A letter to the Observer (London) from Terry Jones (of Monty Python)
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for
bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am
I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with
Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the
street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop.
They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson
is planning something nasty for me, but so far I
haven't been able to discover what.
I've been round to his place a few times to see what
he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden.
That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask
me how I know, I just know - from very good sources -
that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have
leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act
first, he'll pick us off one by one.
Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why
don't I go to the police? But that's simply
ridiculous. The police will say that they need
evidence of a crime with which to charge my
neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling
about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike
and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his
plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will
be secretly murdering people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent
range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to
keep the peace. But until recently that's been a
little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has
made it clear that all I need to do is run out of
patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I
want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out
policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about
international peace and security. The one certain way
to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers
targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim
countries that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and
kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll
teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and
stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know
before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty
man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even
if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as
much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and
children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's
long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by
eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such
a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know
when you've achieved it?
How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all
terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But
then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's
committed an act of terror. What about would-be
terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being
suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could
possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure
he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate
Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the
only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to
eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel
are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of
other people in the street who I don't like and who -
quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife
says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm
simply using the same logic as the President of the
United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've
run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm
going to give the whole street two weeks - no, ten
days - to come out in the open and hand over all
aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws
and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they
don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm
going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing
- and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy
will destroy only one street.
Terry Jones
Courtesy of tooearly of SI
AI
