Nothing But Politics

[Chris McConnel]

Reading Is Fundamental [Apr 1, 2004]

Those among you who are politically minded and spend a lot of time on the Internet--and if you’re reading this site, you definitely spend WAY too much time—have by now familiarized yourselves with the popular “Left Behind” series of novels by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins, two men of impeccable literary pedigree. But I’m guessing you haven’t read the books. Fortunately for you, the recent collapse of my hybrid literary rock-n-roll empire has left me with a lot of free time.

On my way back from a recent trip to Chicago, I had an hour-and-a-half layover in Dallas, and was able to read all 12 novels in the series. That included an advance manuscript of the yet-unpublished Glorious Appearing, the final book, which I obtained by donating a pound of human flesh to a local fundamentalist church. I have to say I was surprised. LaHaye and Jenkins are writers of Balzacian scope. Their understanding of the subtleties of human interaction and the fragility of time rivals that of Proust. Melville, Wharton, Fitzgerald, Ellison, Chandler, Cather—they’ve got nothing on these guys. The only contemporary writer who comes even close to their greatness is Dave Eggers. But I only say that because he still owes me money.

I now offer a short summary of each book. For those of you with kids, I think it’s important to know what they’re going to be reading in school within the next few years. For those of you without, I encourage you to take their lessons to heart, lest you burn in hellfire forever, like me, because you failed to embrace the true Christ in your heart. Enjoy.

1. Left Behind: A Novel Of The Earth’s Last Days: Isabel Archer, a beautiful, spirited American, comes under the spell of Gilbert Osmond, the Antichrist, who attempts to offer her as a blood sacrifice to the succubus Madame Merle. Can born-again fighter pilot Ralph Touchette rescue Isabel before it’s too late?

2. Tribulation Force: The Continuing Drama Of Those Left Behind: Jake Barnes, an American war hero, develops mysterious stigmata on both palms. He falls in love with Brett, a chic, sexually unattainable Englishwoman who also happens to be the Antichrist. It’s up to bullfighter Pedro Romero to save the Iberian peninsula from being sucked into an abyss of eternal darkness.

3. Nicolae: The Rise Of The Antichrist: A young boy flees the clutches of his drunken, Jewish father and heads down the Mississippi with a escaped slave named Jim, who is already among the saved. Along the way, they meet the King and the Duke, two agents of Satan, and kick their collective ass.

4. Soul Harvest: The World Takes Sides: In the early days of Puritan Boston, Hester Prynne braves the stigma of adultery by wearing an embroidered scarlet “A” on her clothing. The Antichrist notices her immediately and takes her as his bride. When Hester begins speaking Hebrew and befriending homosexuals, her village elders have her executed as a witch.

5. Apollyon: The Destroyer Is Unleashed: A young African-American named Milkman Dead attempts to understanding the meaning of the multigenerational family drama that culminated in his birth. Unfortunately, he’s the Antichrist, so the meaning of his birth is all too clear to his heathen followers. The Lord gives Sethe, a young black woman from another town, the gift of summoning her ancestors. She unleashes a ghost army of true believers that paints the earth red with Milkman’s evil blood.

6. Assassins: Assignment: Jerusalem. Target: Antichrist: The members of the Bundren family must take the body of Addie, their matriarch, to the town where she wished to be buried. There, they encounter the Antichrist and his armies for a final apocalyptic showdown.

OK, folks. We’ve had our fun with these wacky, lurid, Christian thriller novels that one review called “unbelievably vomitous badness.” But let’s keep in mind that "Left Behind" novels have sold more than 60 million copies in this country and that Tim LaHaye is one of the most influential leaders of the Christian right. The Council For National Policy, an organization that he founded, was an important driving force behind the first candidacy of George W. Bush. There’s more scary information about LaHaye and the CNP than I can relay here, but this excellent Rolling Stone article by Robert Dreyfuss can fill in the details of his frightening apocalyptic worldview and of his connections to Bush and his attorney general John Ashcroft.

You may not have heard it here first, but you’re hearing it now. These are not people of faith, or true Christians. These are lunatics bent on the destruction of civil society by using us as pawns in their Armageddon passion play. And our President is one of them.

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