I came across a funny version of stock market terminology. Thought I’d share.
STOCK - magical piece of paper that is worth Rs 1000 until the moment you buy it. It will be worth Rs 200.
BOND - What you had with your spouse until you invested in the stock market.
BROKER - The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell BROKE.
BEAR - What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your friend gave you.
BULL - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation.
SHORT POSITION - A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "In debt, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.").
COMMISSION - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER - What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT - An archaic word no longer in use.
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