Replies to post #3208 on ladies only (no men)

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he is a dolt

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Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?

A: The Dead Sea

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Q: What do you call a good-looking intelligent and
sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

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When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

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Q: "What does your daddy do?"
A: "Anything my mommy tells him."

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A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when
the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.

"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and Dad shop for me."

The daughter nods in agreement.

"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But Mom, some helpless, poor,
dumb creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry, honey," says the mother. "Your father won't
get the bill for a couple of weeks."

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At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that
most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and
that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by
saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He
goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says,
"I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him
$20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home
from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please
don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next
day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms,
and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!"

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Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel
during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called
an air current.

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Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: It gives them another reason to moan.

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A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Judy has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.

Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.

You were perfectly right.

You want to speak with her? All right."

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:

"Judy, your mother wants to talk to you!"

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Q: "What does your daddy do?"
A: "Anything my mommy tells him."

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Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A1: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A2: A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

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Q: What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

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A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. This goes on for hours.

Afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
..

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you!"

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"That jerk of a husband of mine wanted me to bang the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you? "

"Yes, I did, but I also didn't tell him that now the rent is paid up for six months. When he gives me the money to pay the rent, I go shopping."

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In order that you may be on the alert for indications that you or members of your family may have contracted the Swine Flu Virus, you should be aware of the symptoms associated with this disease.

1. Sore throat.

2. Slight headache.

3. Moderate to high temperature.

4. Nausea or upset stomach.

5. An uncontrollable urge to have sex in the mud.

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Not sure why psychiatrists came up with this, but it is
fun. Now don't cheat on this one, go with the first
dessert you choose! If all of the eight desserts
listed below were sitting in front of you, which would
you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)! Trust
me...this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, and
then look to see what psychiatrists think about you.

Here are your choices:

1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue Pie
4. Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Icing
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down,
so think carefully about what your choice will be.

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what
the researchers say about you...

SCROLL DOWN---No Cheating

1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love
all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times.
Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the
day. Others perceive you as being childlike and
immature at times.

2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas,
and are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of
dragons. When tempers flare up you whip out your
saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense
of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, &articulate with
your hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good
teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the
same time. A bit of a diva at times, you set your own
style because you do your own thing. You shine when it
comes to helping others and have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very
indecisive and lacking motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker.
Others should be cautious in making you mad. However,
you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. You
can be very emotional at times but a true person in
every way. You like to do things for yourself and help
others learn about themselves.

6. CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid
to take chances. Will not settle for anything average
in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be
baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you
could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy
watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote
control. You tend to be self-centered and high
maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person,
who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People
like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted
person and a little quirky at times. You have many
loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach
others. A wonderful role model.

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Hysterical! I laughed so hard my chest hurt!


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on...


My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring
painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the
waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.


So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.


No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)


So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah....right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!


OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.


With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.


Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!


I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.


I think I may pass out.must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.


I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!


There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???


Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.. I am touching wax.


I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.


Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!


I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop..


My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???


*WRONG!!!!!!!*


I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.


Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.


So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!


I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'


There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for
removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.


She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.


YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.


While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hotwater


and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!


By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.


What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!


It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... .THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......

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Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

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Origin of the White Wedding Dress

IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!



IT'S AN EVEN BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

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Husband: Wouldn't it be fun to go the Holy Land and
stand on Mount Sinai and shout out the Ten
Commandments?

Wife: It would be better if you stayed home and kept
them.

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Diary Of a Viagra Housewife

Day 1 -- Just celebrated our 25th anniversary
with not much to celebrate. When it came time to
reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in
the bathroom and cried.

Day 2 -- Today he told me he has a big secret to
tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to
be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break!
He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even
WALKS with a limp!

Day 3 -- This marriage is in trouble. A woman has
needs you know! Sometimes I need something too!
Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington
Monument and burst into tears!

Day 4 -- A miracle has happened!! There's an new
drug on the market that will fix his "problem".
It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra, things will be just like they were on our
wedding night. He asked me if this time I would
say HIS name at the "glorious moment".

Day 5 -- Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is
shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been
fulfilled. Everything is perfect.

Day 6 -- Again!

Day 7 -- This Viagra thing is going to his head.
(No pun intended) Yesterday, at Burger King, the
kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a
whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one."

Day 8 -- I think he took too many over the weekend.
Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using
his new "friend" as a weed wacker.

Day 9 -- Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl
can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's
washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of
Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do?

Day 10 -- I'm basically being drilled to death. It's
like going out with Black and Decker.

Day 11 -- I wish he was gay. I've bought him 20 Liza
Minelli albums and the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and
he keeps coming after me.

Day 12 -- Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!
It's like going to bed with a scud missile!

Day 13 -- I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing
works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says
penguins turn him on.

Day 14 -- I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to
have to kill him. I just worry about one thing-how will
they ever get the lid to close on his casket?

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Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an
issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major
argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For
example:



1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've
been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement
bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was
most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of
Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd
be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:



2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel
the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?



3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and
emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend,
a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in
a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong
answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely
demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of
the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't
you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with
pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf
clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

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Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

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Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

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Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

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Paula & Steve got married. They went to a Hotel for the wedding night.

The following morning, Paula's closest friend came over and asked how their wedding night went.

Paula told her "I'm just awfully tired, dead tired. All night long it was up and down, in and out, up and down, in and out."

Her friend, misunderstanding her, was a bit shocked, that she spoke so crassly.

Steve clarified by adding "Don't ever get a room next to an elevator!"