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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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Over 75% of people who read that just tried to lick their elbow.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
Leftists are the first to speak of their rights.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Q. What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
A. Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do what?
A. Wear underwear.
Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
Q. What day are more collect calls made on than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation? Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A. A kiss.
Q. Married men revealed that they do what twice as often as single men?
A. Change their underwear.
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. In a recent survey, what did Americans reveal was their favorite smell?
A. Banana
Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A. Gain weight.
Q. What do more women do in the bathroom than men?
A. Wash their hands. Women 80% - Men 55%
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace. This is called propinquity.
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
A. No theme song/music.
Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
A. Skinny dipping
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Exact estimate
Clearly misunderstood
Clearly misunderstood
Taped live
Good grief
Genuine imitation
Found missing
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
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