Replies to post #128670 on Rants and Raves

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u r ugly and yer mudah dresses u funny ;)

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Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're
grand.

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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
'What's the matter?' he asks.

'I have a case of anal glaucoma,' she says in a weak
voice.

'What the hell is anal glaucoma?'

'I can't see my ass coming into work today.

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Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?

A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's
the husbands who end up playing with them!

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Judi was talking to Candy. "I suspect Mikey used to visit
hookers before we met."

"Why do you say that?"

"One night we were just playing around downstairs. He
picked me up and headed for the bedroom."

Candy nodded. "Uh huh. So what happened?"

"Well, I giggled and said, 'Should I struggle?' And he
replied, 'I don't know. Does that cost extra?'"

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Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One
who had recently retired was describing his life, "I
get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and
then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great
salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of
the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with
the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie
on my veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to
be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife.
She asked, "What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

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The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work
mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever
techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to
emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the
precise moment of release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your
national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump
You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom
without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting
in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this
embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to
strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't
reach to do this...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump
For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's
one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting
impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you
grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump
but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there,
suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and
the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on
the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump
You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing
has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the
pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of
sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make
sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if
you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next
person who comes in.

The Flu Dump
You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to
put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down.
Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so
you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a
vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you
wish Mum were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump
Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell
you about going in a portable toilet. My best description
would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin".
It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go
in a paper cup.

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Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in
your hand?

A: A man's undivided attention.

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Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes.

When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

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A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

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A woman gets home, schreeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

The husband says, "Ohmigod! No Shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get the hell out!"

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mikey is driving his car, with his wife sitting next to him.

Suddenly, the police siren is heard, and he is requested to stop.

The policman comes to him and says:
"sir, do you know that you have been speeding for the last 5 minutes?".

mikey replies, imploringly:
"Oh no, i really didn'y notice, officer. I am so sorry, i promise not to do that again", but then he is interrupted by his wife, who says:
"That's not true, he knew he was speeding and had no intention to slow-down".

The policman continues: "also, may i ask why you don't have your sit-belt on, sir?".

mikey replies nerveslly: "You see, i released it when i heard the siren cause i wanted to approach you and.." but again he is interrupted by his wife, who says: "that's rubbish, he wasn't wearing it since we left home".

Then, mikey loses it and yells to his wife: "would you shut-up, you stupid cow?!".

The policman, shocked, asks:
"Mam, are you going to let him speak to you like that?".

To that the woman replies:
"Oh, don't wory officer. He is always like that when he's drunk"...

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Austin Powers Pick Up Lines From "Gold Member"

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all
day long.

2. Lick finger and wipe on her shirt. Let's get
you out of those wet clothes.

3. Nice legs... What time do they open?

4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I
saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm
the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big
Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest
woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow
the hell outta me.

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Friends and Life

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died
Pictures show that we lived!
Have a seat . . . Relax . . . And read this slowly.

I Believe...
That just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
we understand that friends change.

I Believe...
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt
you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow, even over
the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I Believe...
That it' s taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I Believe....
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe...
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.

I Believe...
That we are responsible for what
we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe...
That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time.

I Believe...
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you
when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel..

I Believe...
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe....
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life Forever.

I Believe...
Two people can look at the exact same
thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...
T hat your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe....
That even when you think you have no more to give, when
a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I Believe...
That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in -- I just did.



'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of
everything; they just make the most of everything.'