more like:
Hi Assopeners,
You're really not sure what happened today but we are the instructions we had went like this... Bend over "buy, buy, buy" grab your ankles "while we sell into your dumbass", then after we pull out we shoot a big nut in your face while we short this right into your panic selling.
We really worked our ass' off to come up with this scam and not laugh too hard while we were obviously fucking you.
Now we're sending this note to let you know we really don't give a shit and while you're left holding our paper we'll be out loading up on more to sell you when your wound is healed.
Sincerely,
Yourassholeeditor.mom