight Savings Time
Never underestimate the power of......termites
You can lead a horse to water but.......how?
Don't bite the hand that........looks dirty
A miss is as good as a.........Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new.......math
If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning
Love all, trust..........me
The pen is mightier than the........pigs
An idle mind is.......the best way to relax
Where there's smoke there's........pollution
Happy the bride who.........gets all the presents
A penny saved is.........not much
Two's company, three's.........the Musketeers
Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to
go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .....
you have to blow your nose
There are none so blind as.......Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded
You get out of something only what you..... see in the
picture on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way
And the favorite:
Better late than ..........pregnant
AP story just out on adsx rfid. 10:13pm
http://finance.lycos.com/qc/news/story.aspx?story=36650750