Christian Faith, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia - Part One
By Matthew Robert Payne Submitted On October 28, 2006
Growing up with Bible stories and the TV and movies, you come to know about maniac's. As a teenager I knew that genius and insanity were very closely related. Little did I know I would one day become insane. Insanity...being out of your mind...delusional....having visions of grandeur...deceived by evil spirits...possessed by demons...contacting the dead...trips to heaven and hell...seeing evil spirits...seeing angels...seeing Jesus...seeing people out of the Bible...all in Part One
Writing five pages without editing except for a proofreader...writing a warning from God to a nation...being delivered from demons...having demons speak to you...having a demon pretend to be the Holy Spirit and tell you lies and direct you to do things that you assume are God telling you to do...staying up for three days and three nights without sleep... sleeping for two days straight...being so depressed you can't even wash clothes, shower, shave or cook for yourself...all in Part two
These are all experiences I have had as a Christian with schizoaffective disorder. Which is Manic depressive (Bipolar disorder) and Schizophrenia bundled into one illness.
One thing I have found in the church is that FEW people understand mental illness. I also have never met a born again Christian in the mental health services I have been part of and so I am in limbo.
One time about five months ago when I was in hospital I prayed for a Schizophrenic patient to be able to hear from God, and asked her to repeat about four sentences that I would have God speak to her. The message was a message I wanted to hear from God but didn't have the faith to ask Him myself as my own head was in a bad place with deceiving spirits going rampant. She was half way through the second sentence and tears were streaming down my face. God gave me a very comforting and reassuring message of hope in the midst of my crisis.
The patient who delivered the message was astounded that I was so affected and told me that she was so in love with the voice that had spoken the message to her. She said the voice was so soft and so full of love and so different to the voices that spoke to her. I told her that she could always ask God to speak to her and He would comfort her.
Everybody thinks Schizophrenic patients are possessed. Every one has half answers. Ask the same believers to cast the demons out of these patients and they are first to admit that they haven't got the gift.
So how do I cope?
Man, I have to tell you this with all honesty.
I go to dark places and I cry. I cry a lot.
I pray.
I read my Bible.
And I chat to God.
Let me address each of the topics briefly that I mentioned above.
Insanity...being out of your mind.
Whenever you dream, daydreaming is being out of your mind. Where it crosses over to insanity is when you start to believe the reality is true. Many mentality ill people get help from inside their heads as an inner voice to think insane thoughts. I have in the past been quite convinced I was talking to Mary Magdalene in heaven. I used to speak to her for an hour each night. I was thrilled to be speaking to a person so close to Jesus. This is insanity.
Delusional...
Delusional as I understand the term is just like being out of your mind. In the year 2000 I began to speak to my ex wife in my mind. I was told by a spirit that was pretending to be Jesus that through my ex wife I was going to contact a whole lot of witches and convert them to Christianity and because they were gifted in the dark arts they were going to be very effective and powerful in the Christian world when they are operating out of love.
I asked who I thought was Jesus how to do it and he stepped me through it. Soon the whole 144,000 of the book of Revelation were converted and all were ex witches and I was the leader. I had a number of girls that I was speaking to in my mind and one was appointed as leader. Without much sleep I would preach to the 144,000 converts and teach them things and then I would ask them questions and we would do a count of the answers in percentage of which the lead girl would do a tally. Most of them were yes and no answers. When I started wanting to meet the Australian girls and the ones in my city and started to ask for phone numbers and email addresses I was told that it was a whole lot more convenient to speak like this.
If you have a Schizophrenic friend, ask them the answer they got from their voice they are speaking to when they asked for the phone number, mailing address, or email address.
The most common demonic response is that it's cheaper and more convenient to do it through telepathy. I never pushed it further to the second and third level lies from demons.
Having visions of Grandeur...deceived by evil spirits.
I have thought I was one of the two witnesses of Revelation chapter 11. A human being who isn't one of these two last days prophets who is convinced that they are, is most often mentally ill. When people said I wasn't, this only made me more confident as I said, "No one believed in the prophets of the Bible, and so having no one believe me makes it more credible." The only thing that brought my thinking back to reality was medication.
Many mentally ill people have low self esteem and so thinking they are a modern John the Baptist or Jesus or one of the two last day's prophets makes them feel important. These delusions that the patient takes on makes them a person that is important and they will fight not to let go of this through of importance. All the way though my delusion I had a "Jesus" voice speaking to me that wasn't Jesus. I never considered that Jesus would lie to me and so nothing my parents or friends said could be convincing to me.
God had grace on me though,as he allowed the Jesus voice on two occasions six years apart say something that turned out to be a lie. I never forgot the lies and could not reconcile I am the Way the Truth and the Life (John 14:6) of what Jesus said of Himself and the lies my Jesus had told me. I had simply forgiven Him and tried to forget it. Then two years ago anointed preacher from Malaysia told me my Mary Magdalene, the God the Father voice and the Jesus voice that were speaking to me were demons and that I was not to speak to them. I obeyed.
Possessed by demons.
On four occasions I have been delivered of demons. On only three of the occasions did I feel any better afterwards. As I have had an addiction to prostitutes I have always had a vessel full of all sorts of demons that have sex with me and fill me back up again. Touch wood by faith I have conquered that addiction so in months to come when I am delivered again they will stay out of me.
Much of the Christian community does not believe in demon possession. Fewer still believe that a born again Christian can be possessed. It's as if demons disappeared 2000 years ago.
I have a number of demons still in me. I have to spend time on my faith, in the Word and in prayer and healing before I am ready for them to come out.
At present I know a man with a spirit of murder in him and he wants to kill me. Of late this has caused me some distress and put me into a depression. I have to avoid a whole block of my city for my life's sake and this has upset me. Demons are real. Most times it's a demon that is speaking to a Schizophrenic. But it's not easy to turn that voice off even for a Christian with that illness.
Fear, lust and a spirit of Masons have been cast out of me. The Masonic spirit leaving made my whole head seem free. The spirit of fear had a big difference on my personality and is trying to re-exert itself through the man who wants to kill me. The Lord himself lifted the spirit of lust one day after I repented in tears and touch wood I have not been with a sex worker since.
Contacting the dead...trips to heaven and hell.
Often times when in conversation with a stranger the Holy Spirit will direct me to ask them if they have a question for Jesus. Sometimes the person will ask how a dead relative is. On many occasions Jesus will give me a message to share about their relative. On some occasions the relative has spoken. I know in the Law a medium is condemned yet each time it comes a surprise to me the question, and in almost every case the person's eyes fill up with tears. I know this could be a familiar spirit but on most of the occasions I can describe the house the relative has in heaven and all the furniture and they are able to confess that features in the house I describe are exactly what they person would love but never had the money to own on earth or something like that. I see visions of the house and the people when this happens.
On many occasions I have been to heaven. I have been into a throne room at one time and seen a big ball of light like I think Isaiah saw. I explain that in more detail in my article Modern Prodigal Goes to Heaven. One time I saw a whole park full of children and Jesus told me it was all the children in heaven that had no parents. Most of them were abortions on earth. That was a memorable trip. One time in heaven Jesus put a big diamond the size of a soccer ball in my hand. Later on the Father said that diamond that I held would run the USA government for 200 years. He told me that was what he thought of money as the wall I took it out of was hundreds of feet high and miles long all of which were diamonds of that size. Bill Gates with all his wealth wouldn't even be able to buy one of them, such is the verse Jesus said, "Beware of greediness, life does not consist of the abundance of one's possessions." And also when He said, "what does it profit a man if He gains the whole world and loses His own soul?" That wall of diamonds showed me the reality of those two verses.
Yeah I am no one great. But each time I have been to heaven it has been memorable for me. A month ago I took a guy to heaven in his mind in a vision where he met his wife that had died a year before. He saw her sitting with Jesus in a meadow full of yellow flowers and a waterfall in the distance. She smiled at him and spoke to him. I was pleased that he could tell me what she had said and done as I watched it happen and was able to confirm it.
I have been to a part of hell for two fifteen minute trips. It's not a place you want to visit. If you are reading this and you are not a Christian, I invite you to email me and tell me so, I have a few passages in the Bible I want you to look up.
Seeing evil spirits...seeing angels...seeing Jesus...seeing people out of the Bible.
I have only once seen an evil spirit of lust on a girl. It did not look nice. The best I can say is it looked like one of those dragons, people like to collect in popular shops. It gave her an attraction to all the guys and she was very attractive also. One of the Christian men I was with pointed it out and when he did I saw it.
I once asked Jesus, "How come I see angels all the time and I don't see demons?" He said, "Matthew if you saw the demons around you most of the time, you would not get any sleep." I laughed, understood and never once complained since. Sometimes I have discernment of spirits and I can tell the name of a demon a person has inside of them, but I don't see the demon.
However I have seen so many angels it would take a whole article to share all of them with you. Five times I have had the honour to see Michael the archangel. All but one time, He was in the company of Jesus. One time a few weeks before I went to hospital he was with me walking down the street. I saw two big guard dogs back off when I walked toward them as confirmation he was with me. The same day I had a six year old girl confirm that he was with me and when I told her Michael was a fighter, she started to have a play fight shadow boxing into the thin air as her mother wondered what had come over her daughter. With my two confirmations I felt convinced yes on that day I walked with Michael. I have felt a strong presence of God in a church and many times seen angels worshipping God in my church. On some special occasions to me I have seen women angels dancing.
Six years ago I was on a beach at 2am in the morning and Jesus had told me to move away from my family and go 400 miles and to Sydney where I had no friends and 800 miles from my son. On that night I asked Jesus where He was I was so caught up in my love for Him. He told me He was just beyond the breakers. I knew sharks like to cruise right behind the breakers for fish and night time was the wrong time to be swimming there, but I pushed the fear aside and went to swim out. As soon as I took a step toward the water the water receded 100 feet. I asked Jesus what was going on, and he said, "Not tonight, but you will meet me real soon."
I said, "You said in the Book of Revelation that you are coming soon and that has been 200 years. How soon is soon?"
He said "very very soon Matthew."
Three weeks later I met Jesus in Sydney in the flesh. He was dressed as a hungry, homeless man, dirty and forsaken by men. He did three things is my presence that were miracles to prove that He was who I thought He was. One of them was disappear into thin air.
I have seen Jesus in heaven, seen Him on many occasions in visions on earth and not less then ten times with one of my good friends. I once have been knighted by Jesus with a sword. I do not know what that means. When He spoke for ten minutes in the flesh on His ideas on the Gospels, the speech was so rich, so profound that I know it would take many years' study to understand the depths of it.
In heaven I have met people out of the Bible. I have also met Daniel and the Apostle John on earth in visions on earth. I know I will have some role to play in these end times simply because both these men wrote visions of prophecy about these last days. Daniel came and comforted me in hospital.
Seeing evil spirits, seeing angels, seeing Jesus and dead people would have a sane person committed to a psychiatric ward of most hospitals, but to me these are regular experiences and you can't have me put away because at present my mental health workers are very happy with my state of health. I am in a major depression and they can't even tell.
As you can see I have not covered all of the topics. The rest: of them being:
writing five pages without editing except a proofreader...writing a warning from God to a nation...being delivered from demons...having demons speak to you...having a demon pretend to be the Holy Spirit and tell you lies and direct you to do things that you assume are God telling you to do...staying up for three days and three nights without sleep... sleeping for two days straight...being so depressed you can't even wash clothes, shower, shave or cook for yourself...will be covered in part two.
If you have enjoyed my article you can read the book "The parables of Jesus made simple" for free here in its entirety or just selected parables in chapters at http://www.parables-of-jesus-christ.net/ The book will be published in book form in January 2011
For prophetic counsel, Christian life coaching, Dream interpretation, Christian chat and great Kingdom Teaching come and see us at http://www.kingdomassignments.com.au
Christian Faith, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia - Part Two
By Matthew Robert Payne Submitted On October 28, 2006
If you have read part one you have already ready read five pages of the things I had to write about tonight. I am not sure how other people write. I write from the heart, and so I do not do a lot of study, even when I write a teaching from the scriptures, I write and use scriptures that I know. I'd like to think in my articles I would say the same things if I was speaking to you face to face.
My life keeps me quite lonely. I am happy to say I have made a couple of friends through my articles, one Bipolar man overseas that might collaborate on designing a website with me, and another Bipolar girl in my own city who is going to become a café latte coffee friend and someone to chat to on the phone. Both were touched by my articles and so for fellow Bipolars and the people who love them I spend another night up typing.
So how do I write five pages without editing except for my proofreader?
Just like this. I sit down and start speaking by using my hands on a keyboard. I have a radio playing favourite hits from the last 20 years and my brain clicking and thoughts tumbling out and putting sentences together and they come out onto the screen at roughly 25 words a minute. I am hopeless at spelling and grammar and not even spell-check can fix my problems, but my proofreader can do wonders with what I write. Perhaps if you have not any confidence in your writing you might find yourself a proofreader and put something down on paper. I am so pleased to have my proofreader. He is a good friend and he loves to read what I have to write and guess what? He is Bipolar also! Lol
When you live with a living God and you know that God sees everything you are doing and you have been loved by Him like I have, then you have confidence to share your warts and all truth. When you have no fear of truth coming out, you can simply sit down and write from the heart. When you write the truth from your heart, on many occasions the Holy Spirit can use what you have written. Many times in conversation with people, they say, "that's amazing that you are saying that, I was only reading that yesterday and wanted to know the answer to that and look tonight you have told me."
When you write from the heart, rather then write from much study, so much more is left up to pure inspiration and with inspiration the Holy Spirit gets a chance to place sentences into your mind. When you're crafting a sentence the same can be true but it comes more from your mind then from your spirit. Writing from your heart and speaking from your heart is speaking from where your spirit resides. And there the first page is gone already!
Writing a warning from God to a nation.
When Jesus told me to write to the nation of the USA with a last day's message it was around 12.30am in the morning. Little did I know it would be forty five pages long!
As they only allow a maximum of five pages online here in each article it would have to go to nine articles. I have not yet done that and made it nine articles.
So what can you do when the Holy Spirit directs you to do something like that?
You obey.
I have only read it twice. I had a friend edit it a little for me, taking out some of my bias out of the message. I had it on a website and had 1500 read it and have only had 3 people write to me. I don't know how many people read all of it but 1500 people in this last year since December 2005 have read it. I'd like to put it on another website one day and advertise it.
Am I mad to write a prophetic message from God? Well no. It took some guts to write it. Since I wrote it I have read a couple of confirmations of it. God is angry with the moral decay of the West and the lukewarm Christianity that exists today. He is angry with the half hearted Christian life that is a life of taking from Him rather then a life of full time service. He is upset with the average Christian not leading anyone to the faith and not even sharing their faith.
On sharing your faith, an excellent book and the very best book I have read is "Share Jesus without fear, by William Fay."
As an evangelist/prophetic person I value when an evangelist speaks. William says close to 90% of conversions to the Christian faith come from one on one encounters with a Christian and another person. In his book he shares a tried and proven method of doing one on one Gospel presentations of which he has done 25,000 himself. He is more than qualified.
No one taught me to prophesy, no one taught me how to use my gift of prophecy to evangelise people, well that's if you don't call the Holy Spirit a person lol. Yes I have been many things simply through the Holy Spirit and when I prophesy to a person or to a whole nation isn't that the self same Holy Spirit that must bring the message?
Being delivered from demons...having demons speak to you...having a demon pretend to be the Holy Spirit and tell you lies and direct you to do things that you assume are God telling you to do.
I suggest every person who knows a person gifted in deliverance get themselves checked out by that person. A person can be full of pride and not have a demon of pride, yet sometimes they do. Humility is the answer to pride but being humble is hard to be when you are full of pride. Even with a low self esteem I struggle with pride.
Having demons speak to you.
You cannot speak to another person on earth through telepathy. This may upset some of you who currently do so and this may even hurt you more, but I am going to say it. If you think you are currently speaking to a known celebrity or some famous person on earth, ask them for their mobile phone number and ring it right away. If they don't give you the number, they are a demon pretending to be a human. This hurts to know, but its only when you are willing to give up your voice that you have hope of getting right with God.
Having a demon pretend to be the Holy Spirit and tell you lies and direct you to do things that you assume are God telling you to do.
When Jesus or God is speaking to you, in many cases it is NOT Jesus or God. On many occasions it is a false spirit.
On these occasions you can test the spirit according to 1 John 4:2 by asking, "Are you Jesus Christ who came to earth in the flesh and dwelt among men and died for their sins and on the third day came back to life?"
If the spirit answers yes, then you have Jesus and you can speak and trust the spirit. If you get no answer or anything but a yes don't listen to the spirit. I have two people that have told me this, and this test is from 1 John in the Bible, and I trust it. So go ahead and test the spirits.
The false Jesus, or false Holy Spirit has got me into a lot of trouble. It has been the source of a lot of my delusions and my manic behaviour and many things that have got me in trouble with the law. I test the spirits these days before I go ahead. Satan is very upset that I am not having many two way conversations with Jesus these days as he is not getting the opportunity to deceive me.
Many Christians never really hear the clear voice of Jesus or the Holy Spirit yet Jesus says quite clearly in scripture, "My sheep hear my voice and they follow me."
After reading this you may be all freaked out and wondering how on one hand I can write a prophecy or prophesy to a person in the flesh or over the Internet and on the other hand be so honest on how many times I have been deceived.
I know Christians who will never step out in the gift of prophecy simply because they do not want to get the false Jesus on the line. They are willing not to hear from Jesus all their life so that they won't be deceived. Most people have no idea about testing the spirits.
Staying up for three days and three nights without sleep.
I try not to do this too often, but I have to say I do enjoy doing it. To be able to stay up for two days is a gift I have that my mental illness allows me to have. It forces me into a mania a "high". After a day and a half I can get quite emotional.
Sometimes when I am on the phone to my mother and I start crying she is able to tell I am "High" and often asks if I have been sleeping. This is answered with the truth and it makes my mother worry.
To be able to stay up all this time, a person has to be busy doing something. You can't just lay on a sofa and close your eyes and relax or you are soon asleep. You have to be able to be talking or writing or watching TV or something.
The longer I am up the more creative I am. Sometimes I spend a whole night up and I write five of my articles in a day and a half. Sometimes it's taken me three hours to write part one and down to here in part two. It's 3am in the morning and I will stay up all night and today and go to sleep tonight.
Jesus spent a lot of time up. Sometimes He went all day and all night up. The less sleep He had the more on fire He was because He had spent more time with His Father.
Sleeping for two days straight.
I used to fall into a major depression once a year and now it seems every few weeks I have a cycle where I simply can't get out of bed. I sleep forever and even around 3pm in the afternoon when I get up, unless I am busy I end up going back to bed I am so tired.
Well three days like this and all the sleep pulls me into a depression. This is very hard on me. I have just suffered a whole week like it and it is very tiresome. This week I simply felt so overwhelmed and overtaken by my illness that I thought of giving up. My prayer life has suffered my Bible reading has suffered. The more I don't pray and the more I don't spend time in the Word the less spiritual strength I have to fight.
If you have a loved one who sleeps a lot. Please accept this is not because they are lazy. Right now I could be sleeping, but I am up trying to fight this depression and having a creative night that might do a few people some good.
Mental illness can be such a struggle. A few weeks ago everything seemed rosy in my life. This last week in depression has sent me on a bender. If I was a drunk I would have really picked up the bottle. I know Satan hates the fact that I have given up the sex workers and is trying to bury me, but I have bought myself some St Johns Wort and I know that if I have to fight this with chemicals within a few weeks St Johns Wort will be winning the battle.
I love Jesus so very much. All night He has been playing me songs on the radio and singing to me and encouraging me. So even though sometimes I get stuck in bed for days, I know when the Holy Spirit inspires me I can stay up all night and write something like this article, The Christian faith, Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia.
Being so depressed you can't even wash clothes, shower, shave or cook for yourself...
It's been two days since I have showered, I have almost run out of clothes, I have a weeks growth on my cheeks. I have no food in the house save breakfast cereal of which I have been eating.
In the past week I have only been up at the most, six hours a day and at the beginning of the week it took of all my mental strength not to ring all of my appointments this week and cancel them all, I simply could not be bothered to keep them.
After I finish this I have promised myself I am going to treat myself to a shower and a shave and to change into my last pair of clean clothes. I have loaded the washing machine and when the time is right about 7am I am going to put the washer on and by the time my case worker comes at 10 am the clothes should be hung out to dry.
Depression just locks you down. It kind of just shuts down your system. And just when you need friends you sort of shut yourself up from your friends and close your self off to others. That's if you have many friends anyway. I am fortunate that I need to be in touch with my proofreader as we speak at least a couple of times a week.
It hurts so much being depressed. But because the hurt can't be measured some people just can't seem to understand it. For a person that has had mental illness for fourteen years I thought it would take something pretty big to shake me. But I have to say this past week has given me a shake, that it's only scripture and the promises in the Bible that keeps my faith strong.
But I have to share with you, I am really scared. The first 30 articles might be a lot more upbeat then this one. But I have to tell you the truth. Satan hates people. He wants us to kill ourselves if he can achieve it. I am past looking for ways to kill myself but depression really scares me.
Take the time to pray for me and others who suffer with these illnesses. I hope part one and two gave you some insight.
If you have enjoyed my article you can read the book "The parables of Jesus made simple" for free here in its entirety or just selected parables in chapters at http://www.parables-of-jesus-christ.net/ The book will be published in book form in January 2011
For prophetic counsel, Christian life coaching, Dream interpretation, Christian chat and great Kingdom Teaching come and see us at http://www.kingdomassignments.com.au
Recently I met a man who had schizophrenia online. He was an interesting person and said that prayer and meditation had duplicatable researched proof that it had the ability to cure human health. In actuality, there have also been studies, which have proved that this is absolutely false when others were praying for an individual in the hospital and that individual new people that were praying for them; they had less of a chance of surviving a serious surgery or disease treatment regiment.
This same man said that those that meditate and pray or able to decrease their stress hormones and this helped in recovery. In other words people praying for them selves. Unfortunately this shows the cost of schizophrenia in this individual. He admitted that he prays a lot and in doing so he relieves stress hormones and therefore changes his brain waves and chemicals in his brain further inducing schizophrenia.
It is interesting to see how praying to a nonexistent God causes schizophrenia in some individuals and perhaps this is this individual's problem. It is too bad to see him living in a false reality and inducing a worse condition of his schizophrenia as he talks to his invisible friend. If too many people who are praying to a nonexistent God are inducing themselves into this state of mind and becoming partially schizophrenic, then we have a huge mental health problem in this nation. Please consider all this in 2006.
"Lance Winslow" - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/. Lance is an online writer in retirement.
Never Ask God For Something That You Are Not Ready to Receive
By Michael Walrath Submitted On April 11, 2006
This is a true story the events that took place that day are real and in no way fabricated nor exaggerated.
Waking up the morning of June first 1999 seven days before my wife Tonya's 27th birthday was pretty much like any other morning. I was still a little bit tired because I had stayed up late the night before. But all in all it started out ok. Little did I know the events that were to occur later that day would affect my life forever?
Now before I go any farther let me explain a little bit about my wife. Tonya was a young woman of 26 years old. She had Struggled for quite some time with Alcoholism, Drug addiction, depression, and a mental disorder known as schizoaffective disorder that was well on its way to becoming full blown Schizophrenia.
In case you are unfamiliar with schizoaffective disorder. The most prevalent features are depression, delusions and hallucinations.
Tonya was doing wonderful though, she was taking her medication and was episode free for quite some time. She had even managed to stay drink and drug free for eight months. But that morning shortly after breakfast all that changed.
I had just cleared the table and went in to the bedroom to fine Tonya sitting on the bed shaking and crying, in a panic.
I asked her what was wrong. Her reply made my heart sink and just plane freaked me out.
She replied, "I am Dead." Rather shocked from her answer I asked, what are you talking about. She did not seem to understand my question and continued. "I'm dead and so is my father and they put my back together using his body parts."
I realized then what was happening. She was having a hallucination. She had become delusional.
I sat down on the bed next to her and took her hand and assured her that she was very much alive and so was her father.
"Oh can we go see him?" She asked wanting proof that in fact her father was not dead.
Wanting desperately to bring some reality back to her I agreed and off to her parents house we went.
Well Tonya's parents are big racing fans and as it turned out, her Mother and Father had left for the weekend to go to an automobile race. So when we arrived at their home they were not there. This just confirmed in Tonya's mind that what her delusions were telling her were true. She was more frantic then ever.
I had been through this before with Tonya but never this bad. But I knew that in time it would subside... I hope anyway.
With nothing to do but wait it out and see what was coming next I decided to return to our apartment.
As we were driving towards home Tonya started to come back to reality and gain a bit of composure. This was great for the brief moment it lasted.
No sooner had she started to come back to reality when she blurted out, "I need a drink!" "Please get me some wine coolers?"
"O.M.G!" What now? Tonya had not had a drop of alcohol for 8 months and now she was demanding a drink.
Knowing what I had already gone through with her past drinking and with the events of that morning. I was quite up set with the thought of her starting to drink again.
"NO!" I will not buy you any wine coolers. You haven't had a drink in 8 months I'm not going to be the one to help you get started again now. I told her.
Of course this just started a big argument. She wanted wine coolers and she was not going to take no for an answer. One thing about Tonya is that if she wanted something she would be relentless and hound you until she got her way. So we argued the rest of the way home.
It was getting close to the time I had to leave to go to a doctor appointment I had scheduled at noon and Tonya was still hounding me.
"Enough!" I broke and went to the store and bought her the damned wine coolers.
Tonya must have chugged the whole 4 pack because within 15 minuets she was back in my face demanding that I go back to the store and get her more wine coolers.
I all but lost it. I don't know when I had felt that mad in quite some time. Having to go to my appointment anyway I stomped out in anger. As I slammed the door behind me I raised my hands up to the sky and shouted. "God Take This Woman Away From Me!" And went on to my doctor appointment.
I was at the doctor's office for the rest of the afternoon. I got home around 5:00 that evening to find the apartment empty. Tonya Was gone and she didn't leave a note as to where she had gone.
Time went by and Tonya had not come home. So I began to worry a bit. I called around to hospitals and the police. No one had seen nor heard about her. It began to get really late and Still Tonya was not home. By this time worry swelled to panic, I jumped into the car and drove all over town looking for her but she was no ware to be found.
The rest of that night was spent driving and looking or on the phone to hospitals or the police still no sign of Tonya.
The thing is, I knew something had to be wrong. Because despite her obvious faults Tonya loved me and would have never stayed away from home all night with out at least calling. Many times in the past it had gotten late and she would call and say "Honey can you come get me." And I would.
"But not this time."
It was about 7:30 Am the morning of the first. I must have dozed off for a few moments. Waking up I searched the room for any sign that Tonya had come home. Nope she was still M.I.A. I had to get up and get on the road. I promised my oldest son that I would teach him how to spray paint the door to my car. I was restoring a Chevy Beretta GTZ and I told him he could help me with it.
Still worried about Tonya I went to pick him up.
We got back to my apartment around 8:30am. As I pulled up in to the parking lot were I was going to perform my auto body masterpiece. One of the men that worked down stares from my apartment came rushing up to tell me. "There is a detective from the police department in my shop looking for you."
At that moment my heart sank and began to race all at the same time. Half of me hoped that they had found Tonya safe and sound. While the other half just knew that something terrible had happened.
Hesitantly I hurried to the shop down stares from my apartment to meet the detective. At the door a man in a blue suit, black shoes and a two-dollar haircut asked, "Are you Michael Walrath?" "Yes." I answered. Before I could add anything else he responded. "This is about Tonya." Then ask me if I would join him in his car.
Once in the car the detective told me the bad news... "Tonya is dead!" It rang out like a gun shot that hat hit me right between the eyes... "Tonya Is Dead!" Some ware deep in side of me I already knew it but that was no consolation. My wife was gone. The woman that I love was gone. The woman that I had been so angry with the day before was gone.
If you could only realize the hurt, panic, sorrow, and guilt I felt at that moment. After all I did leave in a state of rage. I did raise my hands to the air and shout to God. "Please Take This Woman Away From Me!" I did leave not even saying goodbye or telling her that I love her. She Was Gone!
I won't go into detail of what happened to her here. I will just say that it was not from natural causes nor by her own hand, and it was very brutal.
No I don't blame God. I also don't blame myself. And Of course I certainly don't blame Tonya.
It was not Tonya's fault that she had a disease. And God has no fault. God searches our harts and he will give us what truly resides with in. As far as my self though even though I know I am not to blame. A part of me knows that if I had been able to pray to God with an understanding of prayer and how to communicate what was in my heart long before this tragedy had ever happen it might not have went down like it did.
This sad but true story has many morals. One could be never leave a loved one in anger with out telling them you love them. There are many more you could derive from this tale. But the one that I am here to stress is, learn to speak to God. Talk to him every day. Tell him what is in your heart and on you mind. Ask him to help and guide you, to give you strength and wisdom. But the most important thing is Never Ask God For Something That You Are Not Ready To Receive.
Michael is an avid motorcycle enthusiast and has been active on the internet for over 15 years. If you ride a motorcycle and would like to find a safe faith based motorcycle group [ http://www.ubadbiker.com/ ] Michael invites you to check out UBAD, that is Unite Bikers Against [Drugs.]
Many people say that praying to God can help you with your mental health. They say that praying to God is good for the human soul. Some will even utter the fact that praying to a God is free! But is it really? The reason I say this is that when someone prays to a fictitious being or entity or an invisible friend that is an unhealthy mental situation and can cause borderline schizophrenia if it is done too often.
If one's mental health situation deteriorates because they are praying too much to a fictitious god then is it free or does it come at a very high price; how much is your brain worth? Praying to God is not free and those that do such things do not have a free mind, for they have turned it over to religious literature used to control mankind over the past 5000 years. There is nothing free about giving up your life experience to live it in such a way that pleases another man who wishes to control you.
Praying to God is not free and there is no true freedom if you make yourself believe that you are beholden to something greater than yourself, which is nothing more than mere literature retold and rewritten over the ages, which was specifically designed and written to control your life. Praying to God is not free and there is no freedom in world religions. One of the best things that could happen to mankind is to agree to ban all religions in the present periods and future periods. Please consider this in 2006.
"Lance Winslow" - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; www.WorldThinkTank.net/. Lance is an online writer in retirement.
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