Xechem International Inc. (fka XKEM)

[Sabre68]

OT: A Just in time Christmas tool Guide!




Here’s a tool guide refresher – just in time for the holidays ...



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from

the object we are trying to hit.



SOLDERING IRON: Used to solder and unsolder electrical components. Most

don't get hot; others get so hot that circuit board traces get

evaporated, transistors burn off, resistors change colors, capacitors

sweat, fuses open, molten solder finds its way into the carpet, and many

other uses. Unstable people hold the handle in their mouth. Most users

blame the soldering iron for poor soldering practices.



MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

on boxes containing seats and leather jackets.



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in

their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling

mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the

rear wheel.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,

they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of

your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease

inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.



WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2

socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly

painted part you were drying.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint

whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to

say, "Ouch...."



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after

you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the fender.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a vehicle upward

off a hydraulic jack.



TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.



PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic

floor jack.



SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and

is ten times harder than any known drill bit.



TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.



TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to

disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool

that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

without the handle.



BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid

from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that

your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.



TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop

light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which

is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside,

its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same

rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few

hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name

is somewhat misleading.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used,

as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. Most can strip

off the screws on a car in a heartbeat, especially if the owner is

watching.



AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds

them off.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.



EXACTO KNIFE: A surgically sharpened knife cartridge blade, that is never

tight enough inside the handle. Its aircraft precession surgical sharpened

cartridge blade will be amazingly sharp when you don't want it to be,

and incredible dull when you need sharp. If you have an Exacto Knife, you

also have a band aid box nearby.