Subject:Resume of JOHN F. KERRY
Hello. My name is John Kerry and I'm running for President...I think. Please consider my qualifications as set forth in the following resume.
RESIDENCE:
Seven mansions, including Washington DC, worth multi-millions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
College:
I graduated from Yale Universitywith a low C average.
Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard or graduate with an M.B.A
Military:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnamvets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers.
I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans against the War: The New Soldier" shows how I truly feel about the military.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. As the voters in Massachusetts can attest, in my 32 years, not a single piece of legislation bears my name.
I have no real world experience except marrying a rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS USSENATOR:
I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.
I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself.
Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it.
I voted in favor of every liberal piece of legislation.
I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.
I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator.
I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yacht.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.
PERSONAL:
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up.
I ride a Serotta bicycle ($6500).
My Gulfstream V Jet I call "The Flying Squirrel."
I named my $850,000 42 foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche.
I don't own any SUVs but my family does, including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and you had better listen to it as it reflects our real culture.
PLEASE CONSIDER THE AFOREMENTIONED WHEN VOTING IN 2004.