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I LOVE this doctor!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today."
I just read a post on a gaming forum, where the author claims that the movie, Transformers is the best piece of film since Gone With the Wind. You just can't make up this stuff.
I recently told that joke to someone in a restaurant. A blonde employee intently listened to us. After the laughter subsided, the waitress popped up, "I don't get."
Man, you just can't make this stuff up.
A special piano trio.
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xe5w0_ray-charles-jerry-lee-lewis
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.
As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"
Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.
Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"
The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.
Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a
breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be
broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."
The wall on which the prophets wrote
Is cracking at the seams.
Upon the instruments of death
The sunlight brightly gleams.
When every man is torn apart
With nightmares and with dreams,
Will no one lay the laurel wreath
As silence drowns the screams.
Between the iron gates of fate,
The seeds of time were sown,
And watered by the deeds of those
Who know and who are known;
Knowledge is a deadly friend
When no one sets the rules.
The fate of all mankind I see
Is in the hands of fools.
Confusion will be my epitaph.
As I crawl a cracked and broken path
If we make it we can all sit back
And laugh.
But I fear tomorrow Ill be crying,
Yes I fear tomorrow Ill be crying.
(Lyrics to King Crimson's Epitaph)
The rusted chains of prison moons
Are shattered by the sun.
I walk a road, horizons change
The tournament's begun.
The purple piper plays his tune,
The choir softly sing;
Three lullabies in an ancient tongue,
For the court of the crimson king.
The keeper of the city keys
Put shutters on the dreams.
I wait outside the pilgrim's door
With insufficient schemes.
The black queen chants
the funeral march,
The cracked brass bells will ring;
To summon back the fire witch
To the court of the crimson king.
The gardener plants an evergreen
Whilst trampling on a flower.
I chase the wind of a prism ship
To taste the sweet and sour.
The pattern juggler lifts his hand;
The orchestra begin.
As slowly turns the grinding wheel
In the court of the crimson king.
On soft gray mornings widows cry
The wise men share a joke;
I run to grasp divining signs
To satisfy the hoax.
The yellow jester does not play
But gentle pulls the strings
And smiles as the puppets dance
In the court of the crimson king.
(Lyrics of King Crimson's Court of the Crimson King)
When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the instructions from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.
"HAVE A NICE DAY" AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS A BIGGER PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!
Argh! I just received an email from one of my sisters informing me that I was no longer a wordsmith but a lexophile.
Never mind!
A blind man unknowingly walks into an all-womens bar and decides to order a drink. while the bartender is making the drink he turns to the women next to him and says "you wanna hear a blonde joke?" the whole bar freezes and gasps. the woman who he asked the question too turns to him and says "sir i think its only fair, being that you're blind, that you know a few things. The bartender is a blonde woman, the woman to your left is a black belt in Karate and a blonde, I am a professional weight lifter and a blonde, the bouncer is a blonde woman and the woman at the pool table is a 300 lbs heavy weight wrestler and a blonde. So tell me do you still wanna tell that joke?" the man sits for a minute and thinks finally he says "nah not if id have to explain it five times."
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."
woofer: two brunette jokes that you may use.
Why are blond jokes one-liners?
A: So brunettes can get them.
Okay, so after the dust settles, you can try this one:
Why do brunettes have brown hair?
A: To match their mustache.
***********************************************************
Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.. Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....
box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!!
Mr. EagleSurvivor, I'm a female with blonde hair and I think she was brilliant.....just like me (I've got two cardboard flasher-men in my trunk as well). What better way to prevent cars from speeding by?
Slowing traffic to a virtual halt maximizes the chance of getting aid from a 'real' man.
Roadside Assistance
A blonde’s car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn’t long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, “What is going on here?”
“My car broke down, Officer” says the woman calmly.
“Well, what the heck are these cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!” asks the Officer.
“Oh, those are my emergency flashers!” she replied.
courtesy of atomicbob:
http://axiomsun.com/home/video/effects_of_drugs_and_alcohol_on_spiders.html
From another board
"Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?" Part I
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image . . of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. (A male chicken???)
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American!
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet xplorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra... #@&&;^( C \ .... Reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
Personal Ad:
Cool F, undisclosed age, looking to relocate. Prefer cozy evenings, except NO fireplaces. I like to lie around all day and manage to stay moist. Serious replies, only please.
Ancient Ice Shelf.
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!
For those that might want to see the latest in computer graphics possibilities, click and follow. Simply amazing.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=%22nvidia+geforce+8800+adrienne+curry%22%22&btnG=Google...
Vexari's GIVIN' AWAY FREE BEER!!! at the Personality Type Board: http://www.investorshub.com/boards/board.asp?board_id=7424 in case anyone's interested. Pass this message on before it self-destructs.
Regards,
-bart-
Get-R-Done
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....
He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....
did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to Get-R-Done!!!!!!!
Grand Ho Opry skit...good political commentary and humor!
Ah, some political humor.
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf
The Tigers sure are playing well these days. I've enjoyed watching them in these playoffs. So, because of them I'll watch or very closely follow the series too. They remind me of the White Sox last year. Both teams have shown they can play the game well.
The world series will actually be fun to watch this year. There's the Albert Pujols led Cardinals against the youthful Tigers. To see the several Tiger players celebrating their victories with the fans, in the seats, advanced the joy of the game after being marred by multiple strikes.
So much for the pundits' predictions of a subway series.
bartermania: thank you, this board was created after 40-50 posts were deleted from the Q & A board. It was weird because they were happy posts of a good community. Yes, it was off the tenor of the board, but that board has gotten far worse since.
Some were my posts. I responded to a post with the quip that I was the founder of PAHA (Person Against Hurting Asparagus).
Well done! You've got a fine sense of humor! That's what this board is all about right?....Or rather almost anything goes here? Except...stock talk. Good deal.
Thanks.
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing
on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he
approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back,"Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to
accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner,
Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker.
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled,
"See what you get for five bucks?"
Alpha Raging Bull
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet
another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among
them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our
differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't
know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him
any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years
and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight
'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let
me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet)
but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in
the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest
Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he
took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really
felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few
for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on
the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an
argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the
dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have
some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "____, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows
I'M a bull!"
Happy Napoleon's Birthday everyone! Click here for quotes by him. http://www.investorshub.com/boards/read_msg.asp?message_id=12672354
Haha...interesting board. I'll mark it
From one of my sister's!!!!
I bet this could be someone in your office!
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days" I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this..... )
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
lol that was a good one!
If everything is working like it's suppose to...that's true!
FWIW, I was instructed to post this.
Subject: Never Argue With A Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a fisheries officer in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the fisheries officer.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Having been accused of being a conspiracy nut, I can say in all earnestness, that Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
Tina Marie: I have botched trying to post pictures of various Chatty Cathys. I'll eventually get it right. I hope that you don't have a pull string.
and this board s/b named TALKATIVE TINA lol
MrSparex: to which moon are you referring? A cup of coffee and two spoonfuls of sugar will get to a certain moon in a hurry.
tee, hee ... !!!
How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?
cosmoworld7: my point, exactly. See what a thriving conversation starter that it has become?
whats the point of a board without a theme?
Yack! Yack! Yack! Would you like some tea with that?
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Chat away to your heart's content. This an off topic board, so PLEASE no stock specific posts or they'll become part of the endless Internet ether. And as always, follow IHub guidelines.
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