Gee Fred, talk about a hidden post to me. Actually I was feeling very bad about recent events on the YAKC board, and was about to get my harmonica out. Get yours, and maybe we can do some blues stuff while you are awaiting new inmates. Try to abide by this, though:
Some basic rules on "How to sing the Blues”
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up 'dis morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick
something nasty in the next line, like:
"I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town...."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes, like:
"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town...
Got a good woman with the meanest face in town...
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher...
And she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues ain't 'bout choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars are Chevys & Cadillacs & broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults
sing the Blues. In the Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the
electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago,
St. Louis & Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues. You can't
have the blues in any place that don't get rain... although, officially,
you can get the Blues any place you ain't seen rain in 40 days.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breakin' your leg 'cuz you skiing is not the Blues.
Breakin' your leg 'cuz an alligator be chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office, shopping mall or work-out
studio. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a.) highway
b.) jailhouse
c.) empty bed
d.) bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a.) Ashrams
b.) gallery openings
c.) country club
d.) yacht clubs
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you
happen to be an old Black man, and you slept in it.
12A. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
YES, if:
a.) You're older than dirt
b.) You're blind
c.) You shot a man in Memphis
d.) You can't be satisfied
e.) Your first name is a Southern state – like Georgia.
NO, if:
a.) You have all your teeth
b.) You were once blind, but now can see
c.) The man in Memphis lived
d.) You have a retirement plan or trust fund.
12B. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the Blues.
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the Blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the
Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a.) jug wine
b.) whiskey or bourbon
c.) muddy water
d.) black coffee.
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a.) mixed drinks
b.) kosher wine (in reality, a true Blues beverage,
but not allowed in Blues songs)
c.) Snapple
d.) sparkling water.
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues Death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse or dyin' lonely on a broken down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match, round of
golf, or while getting liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a.) Sadie
b.) Big Mama
c.) Bessie
d.) Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a.) Joe
b.) Big Joe
c.) Little Joe
d.) Willie
e.) Big Willie
f.) Little Willie
g.) Sam
h.) Big Sam
i.) Little Sam
18. Folks with names like Kip, Todd, Patrick, Troy, Muffy, Sierra,
Sequoia, Sunshine, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men
they shoot in Memphis.
19. To make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a.) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,
etc.) or size (Big, Little, Tall, Short, Tiny, Slim, Fat, etc.)
b.) Name of mental state (Lonesome, Homesick, Sleepy,
Lazy, etc.)
c.) Name of city or state (Memphis, Chicago, Kennebunkport,
Palm Beach; Georgia, Mississippi, New Hampshire,
Connecticut, etc.)
d.) First name (see a or b above) plus name of fruit
(Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) -- (Note: We allow substitution of your
1st name or a nickname.)
e.) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) –
(Note: We allow substitution of your 1st name or a nickname.)
e.g.: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Little New Hampshire, Willie, or
Lonesome Kiwi Fillmore
20. I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot
sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Burn it, spill a bottle of Mad Dog or
Thunderbird into it, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big-leg woman just
done sat on it. I don't care.
21. Needless to say, you can't play no Blues on a banjo, tuba, or harpsicord.
AI
