Ten bucks says you own a pair of truck nuts.
I’m not a big fan of stupid people. If you’re a little slow on the upswing, that’s perfectly excusable. But if you’re loudly, willfully, blatantly ignorant I have no interest in you or your opinions. And since I’m a busy man who doesn’t have a lot of time to spend figuring out whether or not you’re an imbecile, I always appreciate indicators that clearly mark a person’s lack of intelligence. Examples of these “idiot indicators” include, but are not limited to: face tattoos, those earlobe discs, kid leashes (for the parent, not the child),
But my favorite idiot indicators are probably truck nuts.
Truck nuts are faux testicles that can be purchased at any auto supply store and secured to the back of a vehicle’s trailer hitch. The nuts then dangle freely as said vehicle makes its way down the road. I recently spent miles driving behind a truck sporting a pair of these plastic balls, and was delighted because their presence immediately informed me that the driver was a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger who should be avoided. Better to slow down and give this pinhead some room.
Why do people adorn their vehicles with this incredibly ridiculous novelty item? I assume truck nuts are a misplaced symbol of maleness and virility less educated men feel compelled to display in order to make it abundantly clear that they are, in fact, men. (As if the comically oversized pick-up truck hadn’t already communicated this message.) I’m sure truck nut aficionados would argue that strapping a set of cojones onto a car isn’t a sign of rampant stupidity. However, I would challenge those people to show me a single set of truck nuts in the parking lot of a cancer research center or an Ivy League University or NASA.
I’m also going to go way out on a limb and assume truck nuts are a wholly American phenomenon. Brookstone has demonstrated that even intelligent, well-to-do Americans enjoy buying useless crap so convincing a dullard with a trailer hitch to spend his hard-earned money on fake balls is like taking candy from a baby.
The only thing more annoying than living in a country where men buy plastic scrota for their trucks is living in a country where inventing plastic scrota has made someone a small fortune. Somewhere in the U.S. of A. there’s a rich guy consuming a regular diet of lobster tail and Dom Perignon because he was the first person with the forethought to produce fake testicles for automobiles. And he probably customized his McMansion with reminders of his brilliance; doors and cupboard handles in the shape of truck nuts, a wrought iron gate shaped like truck nuts, and a large swimming pool shaped like, you guessed it, truck nuts.
AI
