Your Economy (No Politics)

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Is There a Doctor Jill in the House? (Satire)

By Robin M. Itzler

In the United States, between 40-50 percent of first marriages end in divorce. It’s even higher for second marriages: a whopping 60-70%. American Thinker contributor Robin Itzler recently met with First Lady Jill Biden to learn more about her and Joe and the secrets of their successful long-time marriage. (This is satire, for those who may be unsure.)

ME: You and President Biden have been married since 1977. There’ve been numerous stories about how you met. Some scenarios raise eyebrows and others are heartwarming. Can you take a few minutes to share how you met your future husband?

JILL: Yes.

ME: Go ahead...

JILL: Yes.

ME: Please take your time...

JILL: Yes.

ME: Okay, moving along. Americans have always been intrigued by our First Ladies, especially their tastes in fashion. Can you tell us when you became fascinated by sofa prints?

JILL: For some reason, the best dress designs are on couches.

ME: As our nation’s First Couple, much is done for you. Are there any tasks you continue to do on your own?

JILL: I like doing some things around our Delaware house. For example, when our daughter Ashley comes for a visit, I always make sure the shower is sparkling clean.

ME: Do you think working Americans identify with you and Joe?

JILL: Lunch Pail Joe and I are just like regular folks who shop at Balmart …

ME: You mean Walmart.

JILL: Yeah, Galmart. We are like average working Americans except most of our friends are in China, Iran, and Ukraine.

ME: Some Americans believe the Biden family partners with the Communist Chinese.

JILL: ?? (Never)

ME: Some Americans believe the Biden administration is too cozy with the Islamic terrorist regime in Iran.

JILL: ???? (Never)

ME: Certainly, there’s reason for suspicion about President Biden being involved with Hunter in Ukraine.

JILL: ????? (No)

ME: Joe Biden has been in public office most of his adult life. Some people say he doesn’t understand what it’s like to work in the private sector and live paycheck to paycheck.

JILL: Joe knows what hard work is since he once drove an 18-wheeler.

ME: Besides patriotic Americans, what else does Joe hate?

JILL: Well, he hated that Special Counsel Robert Hur asked him when his son Beau died.

ME: Excuse me, Mrs. ….

JILL: That’s DOCTOR Biden!!! Not, “Mrs.” I spent several hours writing that dissertation paper with all the spelling mistakes and typos so people would have to call me DOCTOR Jill Biden!!!!

ME: My apologies, DOCTOR Biden. But the official transcript shows that Special Counsel Hur never asked President Biden when his son Beau died. It was your husband who brought it up.

JILL: That might be true. However, most of the media is on our side and they will say Hur brought it up. You need to watch The View.

ME: Speaking of the The View, what programs do you and President Biden watch together?

JILL: Our television viewing is limited to when Joe isn’t conducting presidential duties. Joe conducts presidential business between 10 AM and noon with one hour for lunch.

ME: After the horrific Hamas attack on Israel last October 7, it seems to many people that your husband supports the Hamas terrorists.

JILL: Is this interview going to be published in Michigan and Minnesota?

ME: Yes, American Thinker is a leading national conservative website with millions of readers across the United States.

JILL: Well, as Joe said, there are good people on both sides. You have innocent Israelis who were mutilated, tortured, raped, kidnapped or killed, and you have innocent Hamas folks who did all the mutilating, torturing, raping, kidnapping and killing.

ME: Are you and President Biden upset about all the antisemitic protests taking place on college campuses?

JILL: Joe and I think it’s great when college students enjoy the outdoors.

ME: They say surprises are important for a long, loving marriage. Can you share with us a recent surprise gift that Joe gave you?

JILL: Yes, Joe bought me the most beautiful keffiyeh to wear when we visit Michigan and Minnesota.

ME: Special Counsel Hur wrote in his report and repeated before Congress that Joe Biden is an “elderly man with a poor memory.” This is very sensitive, DOCTOR Biden, but there are some people who think President Biden has dementia and—

JILL: Ridiculous! That makes as much sense as saying he wears wide soles to maintain his balance. Or uses the shorter rear stairs on Air Force One to keep from falling. Or hides his slow and shuffling gait, by having others walk with him to and from helicopter Marine One. Or shakes his hand with the air after giving speeches. Or wanders on stage because he doesn’t know to go left or right. Or walks off the stage in the middle of a speech to sniff a child’s hair. Or turns his back on the audience while giving a speech where I need to turn him around.

ME: What was the most frightening moment in all your years together?

JILL: The horrific kitchen fire that lasted 20 minutes and almost resulted in Joe losing his beloved Corvette. You know the Corvette in the garage that protected all the classified documents that Joe took home when he was senator and vice president. Joe said that our small kitchen fire reminded him of the devastating Maui wildfires that killed more than 100 people, destroyed more than 2,200 structures and caused about $5.5 billion in damages. And let’s mention Beau, too.

ME: Besides you, who has most influenced President Biden?

JILL: Corn Pop and Nelson Mandela. Joe was arrested trying to see Mandela in prison.

ME: Even the liberal media says that’s not true.

JILL: But the intelligent gals on the critically acclaimed The View say it’s true.

ME: Does the president have any hobbies?

JILL: Sniffing children’s hair. Would you like to see some photos?

ME: No, thank you. I can find them on the internet.

ME: DOCTOR Biden, some people say you are the driving force behind the President running for re-election.

JILL: Malarkey! That makes as much sense as Joe saying, “pause” when reading the teleprompter.

ME: After 48+ years of marriage, what do you treasure most about Joe Biden?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: What do you love most about being Joe’s wife?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: What are you most thankful for?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: What gives you the most satisfaction in life?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: How do you want to be remembered?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: Does it bother you that some people accuse you of elder abuse since it’s obvious President Biden suffers from dementia or some mental acuity issue and yet you still want him to run for re-election?

JILL: Being First Lady.

ME: Any final thoughts?

JILL: Being First Lady.

https://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2024/05/is_there_a_doctor_jill_in_the_house_satire.html