My fathers' favorite joke...
A guy walks into a bar completely wasted.
He trips up to the bartender and says(drunkenly slurred), "Gimme a drink"...
The bartender says, "I'm not giving you a drink, you're already drunk...we're busy, go away".
The guy says, "No I'm not...watch, I'll hit a bullseye over there on that dartboard".
Bartender says, "First off, no you won't, second, even if you do I'm not giving you a drink. MOve on!".
The drunk guy proceeds to pick up a dart and sure enough, nails the bullseye.
Bartender reasonably amazed says, "Well, that was truly impressive, extremely lucky, but policy is policy, no drink".
Drunk guy says "Where's my prize?".
Bartender says in a frustrated tone, "Man, I don't have any prizes! Can't you see we're slammed?"
Drunk guy says "WHERE"S MY PRIZE!".
Bartender figured the easiest way out of the situation was to just give the guy something and hope to never see him again.
He looks around, sees nothing to give him, and finally looks at the aquarium, reaches in, and grabs the turtle that's been there a while, thinking that it could probably use a new home, seeing that it never got any attention whatsoever.
"Here, says the bartender".
The drunk guy takes the turtle, shrugs, and walks off.
Several months go by and, sure enough, drunk guy walks into the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender thinks back, can vaguely remember his previous exchange with this particular individual, and says, "I remember you. You're that drunk guy. Same thing goes for this time like it did last time. NO DRINK".
Drunk guy says "I'm not drunk. I could hit a bullseye over there on that dartboard".
Bartender says, "Now I know you can't do that again. I can't give you a drink still, but it doesn't matter because you won't be hitting a bullseye!"
Drunk guy says "What are you going to give me if I do?"
Bartender says, "A Prize!!! We don't give out prizes! I don't have anything to give you, and don't remember why I gave you anything at all the first time you were in here...what'd I give you last time?"
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In a slurred, drunken tone...
"Roast beef on a hardroll"...
