I came home from teaching my philosophy of religion class tonight, and arrived home just in time to catch my 1.5 year old daughter and say goodnight to her before she drifted off to sleep. I scooped her up, sang songs to her, talked with her about her evening with mommy while I was gone, and told her how much I loved her... then sang to her some more.
She is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. She makes me so happy I could cry. And the great thing is, she's so young that she can't see all (or in fact any) of her dad's flaws yet. She just loves me. It's great. Her little face just lights up when she sees me.
I think any self-respecting guy with blood still running through his veins just wants a few big wins in life... you know, here and there... a few big wins that let him feel like he's done right by, and done good for, the people who depend on him. In my case, it's her. I want to get her ought of this apartment; out of this neighborhood. I want to put her in her car seat with confidence that the front axle is not gonna crack in half on the way to the store. I want to buy her mother some nice things, even though we don't have the greatest relationship, just because I want her to know how much I value how much she shares my love for our girl. I want to provide for the few people who depend on me in a way my dad failed to do.
Unfortunately, a little over a year ago, I got in in my head that TIVU was gonna be my big brilliant move to make that happen. Now I'm in, tens of thousands deep, with no turning back, and a very thin strand of hope that it's gonna pan out.
I've had some tequila tonight... and so obviously it's honesty hour.
We'll see what happens.
My baby is sleeping. I should be too. But I'm probably gonna stay up, have one more drink, and read some Psalms.
Life is grand.
