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"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
- Groucho Marx
A Wild And Crazy Language...
English is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. One in every 7 humans can speak it. More than half of the world's books and 3 quarters of international mail is in English. Of all the languages,it has the largest vocabulary - perhaps as many as 2 MILLION words. Nonetheless, let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
"It is well enough that people of the nation do not understand our banking and monetary system, for if they did, I believe there would be a revolution before tomorrow morning."
--Henry Ford (1863-1947) Founder of Ford Motor Company
"It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!"
- Friedrich Nietzsche
"You can't steal second base and keep you foot on first."
--Frederick Wilcox, writer
"Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good."
- Samuel Johnson
"Learning is not compulsory, but neither is survival."
--W. Edwards Deming, quality expert
BAD NEWS, GOOD NEWS, AND...: "We are deeply sorry," said Joe Rafferty,
chief executive of Britain's National Health Service for the Central
Lancashire region. "This should never have happened." An NHS employee
lost a computer memory stick containing the health information of as
many as 6,360 patients. But the good news is, the clerk who lost the
memory stick made sure the data on the removable device had been
encrypted for privacy. On the other hand, when he lost the device,
there was a sticky note attached to it with the encryption password
written on it. (Lancashire Evening Post) ...And anyone with any
password written on a sticky note isn't entitled to laugh at them.
"I've believed ever since that living on the edge, living in and through your fear, is the summit of life, and that people who refuse to take that dare condemn themselves to a life of living death."
--John H. Johnson (American Businessman, Founder of Johnson Publishing)
Next you know he will also buy and download on his iPOD Touch
Rihanna
good girl gone: RELOADED
Akon
Freedom
What the hell is happening to OU?
Appaloosa is a Western movie with Viggo Mortensen, Jeremy Irons, and Ed Harris (also directed it) and the annoying Renee Zellwegger
... enjoyed this movie a lot
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0800308/fullcredits#cast
Installing some extra protection like Malawarebytes -- Thanks to Bruce and all his guru friends for keeping us safe and running smoothly on Internet and with our computers.
Creating a System Recovery DVD Disc for my new Toshiba laptop ....
Spirit Airlines attempts to collect cancellation fees from Flight 1549 passengers
by Matt Burns on January 19, 2009
Note to self: Do not fly on Spirit Airlines. It seems that the airline is only concerned with charging fees and enforcing them blindly. Case in point is the tale of two passengers that were trying to fly to Myrtle Beach but Spirit Airlines canceled the flight. So, being the friendly company it is, the airline booked the two on Flight 1549. Now, the airline is attempting to collect fees ’cause the couple never used their return flight from Mytle Beach. If I had to guess, I would imagine that’s cause they were white water rafting the Hudson River instead.
Spirit Airlines has a $90 cancellation fee. Since the two do not plan on making the return trip cause of their inprompto New York va-ca, a company represenative insisted on charging them the fee.
Rob Kolodjay said his conversation was blunt, “We survived this air crash and I need your credit card number, he said ‘and our policy is we’re going to charge you $90.””
Who knows how this will turn out, but any company rep that doesn’t analyze the situation rather than quoting company policy shows how the company is ran. Apparently, Spirit Airlines trains their reps to be simple tools and serves them tasty kool-aid out of the water coolers.
http://www.crunchgear.com/2009/01/19/spirit-airlines-attempts-to-collect-cancellation-fees-from-flight-1549-passengers/
Spirit Airlines Tries To Charge Cancellation Fees On Passengers It Put On Flight 1549
By Chris Walters, 11:19 AM on Mon Jan 19 2009,
Update 3:10pm ET: the airline has said it won't charge the men after all.
Spirit Airlines wants $90 each from Rob and Jeff Kolodjay, two of the passengers in last week's U.S. Airways flight 1549, because they're not using the return leg of their tickets. Rob and Jeff were on flight 1549 in the first place because Spirit canceled their original flight.
Rob and Jeff Kolodjay were scheduled to fly on Spirit Airlines to a golf vacation with four other friends on Thursday out of LaGuardia in New York City. Their flight got cancelled, and they were rebooked on to US Airways flight 1549.
When they tried to cancel the return tickets on Spirit they could not use because they never made it to Myrtle Beach, the company representative insisted on charging them a cancellation fee.
Well done, Spirit! You have managed to take the one really awesome airline story of the last few years and turn it into a bad PR opportunity. Please charge yourself a congratulations fee.
http://consumerist.com/5134413/spirit-airlines-tries-to-charge-cancellation-fees-on-passengers-it-put-on-flight-1549
I heard this one on the news and he told Spirit he couldn't give him his card # because it was still in the plane in the Hudson River.
And You Thought You Had E-mail Problems
By Adam Nagourney
For anyone who works for a company that is plagued by e-mail troubles, feel a little sympathy for the members of incoming Obama administration. Tomorrow, they are going to be forced to change their e-mail not once, but twice. That means that they will have had four e-mail addresses over the past four months.
“Because the Presidential Transition office will be closing before our press department has access to e-mail addresses in the White House, we ask for your patience as there will be a period of time tomorrow when it will be a bit more difficult to receive information and to contact us,” Mr. Obama’s transition press office announced tonight. “To that end, we have created interim e-mail addresses where you will be able to email us, which can be found below.”
O.K., so throughout the campaign, Mr. Obama’s got their e-mail through a barackobama.com domain. Next up, they were all assigned addresses at the presidential transition committee (@ptt.gov). Tomorrow at some point, presumably, they will get their prestigious White House address (@who.eop.gov).
But for a few hours on Inauguration Day, they will have to rely on – what else – Gmail, Google’s popular Web e-mail service.
The address pattern is wh.LASTNAME@gmail.com.
And yes, we just sent an e-mail out to wh.OBAMA@gmail.com. We’ll let you know what he says.
http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/01/19/and-you-thought-you-had-e-mail-problems/
Dump-friends-for-Whoppers application irks Facebook
Fri Jan 16, 3:58 PM
SAN FRANCISCO (AFP) - Burger King said Friday that pressure from Facebook has caused it to yank an application that gave members of the hot social networking website a Whopper for every 10 friends they dumped.
Before the Whopper Sacrifice Campaign was halted, 233,906 friends were "sacrificed" by Facebook users more interested in relationships with the global fast-food chain's specialty hamburgers, according to Burger King.
"While Facebook was a great sport, they did ask for changes that would have resulted in a different approach to our application," a Burger King spokesperson said. "Ultimately, based on philosophical differences, we decided to conclude the campaign."
The Burger King application could be installed free by Facebook users, who were then rewarded with a Whopper for every 10 names they removed from their rosters of friends at the website.
Changes sought by Facebook reportedly included ditching an application feature that sent deleted friends messages informing them that an online pal preferred a hamburger over them.
"We encourage creativity from developers and companies using Facebook Platform, but we also must ensure that applications meet users' expectations," said a spokesperson for the social-networking service.
"After constructive conversations with Burger King and the developer of the application, they have decided to conclude their campaign rather than continue with the restrictions we placed on their application."
The Whopper campaign website on Thursday offered an "Angry-gram" service that people could use to send animated insulting burgers to "let someone know they annoy the hell outta you."
Angry-grams are meant as jokes and not to be used for harassment, Burger King notes on the website.
Copyright © 2009 Agence France Presse. All rights reserved. The information contained in the AFP News report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed without the prior written authority of Agence France Presse.
Copyright © 2009 Yahoo! Canada Co. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy - Terms of Service
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
- W. C. Fields
glad it worked out for you:)
I am finally getting comfortable with new laptop and learning to use Vista Windows which so far I like lot!
I am getting about 22M updates on that new laptop, but I was told to get them all!!!!
All using a 60 day trial version of Norton 360 and MS Office ....
Wow ...thats all I have so for!!G/L.
Wow, scary start as ....
I just had a Toshiba delivered that I bought on line delivered by Post Office. I set it up carefully according to instructions.
It showed me the desktop once with icons about the trial versions etc -- Now it shows me log-in, I enter my password, but then all I get is "Preparing your system. This might take a few minutes. The system may restart automatically. Please wait ...."
But it stays like that ....!
OS is Premium Vista Premium on a Toshiba 300
Is hard drive kaput already or defective OS?
Thanks! Not a good start for my first laptop experience
Seems fine after hanging on that stupid message over and over and I was going to call 1-800-Gimme-Valium!
Hound on the hooch...
POSTAGE DUE: When a relative in Florida asked for their address, Rodney
and Juanita Annis of Nictaux, N.S., Canada, keeping with a family joke
about their rural location, replied online: "1 tree past the squirrel's
hole, 3 runs past the deer lick, 1 leap over the felled oak tree." The
relative sent the Christmas card to "Hick in the Woods" at that
address, without even a province or country listed -- and it was
successfully delivered. "We laughed our fool heads off," Juanita said,
adding she suspects that their real address was attached using a
removable sticker, and that Canuck postal authorities were in on the
joke. "With Canada Post, everything's possible," a spokeswoman said.
"The impossible sometimes, too." (Canadian Press) ...Right: sometimes
Canada Post can't find Toronto.
don't ask for too much from that sector of society
From a spam email,
Dear CitiBank Online customer,
During our regualry scheduled accounts maintenance
First I don't bank with them.
Second, you think they could at least use spell check.
Thank you Fleaster!!
My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time,
simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy
Shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He
smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast
as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the
woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started.....
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfri end. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly
silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability,
too.'
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
good one ...I know people like that.lol
And you thought your job was bad?
"Non-cooperation with evil is as much a duty as is cooperation with good."
--Mahatma Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Breaking News Alert
The New York Times
Friday, January 9, 2009 -- 11:43 AM ET
-----
Illinois House Impeaches Blagojevich
The action sets up a state Senate trial on whether Gov. Rod
R. Blagojevich should be thrown out of office over
allegations of corruption and abuse of power.
"...[W]hen someone makes you angry, it is as if they shot an arrow at your heart. It doesn't hit you, but lands right at your feet. Then you pick up the arrow and stab yourself with it over and over and over again. That's what happens. Anything in life can be the cause of getting upset, but the choice to be upset or not is our own. Anger is the worst poison of the mind - the grossest, most obvious one. Subtle anger is even worse."
"The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of
today."
--Franklin D. Roosevelt
Old Is When...
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,
'OLD' IS WHEN..
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You're not sure if these are jokes.
Awesome! I love it -- thanks!!
The Rolling Stones - Time Is On My Side
Today is my birthday .... Tempus fugit
or
to the sound of
TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE
by
Rolling Stones
New Year’s Resolutions That Are Easy To Keep
1. Read fewer books. A little learning is a dangerous thing. Too much of it can really wreck your head.
2. Gain weight, at least 40 pounds. Didn't your mom always say you were bit skinny.
3. Cut down on exercise. Too much is bad for your health, it can even kill you.
4. Watch more TV. It's very educational. Catch up on all those programs you missed down the years.
5. Draw up a list of people who were nasty to you in the past year, get your own back on them in the next year!
6. Drink more. Wasn't it Benjamin Franklin who said, beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. So be happy.
7. Eat more nice things like candy, Big Macs, popcorn and ice cream. Eat less junk like fresh fruit, vegetables and soy nuts.
8. Work less. Take it easy. All work and no play can make you a dull boy or girl.
9. Play more computer games. Scientists say they're good for you and improve your visual skills. But you always knew that.
10. Take up some worthwhile new habit, like smoking - it helps keep tobacco workers in jobs.
Those born on the 4th of January are creative, gifted, unique, intelligent, lively, expressive, and extremely special.
You are:
- dedicated to acts of kindness on a personal level and acts of humanity on a public level
- adventurous and want to see and do things that most people miss because they are concentrating on the more mundane aspects of life
- vocal about your opinions
- strong in character - moral, responsible and disciplined.
- sincere and honest
- driven and focused under pressure
- in control of your emotions
- level-headed and rational
- objective
- a bit stubborn, but only in the most charming of applications
- quiet and introspective
- extremely loyal and respectful
- ethical to the end
This coming year is good for:
- projects involving technology
- effective communication
- trusting your intuition, which will be extremely strong, and your insights which will come from "out of the blue"
- completing those little household projects that will make your spouse treasure your charming self more than ever....
All very good questions!
Thank you for making it all clearer!
Ponderings for the New Year, Part 2...
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Ponderings for the New Year...
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
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