Headline News....on satirewire
CHENEY DENIES PUBLIC REEMERGENCE
MEANS IT'S OK FOR HIM TO DIE NOW
Washington, D.C. - Vice President Dick Cheney, kept in seclusion for nearly six months to ensure his safety and the continuity of leadership in case the President was targeted, insisted his recent public reemergence does not mean that it's suddenly all right if he dies. More...
U.S. PROMISES TO CONSULT ALLIES BEFORE
DOING WHAT IT WAS GOING TO DO ANYWAY
Washington, D.C. - Bowing to international pressure not to act unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to consult with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do anyway. More...
FRENCH JUDGE GIVES TALIBAN WIN
Salt Lake City, Utah - Despite making what most observers agreed were "obvious technical errors," such as surrendering, the Taliban were awarded victory in the Afghanistan war last night after the French judge said they won on presentation. More...
FBI TO ISSUE 5-DAY TERROR FORECASTS
Washington, D.C. - Abandoning the last-minute, panic-inducing warning system it has used until now, the FBI today said it will begin issuing regular, five-day terror forecasts. Today's outlook: light, scattered terrorism early, tapering off by noon. Tomorrow: Clear, and seasonably dangerous. More...
BUSH ASKS NON-U.S. OLYMPIANS TO UNITE
BEHIND AMERICA BY FINISHING BEHIND AMERICA
Park City, Utah - Saying there could be no greater blow to the enemies of freedom than to see the United States win gold, President George W. Bush today called upon non-U.S. Olympians to unite behind America by finishing behind America. More...
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Beijing - Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. More...
