The Evil
By: Christina Mayo
Have you ever wondered to yourself why great civilizations have fallen? Well, whether or not you have, I can tell you that it is because of the squirrels. To build on this point, let me use colleges as an example. Usually, wild creatures do not have a place in an urban environment, however, because of administrative policies, squirrels have been shipped onto campuses nation wide. Officials have denied that the rodents were brought here purposefully, but do claim that "if on the off chance they [the squirrels] were attracted to colleges, it was purelly aesthetic measure." Experts claim that the squirrels produce an environment that remind people of home. I don't know where most students come from, but to me it doesn't sound like home. Here's the main flaws in the whole squirrel conspiracy: squirrels have no natural enemy other than man in an urban environment; mass squirrel numbers due to reproduction; squirrels cause millions of dollars in damage every year; squirrels have been the cause of death of innocents throughout the years; squirrels have no respect for privacy or property rights; and squirrels kill and castrate other squirrels.
First of all, in an urban environment, the squirrels have no natural enemy other than man. In addition, with the rise of new food storage procedures, the squirrels are no longer a viable staple.
Second, due to the recent liberal tree-hugging hippie tendencies, many have gone the "politically correct" way and have avoided the harming of the squirrels. NoW people no longer hunt them for fun and profit (as there is no longer any profit from squirrels in an industrial market due to mass reproduction and their low body mass). As a result squirrels have been allowed to overpopulate in exponential numbers. At this rate, scientists estimate that the squirrel population will reach the same level as humans within the next two years. Imagine, 6 billion squirrels, there is no way the ecosphere of the earth could support that many creatures.
Thirdly, squirrels have caused millions of dollars of damage every year. They are one of the top causes of power outages and damage to very expensive equipment. They seem to be attracted to transformers and fly into them like Kamikaze pilots. They are masters of breakins, detroying siding, vents, wiring, ect. in the process. Squirrels get into people's gardens and destroy the vegetables, fruits, and flowers causing massive crop damage. They rarely even consume them, they just detroy them for fun.
Fourth, squirrels have been the cause of death of innocent citizens throughout the years. How many times have innocent drivers barely avoided running off the road trying to miss (or to hit) a squirrel taunting them in the middle of the road? Some are not so lucky and wreck because of the little monsters. Squirrels caused the black plague in Europe and currently carry numerous life threatening deseases including rabies and bubonic plague. It is a historical fact that squirrels were one of the carriers of the black plauge in the Middle Ages throughout Europe leading to the horrible deaths of millions.
Fifth, squirrels have no respect for private or property rights. They invade attics and refuse to leave. They are not invited. An attic is not an oak tree, and they know this. They are too lazy to build their own houses so they try to take over someone else's. They move around in the attic at night scaring lttle kids. Squirrels are notorious theives stealing food and property from other animals and people. They are the most skillful theives on the planet. They are hated by birds and their watchers everywhere. They love to steal nuts and fruits. When measures are taken to prevent them from getting the prize, they try that much harder.
Finally, squirrels kill and castrate other squirrels. Naturalists that have studied squirrels have discovered many alarming behaviors among them. Squirrels fight among themselves. A male squirrel will invade the tree of an enemy squirrel and bite off the testacles of the young in the nest.
In conclusion, squirrels are evil. They may look cute, but have you ever really looked into a squirrel's eyes and seen what makes them tick? I have, and I was frightened by what I saw. Pure hatred towards all that we created. Squirrels want to destroy us with every inch of their tiny, fury little selves. They wish to destroy us humans for all we have done to them. What have we ever done to them though? I think such things have been lost to time, but it must have been really bad considering all their rage. The only way to solve this problem is to resurrect the old art of thinning out their numbers. As a citizen, it is your duty to flatten a squirrel any time you see one on the highway. One bump and you have just added another tally mark in the battle against the rodent menace. But undoubtedly, the squirrels have realized the hopeless situation for their race, and are plotting their plans at this very moment. So the next time you look at a "cute" little squirrel, ask yourself: "Is that love in his eye, or the murderous gleam of a deranged rodent?"
Thanx fer that awesome essay!! Love ya mayo
