and somebody whose brain is behaving badly, from cair
September 23rd, 2004) Washington, DC - The Council on American-Islamic Relations is scrambling for spin control in the wake of yesterday's embarrassing press conference, called to denounce the decision by the United States to refuse entry to Yusuf Islam. CAIR is explaining spokesman Ibrahim Hooper's unusual frankness from the podium on a medical mix-up. According to CAIR, a recently prescribed medication order was filled incorrectly and Mr. Hooper was given sodium pentathol - commonly known as truth serum, instead.
What follows is a transcript from the event:
Press: "Mr. Hooper, two Americans were beheaded this week in Iraq. Many other innocent people have lost their lives to terrorists, including the massacre of hundreds schoolchildren in Russia. Why champion such a trivial issue?"
CAIR: "All of the killings that you speak of were committed by Muslims… am I correct?"
Press: "Yes."
CAIR: "Well, there you go, Slick. Why should we bother with that? Our only concern with Islamic terrorism is in how it affects our image. For that reason, we post a disclaimer on our Web site that says that we denounce terrorism."
Press: "Don't you care about the victims?"
CAIR: "Quite honestly, Tex, the victims are nothing but a distraction to us. If we were to call attention to their plight then it would mitigate our message that the real problem in the world is American intolerance. Why should we do that?"
Press: "Some have said that your disclaimer and somewhat out-of-character petition haven't had any effect on ending the violence…"
CAIR: "Of course not, Lefty… what's your point? Do you think that was our intention?"
Press: "Well yes…"
CAIR: "Look son, you need to take the wrapping off the package and look at the product. We make statements like that simply to deflect criticism. Our "petition" is a self-serving instrument that'll make about as much impact overseas as a damp Kleenex hitting a phone pole. If we were really concerned about Islamic violence, which has claimed the lives of 4000 Americans in the last three years, don't you think we'd be calling for the expulsion of radical Imams preaching hate from American mosques? Wouldn't we be encouraging the Muslim community to turn in terrorists rather than holding a press conference to complain about a financer of terrorism being denied entry?
Press: "Cat Stevens? Didn't he sing that free-spirited song, Moonshadow?"
CAIR: "That's real funny, Flower Child! Cat Stevens is on our side now and he's been singing a different tune for the last twenty-five years. The 'Peace and Love' crap is a thing of the past. He supported the Ayatollah through the American hostage crisis, spoke in favor of the death sentence on Salman Rushdie and he's actively raised money for terrorist groups."
Press: "I see."
CAIR: "Listen up D-cup, we wrap ourselves in the American flag for convenience, not because we believe in this country. Concepts such as tolerance and religious freedom are not important to Wahabbis like ourselves except in their usefulness to attack the United States. Seriously, when's the last time you heard of a Muslim country beating its breast over the rights of minorities?"
Press: "I'm thinking…"
CAIR: "And you'll be thing for a long time too, Dipstick! Just open your eyes! We're exterminating the Black population of Sudan, cleansing the Hindus from Kashmir, chasing the Christians out of the Middle East and making life miserable for infidels everywhere else on the globe."
Press: "I guess you're right."
CAIR: "No kidding. Meanwhile, we come here to America, the most tolerant, open, freest country on the planet and do nothing but complain… and here you are listening! How stupid can you be?"
Press: "You don't think we have a tolerance problem?"
CAIR: "Look at me. You see this Muslim garb that I'm wearing?"
Press: "Yes."
CAIR: "Think about it, Amigo. Would I really dress this way if I thought Americans were turned off by it? How many times have you seen Muslims get into trouble here and then either they or their family members put on traditional Muslim garb for the cameras?"
Press: "Yeah, I remember that time in Florida when those guys got arrested after bragging about…"
CAIR: "Exactly, Sherlock. We dress conspicuously as Muslims when we want to accuse you of not respecting Muslims, because we know that you are too blind to realize the contradiction. We are appealing to the very tolerance on your part that we claim doesn't exist. It's a terrific scam!"
Press: "Does this mean that you've actually adopted our values, or that you are merely using them as a tool for achieving your own interests?"
CAIR: "If we really had an interest in tolerance then why would we devote ourselves to such petty complaining when there are people getting their heads chopped off and houses of worship being blown up everywhere else?"
Press: "I don't know, I …"
CAIR: "As the Prophet Mohammed put it, blessed be his name (see that's what I'm talking about!), ‘When in Mecca….' This means that you say whatever needs to be said to gain a foothold. You don't show your real hand until you've gained the power to dominate your host."
Press: "But…"
CAIR: "Do you really think we would be having this discussion if Muslims were a majority here? Journalists like yourself are routinely jailed, tortured, and occasionally killed in most Muslim countries if they don't print what we want. You think we lose any sleep over that?"
Press: "Don't you pretend to?"
CAIR: "Oh sure, if we're asked. But, in fact, I'm just as concerned about a hangnail right here on this middle finger that I am now waving in your direction. Look at our actions and tell me what really bothers us. It isn't the tens of thousands of victims of Islamic violence, or the millions of Dhimmis living in harsh subjugation. No, our thoughts are consumed with the guy whose car is vandalized, or the guy who's shaken down at the airport, or the guy who can't get into the U.S. because he supports Islamic terrorists. We want to convince you that you're the ones with the problem!
Press: "How are we so gullible?"
CAIR: "I wish I knew! Here we've killed thousands of you over the last three years and we're still able to shame you into thinking that you're the one that needs to change! How many Muslims were killed by American citizens in retaliation for 9/11?"
Press: "None that I know of."
CAIR: "That's right, Cowboy, because if there had been even one then you can bet that we'd raise more holy hell about that than we did over the destruction of three East Coast office buildings full of people."
Press: "True, true…"
CAIR: "We would also make sure that our voice echoed loud enough overseas to trigger demonstrations and revenge attacks... then of course, we would post more disclaimers on our Web site."
Press: "Don't you feel guilty about fueling anti-American sentiments when you enjoy freedom that, even as a Muslim, you wouldn't have in any Muslim country? Shouldn't you be using your platform to convince the world instead, that America is not a legitimate target for terrorists?"
CAIR: "Our goal is the spread of Islamic domination. We have no real interest in America or American values, except in their usefulness to us. The more hatred that there is for America in fact, then the more opportunity there is of us to capitalize on by convincing you that the blame lies not in disinformation, jealousy or bigotry, but rather in your own actions. We will exploit your weaknesses and use them against you. Our goal is to dominate you by any means you provide."
Press: "What are our weaknesses?"
CAIR: "Your moral self-confidence is your greatest weakness. You Americans are constantly looking in the mirror, scrutinizing your own features for the slightest blemish. Thousands may be slaughtered and maimed by us in vicious, bigoted attacks overseas – and they are – but we can put on Muslim garb, complain about a key supporter of these attacks being denied entry to your country and know that you will put us on the Evening News. We use not just your own tolerance against you, but your ego as well. You want to have such clean hands that you would anguish over killing the killer of others for fear that it would put frowns on the faces of Europeans, who themselves benefit from corrupt business dealings with brutal dictatorships across the Third World. You people are priceless!"
Press: (awkward cough) "Well, thank you for your… uh… surprising candor."
CAIR: "T-shirts on sale in the lobby and be sure to catch me on National Public Radio – I'm a regular guest!"
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