Some classics here - repeat (& forward) with caution...
SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR
Man calls 911 and says I think my wife is dead. The operator says, How do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is piling up!
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I went to the thrift shop and got her clothes back.
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At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!
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One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans was not the correct answer either.
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You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slow past schools.
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A buddy of mine told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
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Being a prudent man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
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The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
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And then she said, “What’s the best form of birth control after 50?” and I said, “Nudity”.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
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I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
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I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
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If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.
