MOM'S SECRET ROOM

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Warning Signs That You Need A New Lawyer

You met him in prison.
During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ."
He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25."
Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

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Going to Hell

So, there's this lawyer who dies and goes to Hell. The lawyer sits in the waiting room for hours, then Satan finally gets to him.

"Welcome to Hell," Satan says. "Have you decided what your Hell is going to be yet?"

The lawyer, confused, says, "Well, no. What do you mean?"

Satan replies, "Well, we have different types of hell based on your life experiences. You were a lawyer, right? Well, you need to choose between Door A and Door B. Go ahead and think about it. I'll be back in awhile to hear your decision."

Well, the lawyer gets up and opens Door A. Inside is a courtroom where the judge is yelling, slamming his gavel, and ruling against every case the poor lawyers inside present. The clients are wailing, the lawyers are crying; it's just terrible!

"Hmm," the lawyer thinks, "That certainly doesn't look too good. I wonder what Door B has?"

Inside Door B the lawyer sees client after client passing lawyers by for other, unknown counsel. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many ambulances they chase, they can't secure a client. It doesn't take long for the lawyers to turn on each other, maiming and wounding one another in an effort to be the most attractive to the clients.

"Well, I certainly don't want to spend my eternity in this room of desperation and greed," the lawyer thinks. So what to do? Off to the side of the two doors, the lawyer sees another unmarked door. Curious, he sneaks a peek inside that room. Inside is a beautiful office filled with spectacular furnishings, state of the art equipment, piles of money, and the most gorgeous legal assistants you can imagine. The lawyers inside sit back and count their money while these wonderful assistants do all the work for them, and in no time at all!! If a lawyer complains of a headache, one of the beautiful assistants massages his temple. If a lawyer wants something to eat or drink, the legal assistant fetches it immediately. If a lawyer complains of sore feet, the legal assistant rubs his feet.

"Now THAT'S more like it!!" the lawyer says to himself.

When Satan returns awhile later, he asks the lawyer which door, A or B he wants to spend eternity in. The lawyer says, "Well, neither, Satan, but I did see this other door over here that looks pretty good. THAT'S where I want to spend eternity."

Satan says, "No, that's not an option."

The lawyer questions, "Why not? I was a lawyer, after all, and that room was filled with lawyer type stuff."

Satan chuckles. "No, you don't understand. You have to pick the hell for lawyers...that door is hell for legal assistants.

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Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!

"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

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Lawyer and the Priest

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.

Then he thought "Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer" and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything.

He turned to the priest and said "Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road" And the priest said "Don't worry son, I got him with my door"

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Valentine Card

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

''But why?'' asks the man.

''I'm a divorce lawyer."

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Married in Heaven

One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had an accident and were killed. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St.Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, " If things don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?

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Louisiana Law

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

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Do You Know Me?

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Burns. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Treviño since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

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How to win

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

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Lawyer in Heaven

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to stay. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room manison with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and i'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

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Going to Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer getsdissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designingand building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning andflush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer isgoing to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, andI'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just whereare you going to get a lawyer?"

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Honesty

A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

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Legal Eyesight

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

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Confusing Farmer

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

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The Lawyers Last Stand

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

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Legal Consultation

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, bee-lines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 for legal consultation.

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Train Conversation

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...

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One Less Lawyer

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

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Lawyer's Brain

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:

"How much for Engineer brain?"

"3 dollars an ounce."

"How much for other generic profession brain?"

"4 dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"100 dollars an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

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Billing per Hour

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himselfat the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.

"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

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Don't Trust Golfing Lawyers

A mafia Don was golfing with two golf associates: a deaf man and his interpreter lawyer. Since the Don was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from his private businesses, he ask the lawyer to ask the deaf man if he was willing to help. This way if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police about what he was doing. The deaf man accepted.

On his first week, the deaf man picked up over $50,000. He decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place. The mafia Don realized that the collection was late, and he sent a hood after the deaf collector. The hood found the deaf collector and ask him where the money was. The deaf couldn't communicate with him, so the mafia hood drags the guy to the lawyers office to interpret. The mafia hood says to the lawyer, "Ask him where da money is."

The lawyer signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The lawyer tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the basketball star and says, "NOW ask him where da money is."

The lawyer signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."

The lawyer says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

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Lawyer's Revenge

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read "Consultation: $25.00."

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The Lawyer and the Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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The Godfather

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the three million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the @#!* money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "Okay! Okay! The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well, what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

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Lawyer Defending a Thief

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

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Lawyer on Vacation

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

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Satisfaction from a Lawyers Office

A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."

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The Kind Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

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The World's first Profession

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.
The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.
"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?"
"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer.

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Why do most statistics professors at Case Western Reserve University have a clean record, but a few get put in prison for life?
There is an uncommon level of VARIANTS in the area!

*Thanks go out to John Newbrough, a statistics student at Case Western Reserve, for relating this demographic oddity for the Gallery. This has to imply that Western Reserve is Number One in the the respect shown for the discipline!

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SOME BEHAVIORAL TRAITS OF A STATISTICIAN TO PONDER
(1) Picks the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4 , 5, and 6 in the State Lottery.
*Hey, what's wrong with these? This set of six numbers is just as likely as any other set of six numbers from 1-52 such as 35, 8, 44, 23, 32, and 10! A statistician just likes order in his life.

(2) Carries a Brannock Device (See Shoe Quiz) in his car trunk rather than a small air compressor.
*It is more important that his passengers have correct fitting shoes rather than having the correct amount of air pressure in his tires!

(3) Loves riding a roller coaster because the quick ups and downs remind him of his arm motions when drawing normal curves on the blackboard.
*Now if he could only draw a straight score-scale line on the board he would have it made!

(4) Displays fickleness when he relishes showing his class that in baseball, Pete Rose's 44 game hitting streak was slightly more improbable than Joe Dimaggio's 65 game hitting streak but yet would vote to keep Rose out of the Hall of Fame.
*What? This is unbelievable! The key is that Rose had a lifetime batting average of .300 whereas Dimaggio's was .325 and this differential does not overcome the more games that Rose played in that season.

(5) Shows an almost exclusive preference for hypothesis testing over confidence intervals in making inferences as most applied statisticians do. But then is speechless when a student remarks ,"But sir, if we reported confidence intervals then we wouldn't have to fuss with Type I and II Errors or the Power of the test!"
* How true! How true! But we must always support Neyman and Pearson and forever keep their names in front of the statistical community.

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A reader of this Gallery sent me a very amusing story.
He took advantage of one of those online offers...a free credit report. He was delighted to learn that his credit rating was better than 100% of those who had received such a report...which obviously included himself. "Whoopee!!!, he exclaimed, my credit rating was better than MY OWN!!! It just doesn't get any better than that."

*Harley(I need your last name), thanks for this cute anecdote. This does hit on a point that I have been frequently asked about. Can a person's score in any distribution fall at the 100th percentile or more precisely can his score have a percentile rank of 100? If you subscribe to classical test theory, the answer is technically NO. Suppose that person A had a top score of 23 on a 25 item test with the remaining 49 other students scoring below 23. Then assuming the scores are continuous, person A's true score would be between the real limits of 22.5 and 23.5. The only way that person A's score would have a percentile rank of 100 would be if his true score was between 22.5 and 23. Since it is just as likely that his true score is between 23 and 23.5, we generally compromise and assume 1/2 of his score is between 22.5 and 23 and the other half is between 23 and 23.5 (a whacky assumption but more plausible if you had several scores of 23). Thus the percentile rank of person A would be (49 + (1/2 x 1))/50 = 49.5/50 = 99. Most modern authers subscribe to the above line of thinking but as we all know, statistics is heavily laden with many assumptions.

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You can always TELL a statistician,
But you cant tell him much!!

*I might add that if you tell a statistician TOO MUCH he would feel cheated out of making an inference. Thanks once again to Doc Finstuen for this truism from "ALAMO" country in Texas.

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Three statisticians went hunting. When they arrived at the forest three deer stepped out in a line directly across from the three statisticians. The statistician on the right fired and hit his deer, then the statistician on the left fired and hit his deer. At that point the statistician in the middle said, "Well boys we all got our deer, lets go home!"
*OK! This one may take a while to even elicit a smile. In fact, it took me over a day to realize what was funny here. Just think about basic analytic geometry and the "a ha" will hit you. Bruce Hunn sent me this clever story from the Army Research Laboratory in Ft Huachuca, AZ. Many Thanks!

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I don't know why people are so negative about statistics and statisticians. I'm only a first-year student, and statistics has already taught me everything I need to know about life--always Proceed with Caution and Reject H0!
*Thanks to Priscilla Mok at the Hong Kong International School for sending me this little testimonial about the field of statistics. Don't forget, Priscilla, to mention that the statistical literature is laced with all those positive Chi-Squares and F-ratios that also perk up your day.

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An elderly statistician complained to a younger statistician one day that he was having a "senior moment" when he forgot what integrating the normal probability density function produced. The younger statistician said not to worry because all he had to do was to set "junior moment" on his moment generating function and it would spit out "area under the curve." The elderly statistician stared vacantly for a few seconds then confessed that his moment generating function had no such setting and suggested that the younger statistician may have also just had a "senior moment"!
* This little exchange I wrote is dedicated to Professor Robert V. Hogg of the Statistics Department at the University of Iowa who taught me all about moment generating functions. Professor Hogg was an outstanding instructor and his upbeat attitude and interjection of fun into his lectures first gave me the notion that just maybe statistics did not have to be dry and humorless.

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Variance is what any two statisticians are at. How sad because this automatically violates the assumption of homogeneity of variance. However, if the statisticians are robust then everything will work out between them.
*Thanks to Sweta Sorab of GE Energy Servicees Marketing Forcasting for forwarding me the first line of this quip. I added several lines to continue the fun-poking at the statisticians.

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Three of the Most Embarassing Outcomes for a Statistician and Their Workarounds:
(1) Result: The intercorrelations between a fairly large set of variables has exactly 5% of the coefficients that are significant at the .05 level. Solution: Try to remain upbeat. Lighten up and use the .10 level of significance and stress to the readers that these results represent an early exploratory study!

(2) Result: In a 3x3x4x4x5 Factorial ANOVA the Five-Way Interaction turns up significant at the .01 level. Solution: Curse under your breath that you used a five-factor design. Then instruct your graduate assistant to conduct FIVE Four-Way ANOVAs, one for each of the five levels of the 5th independent variable, to take two aspirin, and call back in the morning!

(3) Result: The F-test for a One-Way ANOVA with five treatment groups is significant at the .05 level but NONE of the pairwise comparisons between the five means is significant. Solution: Cry hard and then work your tail off to find some obscure, meaningless complex comparison that is significant such as the average of the first three treatment means is significantly different from the average of the last two treatment means!

*The above are my own dreaded results. I am sure the readers have their own convoluted and shocking statistical anomalies. Please email me your most feared and or realized statistical outcome and I will put it in the Gallery.

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Statistics play an important role in genetics. For instance, statistics prove that numbers of offspring is an inherited trait. If your parent didn't have any kids, odds are you won't either.
*This is a neat little quip. Thanks Hugh W. Graham, a Quality Engineer from Abbott, for passing this one along.

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A ONE-WAY ANOVA shouted at a TWO-WAY ANOVA: "STOP! Turn around - You are going the wrong way!"
The TWO-WAY ANOVA yelled back: "Sorry! I will turn when I see an interaction!"

*Well, maybe ANOVA's should be required to pass a drivers test. Who would have dreamed ANOVA's would be driving fancy cars in the 21st Century. The attribution on this one points a one-way arrow at yours truly!

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A naive researcher approached a statistician one day about analyzing some data.
Researcher: "How do I test the difference between four treatment group means?"

Statistician: "Perform an Analysis of Variance."

Researcher: "But I don't want to test the difference in the group variances!"

Statistician: "You aren't! You are comparing the ratio of the variation between the group means to the combined variation within the groups to see if it is beyond chance."

Researcher: "You simply don't understand. You persist in talking about variation which does not interest me in the least!"

Statistician(Exasperated and Angry): "O.K. I have an alternative for you which is called the Interocular Test. Just examine any difference in the means and if it STRIKES YOU RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES, declare it significant!!!"

*Isn't it rather ironic that the significance of the differences between a set of means can be tested by the ratio of two variances? Sir Ronald Fisher was very cagey when he perfected this seemingly contradictory procedure. This little story is my own so you know where to shoot the barbs.

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Democrats believe there is only one poll that matters...It takes place on Election Day.
Republicans also believe there is only one poll that matters...However, it takes place in Florida on Election Day.

Statisticians regretfully throw up their hands in despair because they concede what REALLY matters is a biased poll with a sample size of nine... The members of the Supreme Court!!!

*I will take full responsibility for creating this one. The question is could it happen again??

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I.R.S. statistics show that the average American now works 3 and 1/2 hours every day for the government, which comes out to 1 and 1/2 more hours than civil servants do!!
*This is really a shocker. I always knew civil employees were underpaid but there now appears to be a fringe benefit. I am sorry I don't have an attribution on this neat comparison.

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What is a triple-blinded, completely randomized case-control clinical drug trial?
One in which the patients do not know which drug treatment they are receiving, the nurses do not know which drug treatment they are administering, and the physicians conducting the study do not know what they are doing!!!

*I have always wondered why physician's recommendations from medical research studies change almost every six months. Thanks to Kenn Finstuen from Texas for another dandy. This should immediately be recognized by Stanley and Campbell in their work that classifies types of experimental designs.

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A new Ph.D statistician had just taken a position with the Bureau of Standards. One of his first tasks was to familiarize himself with the volumes of measurement standards for the vast array of objects in the world. He was immediately curious about his own profession and looked up "statistician." Among the list of physical characteristics, he came across a shocking figure...The mean weight of all statisticians in the world is 3 POUNDS. He gasped in disbelief. He thought surely this was a typographical error and that the first two digits had been omitted. Then he squinted and noticed a small asterisk by this figure. He quickly directed his eyes to the bottom of the page. He sighed a breath of relief as the footnote boldly stated, "INCLUDES URN."
*I think this easily EARNS a grade of "A" as a statistician joke. I now understand why textbooks and instructors are obsessed with examples of drawing Balls from Urns when probability theory is introduced. If you think this a lame joke, I will take all the blame but remember I am an Odd Ball that has always drawn Chips from Bowls.

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In China, even if you are a one out of a million kind of guy, there are thousands more just like you!!
*Gee this is sad. In the US I would settle for being a one out of a thousand kind of statistician and know there are not thousands more like me. Thanks to Dennis Lankin from the UC at Berkeley for this play upon numbers.

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A statistics professor was describing sampling theory to his class, explaining how a sample can be studied and used to generalize to a population. One of the students in the back of the room kept shaking his head. "What's the matter?" asked the professor. "I don't believe it," said the student, "why not study the whole population in the first place?" The professor continued explaining the ideas of random and representative samples. The student still shook his head. The professor launched into the mechanics of proportional stratified samples, randomized cluster sampling, the standard error of the mean, and the central limit theorem. The student remained unconvinced saying, "Too much theory, too risky, I couldn't trust just a few numbers in place of ALL of them." Attempting a more practical example, the professor then explained the scientific rigor and meticulous sample selection of the Nielsen television ratings which are used to determine how multiple millions of advertising dollars are spent. The student remained unimpressed saying, "You mean that just a sample of a few thousand can tell us exactly what over 250 MILLION people are doing?" Finally, the professor, somewhat disgruntled with the scepticism, replied, "Well, the next time you go to the campus clinic and they want to do a blood test...tell them that's not good enough ...tell them to TAKE IT ALL!!"
*This has to rank with the very best of the stat jokes and is also very instructive. Many thanks go out to Kenn(Doc) Finstuen for sending me this jewel. Kenn, who is a consulting statistician from San Antonio, Texas sent me a package of materials several years ago that were misplaced until recently. Sorry Kenn, this should have been in the Gallery much earlier.

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Why did the statistician take Viagra?
Since his sample was large, he did not want to be rejected with a small p-value and be declared practically nonsignificant!!

*Thanks to Philip J. Politis from the URI Fisheries Department for passing this joke along. However, I will not touch this with a ten-foot pole.

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Day of the quiz:
Professor: "OK students, you have fifteen minutes to plot the bivariate distribution between A and B, fifteen minutes to compute the correlation between A and B, and 5 SECONDS to compute the kurtosis of B."

One student stands up very worried: "Excuse me Professor, how can we posssibly compute a kurtosis in 5 SECONDS?"

The Professor looks at the class very reassuring: "No need to be worried, kids, IT TAKES ONLY A MOMENT!!"

*Sorry this joke got lost in my notes. But, I want to take this moment to thank Marcello Galluccci of the Free University in the Netherlands for this little tidbit of humor.