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NY Archdiocese Sells All Its Unprofitable Churches to Walmart

Written by Pointer

Story written: 19 May 2009

Tags: church

New entry way to South Bronx Immaculate Conception Wallmart Mall


Generations of New York City Roman Catholic families have celebrated their baptisms, marriages and funerals under the towering spires of their local parish churches. That was at least, until the Archdiocese under Cardinal Eddie "Efficiency Expert" Egan took the reins.

Egan employed the same "profitability formula" now popular among corporations that are firing loyal employees by the millions and closing franchises by the thousands.

Egan's spokesperson and accountant explained that the formula was simple: "You take the number of sacraments celebrated and divide it into the number of dollars in the collection. then you compare that number to the cost of the seven works of mercy. If there isn't a significant number left over for the enrichment of the local clergy (beer, wine, liquor, other essential largesse) and the big boys downtown and their taste for little boys, then the parish closes."

Many of these centuries old architectural masterpieces have become neighborhood Walmarts with distinctively ecclesiastical entry ways and some ushers have join the ranks of walmart greeters.

Wally Martin O'Brien claims that the new boss pays better and is a little less rude.