Oh my, this is the kind of Email that gets sent around the Northeast LOL
A List of Things that Northerners Think, But Rarely Say. People from the
North have secret thoughts they don't share with the rest of the United
States of America. And with good reason. We just don't like "y'all" that
much.
By Curt Grumble
1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."
2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts,
Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than
tiny,under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't
ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.
4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother", always trying to
outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode
Islanders have the really thick accents.
5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about
it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter
ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.
6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move
on.
7. It scares us that the South actually feels like it should have won. I
mean, if it won, then slavery is still around. Why aren't Southerners
happy they lost? Okay, I suppose we're all sorry about Sherman. But
still, without him, you'd have even more hick towns. You should thank us
already and let it go. We're over it.
8. That said, we know the South has prettier girls. But ours are more
promiscuous.
9. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else is
"near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place,
but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.
10. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those states
scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved
Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.
11. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we
care. Don't they both have a Memphis?
12. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land where
everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know,
honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.
13. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything
over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.
14. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."
15. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where shallow
people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people get
arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.
16. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where they
feed.
17. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but
Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana
and chuck the peel.
18. Southerners, just by the very sound of the accent, are always less
intelligent. It's not our fault that they sound like Jolly Ranchers are
stuck in their mouths. Fix that, get rid of the Confederate flag and
maybe we'll take you seriously in something other than college football.
19. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always
panic.
20. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!
21. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa,
Idaho,Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas,
Utah, Missouri and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't
know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.
22. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.
23. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.
24. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.
25. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North
Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up
with more original names at some point?
26. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of
Mice and Men. Big scary difference.
27. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college
transfer states. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to
go.
28. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Gov. Jesse
Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.
29. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the
ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked
like Ted Danson. Yes, really.
30. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport.
Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding?
Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the
occasional field.
31. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.
32. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby.
We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.
33. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and universally
crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we show up?
34. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded
Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when
Pittsburgh was a steel town.
35. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see
it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it
has on the tight sweater.
36. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when
everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in
Philadelphia, Boston or New York.
