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Spelling error led to war in Iraq
by James Clingman
April 4, 2007

Colin Powell ominously displayed the aerial views of dangerous chemicals and biological weapons in Iraq. George and Condi spoke to us about "mushroom" clouds and the yellow cake purchase from Niger. Cheney and all the PNAC boys sounded the alarm about WMD, and it was on! We were at war in Iraq. Since that time, the reason for going to war has changed so many times it's ridiculous. From U.S. dollar hegemony (Petrodollars if you will), to control of the oil in the region, to Saddaam killed his own people, to liberation of the Iraqi people. All have been offered as reasons for this stupid war. But now I know why we are there in Iraq; it was all due to a spelling error.

I can hear the conversation now between George Bush and Dick Cheney, of course, with Condi and Karl lingering near. "Hey, Dick, tell me again what our reason is for starting a new war with Iran," George asks. "If we have told you once, George, we have told you a million times. Iran is the real culprit in the war on terror; it poses the greatest threat to us. Haven't you been watching Sean Hannity, Glen Beck, and our other buddies on the news? Haven't I told you to watch Fox News at least once a day?"

Condi chimes in, "George, I have told you what to say and when to say it as well; what's wrong with you? Why is your attention span so short?" George responds, I don't know, Condi; I just seem to get distracted so easily, you know, this is hard work, hard work. But let me get this straight: our greatest threat is Iran not Iraq, right?"

George thumps the side of head like the man in the V-8 commercial and says, "Now I get it! It's that darned "Q" that got me confused. I should have put an "N" in there instead of that darned "Q." What was I thinking?"

"Back in 2002, when we were talking about going to war, I kept thinking it was Iraq, and I kept writing Iraq in my notes. Now you are telling me that Iran is the real threat. I'm sorry; I have been misspelling it all this time," George laments. "It's that darn "Q; Iraq, Iran, this is so confusing. How will I ever explain why we wasted, that's right, I said 'wasted' more than 3,000 soldiers and maimed 30,000 others, all because of a stupid 'Q'?"

Karl responds in exasperation, "That's all right, George, we'll take care of it, just like we always have. The American people bought the WMD story and all the other reasons we gave them, and they will understand that you simply made a spelling error and ordered the destruction of Iraq rather than Iran." Cheney interjects, "The more we tell them Iran is our greatest threat and the place we should be worried about, the more we scare them out of their wits about nuclear weapons being developed over there, the easier it will be for us to go to war with Iran."

"That's right!" George responds. Those people are not even as smart as I am; they will believe anything we tell them, at least they used to. Do you really think they will buy it this time, Dick?"

"No problem, George, we'll handle it. After all, it's time we build your legacy. I can see it now, George W. Bush, the Greatest War President in American History. Even though you went into Iraq by mistake, because of a simple spelling error, it was an honest mistake. Now you have the opportunity to fight two major wars at the same time. Wow! What other President can claim to have done that?"

"Thanks, guys; you're the best team a President could ever have. You all are doin' a heck of a job," Bush says, as he breathes a sigh of relief.

The new campaign has begun. We are being told on a daily basis, many times over, that Iran is the country we must fear as we seek control of the so-called Middle East. It's Iran that has killed the most Americans prior to 911, Iran that poses a nuclear threat, Iran that funds the terrorists. It's now Iran, stupid!

But wait. Didn't the folks who flew the planes into the World Trade Center come from Saudi Arabia? Hasn't it been proven that the Saudi's have funneled money to fund terrorists? Wasn't it Saudi's that were allowed to leave the country by airplane when no one else was allowed to fly after 911? Oh yes, I forgot, the Saudi Royal Family is friends with the Bush Royal Family. Sorry for being so naïve.

Okay, try this one. Wasn't Osama Bin Laden the one who ordered the WTC and Pentagon destruction? Wasn't he living in some cave in Afghanistan, where we went prior to going into Iraq? Whatever happened to Bin Laden anyway? Oh well, as Yul Brynner said in the King and I, "It's a puzzlement." But at least we have a plausible reason for our impending war with Iran; Bush couldn't spell it, and he ordered troops into to Iraq instead.

Back to the conversation. Condi sighs, "The Iraq war was all a huge mistake. Much like Dan Quayle could not spell 'potato,' George, you couldn't spell Iran." Cheney, in support of his President says, "That darned "Q" kept getting in his way, but what a difference one letter can make, huh? Halliburton made tons of money; I'm set for life!" Bush boyishly chimes in, "I may not be able to spell, but Saddaam did try to kill my daddy!"
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James E. Clingman, an adjunct professor at the University of Cincinnati's African American Studies department, is former editor of the Cincinnati Herald newspaper and founder of the Greater Cincinnati African American Chamber of Commerce. He hosts the radio program, 'Blackonomics,' and has written several books, including Black-o-Knowledge-Stuff.