EDWARD ROBERT STARRS is a DRUNK, a JUNKIE, a CROOK, a CONVICT, a JAILBIRD, a SWINDLER, an EMBEZZLER, a PENNYSCAMMER, a LOSER, a FAILURE, and a MORON, among others.
That is reality.
CrookEddy ought to have stayed in Wyoming, Iowa - he might have made assistant shift manager at a Menard's or a Theisen's store by now.