HOUSE COMMITTEE ON AMC SQUEEZE INVESTIGATION TESTIMONY (FUTURE EDITION)
HF: Thank you Madam Speaker, for the last 2 years some of the United States most established and dynamic financial institutions - pillars of the financial community - and some of the most powerful entities in the world have been subject to a constant attach by these self proclaimed "APES." They identified a stock, they proclaimed "they liked this stock" - none of my peers could see why these "APES" could have such affection for a 100 year old company that brought provided access to films that moved and entertained these APES through their formative years - so they began their plan to destroy us - and THEY BOUGHT!
CONGRESS PERSON (through a drunken slur): OH MY! And then what happened...
HF: (emotional pause) THEY BOUGHT!
CONGRESS PERSON: Was this brought to anyone's attention you were under such attack?
HF: (anger) Oh yeah, they tried to stop them... We thought after they were stopped for a while they would lose interest - cuz you know they are apes - apes are dumb - but no... NO. THEY BOUGHT!
CONGRESS PERSON: What did they do then?
HF: THEY BOUGHT!
CONGRESS PERSON: (taking a drink of "water") When they were done buying what did they do?
HF: THEY BOUGHT! THEY BOUGHT MORE! AND MORE THERE WAS SO MUCH BUYING! THEY WOULDN'T STOP BUYING!
CONGRESS PERSON: I find this hard to believe that no one told me that I should buy?
HF: We didn't think they would keep buying... BUT. THEY. JUST. KEEP. BUYING!
CONGRESS PERSON: I AM SO sorry. This must have been horrible for you.
HF: "Been?" It's happening right now - I CAN HEAR THE CLICKING OF THEIR APE FINGERS ON THE KEY BOARD! BUY BUY BUY BUY! THEY JUST KEEP BUYING!
CONGRESS PERSON: So this is going to make the price go up?
HF: Well, yes... Artificially. We tried to save things by making fake shares...
CONGRESS PERSON: And what happened?
HF: They bought all those!!!
CONGRESS PERSON: So you made fake shares out of nothing... So how many fake shares can you make?
HF: As many as we want... Well an infinite amount...
CONGRESS PERSON: Oh, okay... Well that sounds like it could be...
HF: NO! THEY BOUGHT ALL THOSE TOO - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND LADY! THEY JUST KEEP BUYING! THEY BOUGHT ALL OF INFINITY! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INFINITY IS??? THEY BOUGHT THEM ALL! WE DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DID IT!
THIS IS SERIOUS! IF THE PRICE GOES TO THE MOON WE WILL BE DESTROYED!
CONGRESS PERSON: I am sorry... Let me get one thing straight... What is this company we are talking about?
HF: What?
CONGRESS PERSON: I wasn't listening before - what is the company - what do they do - lawnmowers?
HF: What? No... AMC... the largest movie theatre... AMC
CONGRESS PERSON: And what is the ticker symbol? (turning to assistant and handing her phone to assistant - "log me into TDA")
HF: AMC. THE TICKER IS AMC.
CONGRESS PERSON: Can you repeat that?
HF: AM...
CONGRESS PERSON: A.
HF: AMC
CONGRESS PERSON: M.
HF: AMC AMC AMC
CONGRESS PERSON: C.
HF: Madam Chair person are you buying?
CONGRESS PERSON: Hold on... Hold on... Calm down...
[TRANSCRIPT REDACTED]
