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Re: None

Sunday, 12/21/2003 8:41:46 AM

Sunday, December 21, 2003 8:41:46 AM

Post# of 315
Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to
function relatively well. However, you are still
parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak &fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a
staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing
around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle
House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are
definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you
gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored
schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were
home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4
cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a
diet Coke--- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak
too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has
already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only
shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it
looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five BM's you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is
actually annoying the employee who sits in the next
cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in
the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth
in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy
out. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't
have the foggiest idea who the stranger was
passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to
defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to
splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death
sounds pretty good about right now....

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
*Indubitably
*Innovative
*Preliminary
*Proliferation
*Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
*Specificity
*British Constitution
*Passive-aggressive disorder
*Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
*Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
*Nope, no more booze for me
*Sorry, but you're not really my type
*Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
*Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing


trkyhntr
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
--Mark Twain (1866)

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