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A Bayesian is one who, vaguely expecting a horse, and catching a glimpse of a donkey, strongly believes he has seen a mule.
*This got lost in the shuffle last spring. A belated thanks to Ken Lienemann.
There was a very old Peanuts cartoon in which Charlie Brown was addressing his baseball team at the end of the season. He recited numerous dismal statistics such as: Runs scored by us 12, by opponents 125. At the end of the speech he yells out: "And what are we going to do about it?" to which the team answers in unison: "Get a new statistician!"
*Thanks to David Lane of Rice University for this little jewel.
Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York. Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
*This was found at the Dynamic StatisticsTM software site of Key Curriculum Press at Fathom
An undergraduate psychology major was totally hung over for the final exam in abnormal psychology. He was somewhat relieved to find that the exam was a true/false test. He had taken a basic stat course and did remember his professor once performing a coin flipping experiment. Since his brain was pretty mushy he decided to flip a coin he had in his pocket to get the answers for each question. The psychology professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin ...writing the answer, on and on. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the room except for this one student. The professor walks up to his desk and angrily interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, it is obvious that you did not study for this exam since you didn't even open the question booklet. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, why is it taking you so long?"
The stunned student looks up at the professor and replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin): "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
*This is real cute but unfortunately I don't have an attribution for it. Can anyone claim it?
Did you hear about the statistician who had his head in an oven and his feet in a bucket of ice? When asked how he felt, he replied, "On the average I feel just fine."
*Thanks to George Litman for reminding me of the first statistics joke I had ever heard. This just might be the granddaddy of them all.
Physicist, a Biologist, and a Statistician see two people enter a house, and then after some time, they see three people leave the house.
The Physicist concludes, "My initial observation must have been incorrect." The Biologist concludes, "Clearly, the two reproduced..." The Statistician concludes, "Well, if one more person enters the house, then there will be no-one in the house!"
*A big thanks to Paul Dickman for this subtle piece of humor that many of my friends just don't understand.
In God we trust. All others must bring data.
*This emphasizes the lofty status of statistics in our everyday lives. This one is attributed to Robert Hayden, Plymouth State College.
A retired statistician purchased a brass Aladdin's lamp at an antique shop one day. Being very proud of his purchase, he cradled the lamp with one arm against his chest and began his walk home. He had only walked a block when he was startled by a belch of smoke from the lamp and the appearance of a magic genie.
"Hello kind sir," said the genie. "I am here to grant you three wishes. Since you have toiled your entire life with numbers to benefit people in many different professions, the only provision is that these wishes must also benefit others. To insure that this happens, those three lawyers walking on the other side of the street will each receive DOUBLE what you receive."
Now the statistician recalled some bad experiences with lawyers but was still excited and agreed to the conditions. The genie smiled gleefully and asked the statistician for his first wish. The statistician thought only for a second and responded,"I would like a brand new red Ferrari automobile." Poof! A sparkling red Ferrrari appeared. He then looked across the street and saw six red Ferraris pop up, two for each lawyer.
The genie smiled broadly and asked the statistician for his second wish. With very little thought the satistician said "I would like a million dollars." Poof! A million dollars appeared in a gilded suitcase. He quickly glanced across the street and saw that each of the three lawyers received two gilded suitcases containing a million bucks each.
By this time, the statistician was becoming somewhat angry because he thought the lawyers were receiving more than their fair share. The genie then admonished him that he had only one last wish and should think very carefully about what he wanted. The statistician painfully puzzled over his last wish for several minutes. He finally replied,"You know all my life I have always wanted to be an organ donor so I hereby wish the donation of ONE of my kidneys to the local hospital! Poof! A kidney was donated .........
*Thanks to my son Joel for telling me this and I will admit to slightly altering the original. Many people required an explanation of this one.
Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average number of legs? It's obvious really; amongst the 57 million people in Britain there are probably 5,000 people who have got only one leg. Therefore the average number of legs is:
((5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)) / 57,000,000 = 1.9999123
Since most people have two legs...
*Thanks to Joachim Verhagen's Science Jokes for this play upon numbers.
somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history, "replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects!
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for statistics? "The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill that is about twice the size of a jawbreaker and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for statistics?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist understandingly nods his head and replies "Well, you know statistics always was a little hard to swallow."
*Thanks to Matt Holtz for a glimpse of how education will be dispensed in the 21st century.
A statistician is someone who is skilled at drawing a precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.
*This one has been rattling around in my brain but I seem to have trashed the email of the kind person that sent me this. Someone please step forward and claim this!
Three roommates slept through their midterm statistics exam on Monday morning. Since they had returned together by car from the same hometown late Sunday evening, they decided on a great little falsehood. The three met with the instructor Monday afternoon and told him that an ill-timed flat tire had delayed their arrival until noon.The instructor, while somewhat skeptical, agreed to give them a makeup exam on Tuesday.
When they arrived the instructor issued them the same makeup exam and ushered each to a different classroom. The first student sat down and noticed immediately the instructions indicated that the exam would be divided into Parts I and II weighted 10% and 90% respectively. Thinking nothing of this disparity, he proceeded to answer the questions in Part I. These he found rather easy and moved confidently to Part II on the next page. Suddenly his eyes grew large and his face paled. Part II consisted of one short and pointed question.......
"Which tire was it?"
*This is my own homegrown joke that was motivated by the dramatic increase in grandmother deaths on the day of an examination!
It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.
*This one is credited to S. den Hartog by way of Joachim Verhagen's Science Jokes page.
Here are two variants of an old standard:
Some say that if you laid all the statisticians on the face of the earth end to end it would be a very good thing.
Others note that if you laid all the statisticians end to end, two thirds would be under water.
*A big thank you to David Hitchin for two cute twists.
The following explains why it is so difficult for psychologists to collect good data:
To figure out how heavy a pig is, you find a good stout plank and balance it on the pole of a fence. Tie the pig onto one end of the plank, and then run around to the other side and put a rock on the opposite end. Keep trying different rocks until you get one that balances with the pig. That's about it, all you have to do then is guess the weight of the rock!
*Thanks to Jim Robison-Cox of Montana State University for revealing the Texas method of weighing a pig.
Once upon a time, a psychologist conducted a survey and gathered considerable amounts of data. However, as is the case many times, the data sat on the shelf gathering dust. But, one year, the psychologist decided to resurrect the data. Not being exactly sure of what to do though, the data was given to a few students to play with and summarize.
Well, as you might expect, one student did it one way, another student did it another way, and a third student even did it entirely different from the other two. Because of this, the psychologist suddenly became interested in a different question and .. proclaimed to the world:
"How goes this VARIANCE OF ANALYSIS?"
*Many thanks to Dennis Roberts of Penn State for his original offering.
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times.)
Fifteen minutes pass. Then they hear this echoing voice: " Helllloooooo! You're lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been a statistician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."
*Does this truly characterize a good statistician? This bit of humor has been floating around for sometime. Sorry I don't have an attribution for it.
A middle aged man suddenly contracted the dreaded disease kurtosis. Not only was this disease severely debilitating but he had the most virulent strain called leptokurtosis. A close friend told him his only hope was to see a statistical physician who specialized in this type of disease. The man was very fortunate to locate a specialist but he had to travel 800 miles for an appointment.
After a thorough physical exam, the statistical physician exclaimed, "Sir, you are indeed a lucky person in that the FDA has just approved a new drug called mesokurtimide for your illness. This drug will bulk you up the middle, smooth out your stubby tail, and restore your longer range of functioning. In other words, you will feel "NORMAL" again!"
*This shows how weird statistical humor can get. This is my own joke so go easy on the feedback!
"July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than all other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is inadequate, the country has grown so."
* A big thank you to Jack Barnette from the University of Iowa College of Medicine for this humorous quote by Mark Twain.
Three statisticians approached St. Peter at the pearly gates to Heaven. St. Pete in a kind and gentle voice instructed them to give their name and state what they had contributed to mankind while on earth.
The first statistician stepped up confidently and said, "I am Karl Pearson and I developed the famous correlation coefficient at the start of the 20th century and it has been used by multitudes of researchers for almost 100 years."
St. Pete nodded and said, "Oh yes, that was a monumental contribution to statistics and the world. You may pass through."
The second statistician planted both feet firmly and said in a cocky fashion, "I am Sir Ronald Fisher and I founded the entire area of experimental design in the 1920's and multitudes of researchers have used these techniques for about 70 years."
St. Pete smiled broadly and said "That indeed was a landmark breakthrough in statistics and contributed to the betterment of mankind. You may also walk through the gates."
The third statistician hesitated but finally walked up slowly to St. Peter. He said timidly, "I am Joe Schmutz and I taught the Vice President who was a very reserved man several dance steps that he used in a well-known political TV commercial."
St. Pete with a puzzled look on his face stared at the man and said, "That is all well and good sir but it has absolutely nothing to do with statistics and I fail to see how your action has helped mankind."
The poor statistician thought for a second. He then quickly retorted, "But St. Peter.... These steps became the famous AL-GORE-RHYTHM that helped win the Presidential election in the year 2000!!....."
*I confess this is one of my originals. It is not intended to be a political joke.
What do you get when you cross a statistician with a chiropractor?
You get an adjusted R squared from a BACKward regression problem!
*Yes this is my very own. If you think this is lame send me a better joke that's not in the Gallery.
The following is a true story. About twenty years ago when I first introduced a multivariate analysis course at our university, my good friend and colleague, the late Professor Valjean Cashen asked what the content of this course was all about. Wanting to impress the pants off my buddy from counseling psychology with some new statistical jargon, I said proudly, "this course teaches the principles of MANOVA."
Without batting an eye Dr. Cashen looked at me and retorted, "Oh, that is common stuff. That's an old Navy term....MANOVA BOARD!!!!"
*My readers should know that Professor Cashen always spoke highly of his duty in the US submarine corps. Thanks for the memories Val. I have always wondered, however, how a midshipman can be "over board" in a submerged submarine?
They say that it's no coincidence that the University of California at Berkeley is the home of both UNIX and LSD. What does it say about statisticians that Sir Ronald Fisher gave LSD to them 40 years before anyone ever heard of Timothy Leary?
*Thanks to John Gear for relating this little known fact. My answer to this question is that statisticians had their "acid heads" far sooner than the Berkeley campus.
An alien from a distant planet had a real problem. He had five groups of scores with their means and simply wanted to know which pairs of means differed significantly from one another. Since there were no statisticians on his planet he was told by a friend to visit planet earth where many scholars practiced this profession. He anxiously boarded his private spacecraft and made the long trek to earth.
The first statistician he visited was at a major university and warmly assured him that his problem had a simple solution. He told the alien to first perform an analysis of variance and if the F-test was significant to follow it up with the Tukey HSD test. The statistician told the alien that if any two means were "honestly" different this method would uncover them. The alien was ecstatic and rushed to a PC to have his data analyzed. The results were mixed. The good news was that his F was significant at the .05 level. But the bad news was that HSD indicated that none of the pairwise differences in means was significant at the .05 level. The poor alien was somewhat demoralized and could not understand the conflicting results. A lab worker boosted his spirits by telling him that Tukey was quite conservative and maybe he still had something if he would just consult another statistician.
With his spirit renewed he visited a second statistician at a major corporation. This statistician smiled smugly and remarked that professors at universities were entirely too conservative. He told the alien to assume a more liberal stance and use the Fisher LSD as a follow-up. He told him that many of his mean differences would now pop up significant and he could return to his planet a happy person. The alien's mental outlook took a big swing toward the upside and he quickly rushed down to the corporation's computing facility for further analysis. But joy soon turned to gloom! Fisher's LSD still reported no significant pairwise differences in means!
By this time the alien was beside himself with frustration and depression. He was ready to board his spacecraft and head home when a little gremlin whispered something in his ear, "Sir alien, there is a wise destitute old statistician of last resort who lives in a dilapidated old house on a hill. His methods are unorthodox but he is well known for wringing the last drop of meaning out of a set of data. You owe it to yourself to pay him a visit." The downtrodden alien felt he had nothing to lose and decided to give it a try.
The poor statistician welcomed the alien into his ramshackle home. The alien related his story how the F-test was significant but the follow-up procedures found NO significant differences between any two means. The statistician listened to his sad tale of woe and then winked at him with a broad smile. "Mr. alien I think I can guarantee some significant results. All you must do is forget your inhibitions, party it up by looking at other comparisons, and use the Scheffe S-test. Some good things will then happen to you."
The alien was quite skeptical but finally agreed to employ this strange test. The kind old statistician then invited him to the cellar of his home where he had stashed away a rusty old rotary calculator. The two sat down and the statistician feverishly pushed the keys. The gears whined, the numbers rolled on the many dials, and the carriage banged back and forth for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, after several hours, the statistician let out a howl! "Mr. alien I have it! I have found a significant difference."
The alien was trembling with sheer excitement and exclaimed "Please kind statistician, don't keep me waiting. Tell me which pairs of means are different."
The statistician blurted out, "ONE-THIRD THE SUM OF MEANS ONE, TWO, AND FOUR IS SIGNIFICANTLY DIFFERENT FROM ONE-HALF THE SUM OF MEANS THREE AND FIVE!!"
There were several moments of deadly silence. Then the alien's mouth dropped and his face grew pale. Like a scared rabbit, he dashed toward his spacecraft and lifted off for home. As he put his craft in warp speed, he shook his head in disbelief. He vowed to visit a psychiatrist as soon as he got home and to NEVER, NEVER use numbers again.
*OK all you students enrolled in a statistics course at the university level, is it possible for the circumstances in this little story to occur in real life? Please drop me an email about my own crazy concocted story!
A musician drove his statistician friend to a symphony concert one evening in his brand new mid-sized Chevy. When they arrived at the hall, all the parking spots were taken except one in a remote, dark corner of the lot. The musician quickly maneuvered his mid-sized Chevy into the space and they jumped out and walked toward the hall. They had only taken about ten steps when the musician suddenly realized he had lost his car key. The statistician was unconcerned because he knew the key had to be within one standard deviation of the car. They both retraced their steps and began searching the shadowed ground close to the driver's door. After groping on his hands and knees for about a minute, the musician bounced to his feet and bolted several hundred yards toward a large street light near the back of the concert hall. He quickly got down on all fours and resumed his search in the brightly lit area. The statistician remained by the car dumbfounded knowing that the musician had absolutely zero probablity of finding the key under the street light.
Finally, after fifteen minutes,the statistician's keen sense of logic got the best of him. He walked across the lot to the musician and asked, "Why in the world are you looking for your key under the street light? You lost it back in the far corner of the lot by your car!"
The musician in his rumpled and stained suit slowly got to his feet and muttered angrily, "I KNOW, BUT THE LIGHT IS MUCH BETTER OVER HERE!!"
*Thanks to the late Professor Robert Rumery for telling me a variation of this story. If you are a musician, the lesson of this tale is: IF YOU GO MORE THAN THREE STANDARD DEVIATIONS FROM MIDDLE C YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE RIGHT KEY!
A philosopher falls asleep and dreams. In his dream, one by one, the greatest philosophers of all time stand before him and systematically state their views and arguments: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Kant, Hume, Descartes, etc. But in each case the philosopher, dramatically pointing his finger at the presenter, was able to come up with a devastating objection that left the presenting philosopher speechless and unable to effectively reply. In fact, the philosopher realized it was the same objection in every case - he had found the perfect philosophical move to make in conferences and colloquia. He forced himself to wake up and write the objection down on a convenient slip of paper, then, he drifted dreamily back to sleep with a smile on his face. When he awoke the next morning he read the words, ....
"THAT¹S WHAT YOU SAY!"
A man does a good deed and as a reward his guardian angel appears and offers him the answer to any question he wishes to ask. But she says to take his time and she will return in two days. Well the man immediately realized he could become very rich: Which stock will go up the most over the next five years? Which horse will win the Kentucky Derby? Who will win the next Superbowl? etc. But then he thought, why waste this chance of a lifetime on money? After all, money is only a means to happiness. With the right question he can determine the secret of happiness itself! But the more he
thought about it, the more he worried about tricks the angel might play: for example, suppose he asked, "What will make me the happiest man in the universe?" And she answered, "Go live on planet Rigel III" - perhaps true, but perfectly useless.
So our careful questioner decided to take this problem to the nearest philosophy department for assistance. He put the problem to the chair. The chair loved the challenge and as it happens, they were having a departmental meeting that evening anyway, so he told the man to return the next day. When the man returned, the chair beamed and informed him that the department put its best minds together and came up with the best possible question to ask the angel - and naturally he told the man the question to ask.
The next day the angel appeared and asked, "Well, do you have a question for me?" "Yes," the man replied with a great deal of confidence in his voice. "What are the members of the following ordered pair: the first member of the pair is the best possible question I could ask you, and the second member of the pair is the answer to that question?" The angel smiled and said, "You know, you couldn't have asked me a better question. In fact the first member of the pair IS the question you just asked. But that means the second member is the answer I'm giving you now."
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
Question: How do you get a philosopher off your porch?
Answer: Pay for the pizza.
Question: What do you get when you cross an aesthete with a phenomenologist?
Answer: An interior daseiner.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.
If you put two philosophers in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Eddy Zemach, in which case you get seven opinions. (Apologies to Winston Churchill)
Question: What is a recent philosophy Ph.D.'s usual question in his or her first job?
Answer: "Would you like french fries with that, sir?"
Question: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.
The Second Law of Philosophy
They're both wrong.
The First Law of Philosophy
For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
Two men are sitting in the basket of a balloon. For hours, they have been drifting through a thick layer of clouds, and they have lost orientation completely. Suddenly, the clouds part, and the two men see the top of a mountain with a man standing on it.
"Hey! Can you tell us where we are?!"
The man doesn't reply. The minutes pass as the balloon drifts past the mountain. When the balloon is about to be swallowed again by the clouds, the man on the mountain shouts: "You're in a balloon!"
"That must have been a mathematician."
"Why?"
"He thought long and thoroughly about what to say. What he eventually said was irrefutably correct. And it was of no use whatsoever..."
Back in the old days - when slide rules were still the most sophisticated computing equipment available to scientists and engineers...
Engineering students are taking a math final. Of course, slide rules are not allowed. And, of course, someone is cheating and has brought a slide rule to the exam. He is hiding it under his desk, but the student sitting to his left - who is stuck on a difficult calculation - has noticed it.
"Hey", he whispers. "Can you help me? What's three times six?"
His classmate reaches for his slide rule, and after a few seconds replies: "Nineteen."
"Are you sure?"
The other student reaches again for his slide rule, and after another few seconds replies: "You're right. It's closer to eighteen - eighteen point three, to be precise."
Same alley, same function, but a different operator:
"Get out of my way - or I'll differentiate you till you're zero!"
"Try it - I'm ex..."
"Too bad... I'm d/dy."
In a dark, narrow alley, a function and a differential operator meet:
"Get out of my way - or I'll differentiate you till you're zero!"
"Try it - I'm ex..."
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to test the following hypothesis: All odd numbers greater than one are prime.
The mathematician: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, but nine is not a prime. Therefore, the hypothesis is false."
The physicist: "Three is a prime, five is a prime, seven is a prime, nine is not a prime, eleven is a prime, and thirteen is a prime. Hence, five out of six experiments support the hypothesis. It must be true."
The engineer: "Three is a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime..."
Two math professors are sitting in a pub.
"Isn't it disgusting", the first one complains, "how little the general public knows about mathematics?"
"Well", his colleague replies, "you're perhaps a bit too pessimistic."
"I don't think so", the first one replies. "And anyhow, I have to go to the washroom now."
He goes off, and the other professor decides to use this opportunity to play a prank on his colleague. He makes a sign to the pretty, blonde waitress to come over.
"When my friend comes back, I'll wave you over to our table, and I'll ask you a question. I would like you to answer: x to the third over three. Can you do that?"
"Sure." The girl giggles and repeats several times: "x to the third over three, x to the third over three, x to the third over three..."
When the first professor comes back from the washroom, his colleague says: "I still think, you're way too pessimistic. I'm sure the waitress knows a lot more about mathematics than you imagine."
He makes her come over and asks her: "Can you tell us what the integral of x squared is?"
She replies: "x to the third over three."
The other professor's mouth drops wide open, and his colleague grins smugly when the waitress adds: "...plus C."
Let epsilon be less than zero...
Not really a joke, but rather a mathematician detection device: Tell it at a party, and those who laugh must be mathematicians.
A mathematician, an engineer, and a computer scientist are vacationing together. They are riding in a car, enjoying the countryside, when suddenly the engine stops working.
The mathematician: "We came past a gas station a few minutes ago. Someone should go back and ask for help."
The engineer: "I should have a look at the engine. Perhaps, I can fix it."
The computer scientist: "Why don't we just open the doors, slam them shut, and see if everything works again?"
In a class, a math professor claims that he can prove everything under the assumption that 1+1=1.
A student challenges him: "Then prove that you're the pope!"
He ponders for a moment and then replies: "I am one, and the pope is one. Therefore, the pope and I are one."
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