AI
Thursday, December 03, 2020 11:00:12 PM
Indeed. I guess early on I used to drink to be social and sometimes it was too much to where I was falling down and sick the next day, but I always was able to brush myself off and get back on the horse.
Then it turned into drinking so I wouldn't be sick. Those expensive micro-brews would go down as fast as a cheap macro and when I can buy 12 or 24 for the price of six well, you do the math.
It's also why I stopped hanging out in bars where one bottle or pint costs 5 dollars but a case at home was between 15 or 20. That and a couple of close shaves with DUI arrests that cost me a small fortune for my lawyer to get them overturned in court.
After burning through my 'disposable income' on partying like a rock star, I turned inward and proceeded to lose my wife because of it.
I gave up most all of the illicit shit but could never give up my beers until last year. I was feeling better and moving out but the temptation of going out with the boys always remained. Then the covid hit and I was really on an island.
and LOL I smoke too and my tobacco intake damn near doubled when I quit drinking, so that's the next thing I was working on. My first f-up in months was on election night. Then I got a hold of it again until this last week. I had a couple of seemingly harmless cocktails with my mom during the week and the urge came back again by the time I got home.
hence the binge.
Work is still between a rock and a hard place but today, like tomorrow I go do what I can at our food bank so I can still get out and be productive without sitting at home stewing more.
There I get to see people who can relate to my disease and it's also how I found the AA meetings. I don't have to be a phony when I go there as I have had to do being a contractor for the past years.
I just got off of one of the zoom meetings and I feel better. It's not a cure but it really does help. I don't buy into all that 12 step bullshit but it's comforting to know and meet people who feel like I do and understand the struggle.
It sucks because I really do miss the good times at the parties but I'm at a point where it's all or nothing. There is no 'just one' anymore because I really cannot control myself. As I stated, I am fortunate enough to already have a network and a career that I really enjoy but there's not going to be anymore 3 martini lunches ever again and that's the hurdle I have to overcome when meeting new clients or fellow employees.
In the long run, I know I will be better and healthier for it but sometimes I just feel like 'fuck it', I got nothing to live for anyway. That's why I try to immerse myself in places like the shelters and the food bank, so I have a purpose outside of trying to make a dollar. Being able to give back a little gives me some satisfaction and knowing that I'm only a couple steps away from standing on the other side of the transaction keeps me on my toes.
Whatever it is I'm looking for, I sure as hell am not going to find it in the bottom of a six-pack of overpriced beer.
sorry for the rant but I get a little fragile sometimes.
Then it turned into drinking so I wouldn't be sick. Those expensive micro-brews would go down as fast as a cheap macro and when I can buy 12 or 24 for the price of six well, you do the math.
It's also why I stopped hanging out in bars where one bottle or pint costs 5 dollars but a case at home was between 15 or 20. That and a couple of close shaves with DUI arrests that cost me a small fortune for my lawyer to get them overturned in court.
After burning through my 'disposable income' on partying like a rock star, I turned inward and proceeded to lose my wife because of it.
I gave up most all of the illicit shit but could never give up my beers until last year. I was feeling better and moving out but the temptation of going out with the boys always remained. Then the covid hit and I was really on an island.
and LOL I smoke too and my tobacco intake damn near doubled when I quit drinking, so that's the next thing I was working on. My first f-up in months was on election night. Then I got a hold of it again until this last week. I had a couple of seemingly harmless cocktails with my mom during the week and the urge came back again by the time I got home.
hence the binge.
Work is still between a rock and a hard place but today, like tomorrow I go do what I can at our food bank so I can still get out and be productive without sitting at home stewing more.
There I get to see people who can relate to my disease and it's also how I found the AA meetings. I don't have to be a phony when I go there as I have had to do being a contractor for the past years.
I just got off of one of the zoom meetings and I feel better. It's not a cure but it really does help. I don't buy into all that 12 step bullshit but it's comforting to know and meet people who feel like I do and understand the struggle.
It sucks because I really do miss the good times at the parties but I'm at a point where it's all or nothing. There is no 'just one' anymore because I really cannot control myself. As I stated, I am fortunate enough to already have a network and a career that I really enjoy but there's not going to be anymore 3 martini lunches ever again and that's the hurdle I have to overcome when meeting new clients or fellow employees.
In the long run, I know I will be better and healthier for it but sometimes I just feel like 'fuck it', I got nothing to live for anyway. That's why I try to immerse myself in places like the shelters and the food bank, so I have a purpose outside of trying to make a dollar. Being able to give back a little gives me some satisfaction and knowing that I'm only a couple steps away from standing on the other side of the transaction keeps me on my toes.
Whatever it is I'm looking for, I sure as hell am not going to find it in the bottom of a six-pack of overpriced beer.
sorry for the rant but I get a little fragile sometimes.
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