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Cornish Stock Market Crashes to 25-Year Low
Panic gripped the Cornish Stock Exchange this week; the PASTY 500 Index as investor confidence hit a 25-year low under the relentless onslaught of the global economic crisis.

The hardest hit markets were clotted cream futures and cyder production although the tea-room sector and cockles were also heavily affected.

The downturn has also brought personal tragedy to the proprietor of a Penzance fishing tackle shop. Unable to face the prospect of lowering his prices a tiny bit, the businessman threw himself from the first floor window of his premises to the horror of a group of assembled elderly onlookers and a seafood snack man who'd turned up to try and make a few quid. Despite police efforts to talk him down, the man leapt to his doom and broke his ankle. Sadly, he leaves behind a family of twelve children and an ugly nagging wife who weirdly looks exactly like him.

A glimmer of hope came on Thursday with the announcement that Bryan's Pasty shop is to diversify and produce a new pasty filling that will be primarily aimed at the tastes of a predominantly English tourist sector. The new pastry- 'Steak and kidney pie, chips 'n'gravy, a battered sausage and a pickled egg' flavour comes in three sizes to accommodate a range of budgets- large, medium and cocktail.

A spokesman for Bryan's...erm, Bryan, told a packed caravan of concerned local business elites-
"Oive made a right proper pretty pasty with this 'ere greasy English muck filling and they foreign half-wits don't realise oi don't wash me 'ands after oive been on't craaapper'.

The shops unit share value shot through the roof on friday after nine people bought one.

*More news from our 'Cornwall Today' section in tomorrows edition when we interview the Truro man who recently solved one side of the Rubick's Cube.