America Strikes Back

[excel]

Look out, Kabul. We're coming on Harleys and Hueys

By Jeff Ackerman

Florida resident Steve Huffman called last week to say he has a fully operational Huey helicopter in his front yard ready to take us to Afghanistan.

It seems I struck a chord in suggesting that Uncle Sam recruit old guys, not young guys, in this fight on terrorism.

I even got a note from the editors at Biker Magazine, asking if they could reprint the column. If everything goes as planned we'll soon have a division of Harleys roaring through the deserts of Afghanistan looking to smoke any flag-burning, camel-smoocher it crosses.

"Eagle," as Huffman calls himself, says he purchased the old military helicopter a few years ago and that it is sitting in his front yard.

"I am pleased to announce that we have just completed the first 'retraining' flight aboard the Huey UH-1 that 'Uncle Sammy' loaned me," the Vietnam vet wrote in a followup e-mail. "In fact, we met our volunteer list of eight personnel immediately. Unfortunately, only six could actually step onboard ... due to a shift in gross weight of each member we had after all these years."

He said he and his crew flight-checked the chopper and that they are ready for orders. "We even guard our own aircraft since one of our members has prostrate problems and is up all night peeing anyway."

A few days later Eagle told me his "Over 50 Counter Terrorists Unit" was continuing its training somewhere in Florida and that it was going well.

"Reveille was sounded by Broken Ticker's gas attack from the chili we created last night from old C Rations," he wrote.

Donald Hosmer wrote from Dearborn, Mich., to say he's been preparing for the end for years and that his neighbors no longer think he's nuts.

"Our family prepared years ago and have been rotating stored food and supplies over time," he wrote. "It became a sideline to normal life, but now the neighbors are overwhelming us with questions and requests for hard-to-find equipment."

Melanie Graham wrote me from Canada to say the cutoff age there is 52 for reservists and that she had just joined the Navy at 48. "Most of the 24-year-old kids couldn't keep up with me in Basic Training last summer," she wrote. "Now I'm studying to become a vessel command officer and like it so much I'm leaving the Reserves to join the Regular Navy. Maybe the U.S. forces will also see the wisdom of recruiting mature personnel."

I was also chastised for not including "Old Gals" in my "Over 50" movement.

"Do you know why instead of adding 50-year-olds to the Army, they added females?" First Lt. Christie McDowell from Portland, Ore., asked in her letter. "Because the last thing an enemy like the Taliban wants to see is a bunch of desert-weary women with PMS."

Coincidentally, the Wall Street Journal last week reported that in spite of the terrorist attacks in New York and Washington, D.C., recruits are not knocking the doors down to get in. "We're still waiting for people to break the doors down," one recruiter told that newspaper.

In addition to the age restrictions, potential recruits are also being rejected for lots of other reasons, according the article. They say you can't join if you:

-- Are on Prozac. That's a little ticky-tacky, if you ask me. You take some Prozac, a deep breath, and squeeze the trigger. It's all about nerves.

-- Have used marijuana more than 10 times. They didn't say if those 10 times needed to be on consecutive days. "Have you smoked marijuana 10 times in the last week?" the recruiter might ask. "No sir!" the recruit might respond. "I'm pretty sure it was nine times."

-- Have metal plates or screws in your body. That's also a bit excessive. An army of metal-plate-headed soldiers would be a terrifying thing. Especially if they weren't wearing helmets.

-- Have tattoos above the neck or on the hands. I suppose it depends on what the tattoo depicts. You could shave your head and have a tattoo with an arrow on the side of the scalp that reads: Metal plate here.

-- Be missing body parts. Again, I think they need to be more specific. There are many body parts that just get in the way on the battlefield. Thumbs, for example.

-- Have braces. I kind of agree with that one. Dead giveaway on sunny days. It would also give the enemy an edge. "Hey, tinsel teeth!" they'd probably tease.

"There's a lot more people out there who can't join than who can," one sergeant told the Wall Street Journal.

No wonder. There's a million "Over 50" men and women out there ready to fight, and a million more if Uncle Sam would just waive a few other restrictions. Give me 10,000 old guys and gals with metal plates and Prozac and we'll deliver Kabul on a platter within two weeks.

All we need to do is figure out how Eagle can shuttle us from Florida to Afghanistan on a war-torn Huey helicopter.



Jeff Ackerman is publisher and editor of the Nevada Appeal.

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