Looks like you have irrectumcilable differences. I think you both are assholes. The only difference is, Phil is admittedly a reformed asshole and is currently in remittance. You on the other hand, are a closet hothead asshole that needs to get out more. Why don't you take up knitting? I hear it's very therapeutic and takes your mind off things. There's always psychotropic drugs.
Looks like Michigan is experiencing a thaw, maybe you can get out and loose some of that cabin fever.