Replies to post #78143 on Rants and Raves

[teapeebubbles]

t/u

[teapeebubbles]

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point in their life, contain intelligent DNA.

Unfortunately, over 95% of them will spit it out.

[teapeebubbles]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning.
When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the
ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectival precision, he
grabbed hold of the next blade.

In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much
distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and
delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes
called an "epiphany"; a moment of heightened awareness in which
everything becomes clear.

Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew
what I had to do...

Quit drinking before noon.

[teapeebubbles]

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD.
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

[teapeebubbles]

Give Me Boobies for Xmas

http://www.flowgo.com/flowgo2_view.cfm?page_id=46925

[teapeebubbles]

10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

[teapeebubbles]

You may be addicted to the Net when...


You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act.

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 56KPS...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing .COM after every period when using a word processor.com.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You refer to your age as 3.x.

You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

Your husband tells you he's had the beard for two months.

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do!" and you don't even have a job.

Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless.

You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01 or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for Surfing the Net.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the BACK button.



You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

You start using smileys in your snail mail.

Only communication in your household is through email.

Choice between paying Compuserve bill and paying for kids education is a no brainer -- although a bit painful for your kids.

AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.

Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.

You hire a housekeeper for your home page.

New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.

Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.

You come back and check this list every half-hour.



You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. And you succeed.


You have been on your computer soo long that you didn't realize you had grandchildren.



When talking you have to move your fingers as though you're typing.

You suddenly start talking in binary instead.

Most of the submissions to this list are yours.

You have designer mouse pads from Calvin Klein and Versace

[teapeebubbles]

Mom's Answering Machine.....

Hello. This is your Mother!

-- If you want my advice:
PRESS 1

-- If you want to argue:
PRESS 2

-- If you want your father to drive you somewhere:
PRESS 3

-- If you want to leave a message:
WAIT FOR THE TONE

-- If you want to irritate me or borrow money:
HANG UP!

[teapeebubbles]

SCORPIO: Nail down loose boards. You have powerful energy at your disposal and should use it in constructive activities. Problems or errors might be pointed out. It is time to fix what is broken.

-- February 10, 2007

Who else was born under SCORPIO? Katharine Hepburn, Rock Hudson, Grace Kelly, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther, and Pablo Picasso.

[teapeebubbles]

SCORPIO: Don't hold a grudge if a rude person steps on your toes. A lack of finesse might cause unpleasant words. This week trust your instincts with business matters and commercial enterprises.

-- February 11, 2007

Who else was born under SCORPIO? Lyle Lovett, Jenny McCarthy, K.D. Lang, Roseanne Barr, Kate Capshaw, and Mathew McConaughey.