Haha! If you thought that was funny, you're gonna LOVE this!...
*TWO EMPLOYEES* Hmm, come to think of it, why does the company need TWO EMPLOYEES? What does the second employee even do? Couldn't we use the salary of the 2nd person to put out even
more Press Releases or contract additional investor relations firms to promote our stock...err...our company?
Well, I guess someone has to actually contact potential resellers so Bruce can write the PRs. It must take all day to come up with new carrots for the sheep...err..investors!
I can picture it now...a typical day at Green Innovations Headquarters (Bruce's Basement Home Office).
It's 10AM and Fred wakes up Bruce for another hard day's work. Bruce stumbles down the stairs to his basement home office still in his bathrobe. Fred hands him a cup of coffee and Bruce takes a seat behind his executive desk.
Bruce stretches his arms above his head and yawns: "Hey Fred, did you call Walmart yet about our becoming a supplier?"
Fred: "No, but I did look up the phone number on their website."
Bruce: "Oh, ok. That's good enough for now."
Bruce finishes his coffee and turns on his PC and checks the GNIN quote and his eyes light up. "What the hell! Our stock is down 15%. What the f@ck is going on?!?!"
Fred, used to these outbursts calmly replies, "There was another Seeking Alpha article this morning about how we don't qualify to be a Target vendor."
Bruce bangs his head against the table, "Why didn't you check the requirements before I issued that PR yesterday?"
Fred calmly replies, "Sir, you just asked me to request an application. You didn't say anything about filling it out or checking whether we qualified or not. Anyway, I already logged on to iHub and said it was a different program that we applied under. That seemed to calm everyone down. The stock was down 30% and now it's only down 15%."
Bruce: "Nice Fred! That was quick thinking! I knew there was a reason I hired you!"
Fred gushes and walks to his corner of the basement and sits down to check the latest on iHub.
Bruce: "Eh, it doesn't matter anyway. I have a something big coming out tomorrow that should generate tons of volume for our "friends" to sell into.
Bruce then busily gets to work, crafting the next day's Press Release. After he's finished he orders Fred, "Hurry up and send that to the PR people."
The next day...
Bruce wakes up a 9:15AM and rushes downstairs, turn on his PC. Fred is already in and hands his boss a cup of coffee. Bruce grunts, opens a web browser and opens a link to Yahoo Finance and
types in the GNIN ticker and breathes a sigh of relief. The stock is up 10% in pre-market trading. His new PR was just the damage control that was needed!
New PR:
"Green Innovations On Track For Walmart Vendor Status"
Says CEO Bruce Harmon, "We are excited our company is making strides towards a multi-million dollar a year contract with Walmart, the biggest retailer in the world. While we appreciate all our customers, a Walmart deal will finally provide us the recognition as an established presence in the bamboo toiletry products market."
Bruce heaves a sigh of relief. He really dodged a bullet. His "associates" would not be pleased if they were unable to finish dumping the cheap shares they received when the company started
up. He then turns to Fred, "Hey, did you get a chance to call Walmart yesterday?"
Fred: "Yeah, I spoke to a secretary in their Applications Department and she said she would email us a application form to fill out. Just then announced out of Fred's PC speakers, "You've
got mail!" Hey, look at that. It just arrived!" Fred then clicks on the AOL envelope icon to open the message from Walmart Vendor Services.
Bruce: "Awesome!"
New PR: "Walmart Eager To Begin Vendor Relationship With Green Innovations"
"We are extremely excited by the fast response we received from Walmart. We expect our approval to be fast-tracked and anticipate receiving their purchase orders by the end of the month of our New Products Innovations award-winning bamboo-related toiletry products."
Fred finishes reading the PR and with a skeptical look says to his boss, "Award winning?"
Bruce replies, "Nice touch, eh? Don't you remember last month when I couldn't pay your salary because I had to pay that magazine invoice? Well, our 'Award' came in yesterday's mail after you left!
End of Chapter One
Disclaimer: The above is a work of fiction. I do not have a bug in Bruce's office that is recording he and "Fred's" conversations. However, any resemblance to the truth is purely intentional!