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Ok, so the boss said I can post one of the holiday countdown e-mails (its what I call them anyway). Some are funnier than others but this weeks email was pretty darn funny so here you go:
Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE
Team,
Good morning everyone. I hope everyone is doing well and looking forward to another successful day of exceeding expectations and moving us a few steps closer to our objectives. As many of you are aware the holiday countdown continues and with our first sales event beginning in just 60 short days we must ensure a steady cadence of productivity.
To highlight the point, I just got off a call with the big man himself and he emphasized that he is counting on us to fulfill our contract to assist his elves in delivering the cleanest and freshest possible Christmas yet (Seems like everything is outsourced these days). Now I don’t want to put any more pressure on you but please remember that Mr. C is always watching (as if the security in this building wasn’t enough-am I right?) and the last thing we need is anyone putting the rest of us on the “other” list (I have had my eyes on a sweet set of bed sheets for quite some time).
Please see below current state of Polar Operations.
Holiday Mission SITREP
UAT Arms:
The North Poles cloaking and force field SNOW DOME has been expanded to include the protection of reindeer from bad actors such as grumpy polar bears. The Anti-Scrooge Candy Cane Sleigh Defense System (ASCCSD) now has enhanced rifling of the stripes on each projectile for improved accuracy and extended range. Initial field tests against UAS’s (Unmanned Arial Scrooge vehicles) have been successful. #MAKENORTHPOLESAFEAGAIN
UAT Intelligence:
SANTAINT has confirmed that PROJECT SNOW DOME has not been compromised and currently there are no actionable threats against The North Pole or any other holiday asset. In cooperation with NORAD, UAT’s ASD (Applied Sciences Division) will continue its commitment to the vigilant oversight of MAP (Magical Asset Protection) protocols of Santa during his INFIL and EXFIL of North America before we hand off to MI5 over the Mid-Atlantic. #HOLIDAYBREXITPAUSE
UAT GreenTech:
UAT’s proprietary zero carbon sleigh propulsion system, SleigHGEN (snow-flake hydrogen generator) has passed all flight tests and is no longer designated under the X nomenclature. The new Sleigh apparatus now emits stable ice crystals that once they come in contact with the polar caps, improves the structural integrity of polar glaciers thus retarding the effects of global warming. #WHOSAYSWEHAVNTCHANGEDTHEWORLD
UAT Aerospace:
The Reign-D platform has successfully concluded its UAT designed targeting and force protection systems. The DOD has been notified and SECDEF has green lit operations globally to include optimized flight paths. So, expect your gifts up to a minute and forty-seven seconds earlier this year. When multiplied by 7.442 Billion people world-wide, this represents a significant savings to the Clausian Budget which can be re-appropriated to spread additional joy, hiring of new elves and expanded candy cane flavoring technologies. This includes but is not limited to, viable sugar alternatives designed to reduce negative health impacts in children under the age of 12 thus, mitigating National healthcare costs to the American taxpayer in support of the President’s commitment of reducing taxes for the American people. #WINNING
UAT BioTech:
The new Santa suit, FATS (Flexible Artic Technology-Suit), now features Hygieia™ technology throughout and will decrease ingress and egress of chimney delivery times, enhance the VIP's comfort and will convert body heat to love. Additionally, all elves have been issued Thomas Kinkade Hygieia boxers with a special gingerbread man motif this year, derived from the core ingredient of sugar plums. #REENGINEERINGJOY
Action Items:
• UAT HR in cooperation with the Elves Union is spearheading the implementation of a new Height Equality and Anti-Candy Cane Shaming Initiative. It’s a real problem and we at UAT remain resolute in our commitment to improving workplace equality above the 45th parallel. #ELVESAREPEOPLETOO
• A member of our team returned from lunch to find their Hygieia pillow missing and a ransom note in its place. To the individual detaining this pillow against its will; No, I will not allow the victim of this crime to meet you at high noon beneath the fork-lift, with a five-pound bag of Twizzlers, an autographed photo of Leonard Nimoy and a three pack of Hygieia boxers; because:
a) Sugar is bad for you and five pounds of Twizzlers is ridiculous, what are you 12?
b) We do not negotiate with terrorists (or Star Trek nerds)
c) If you want Hygieia boxers they are free to employees. Stop being lazy and walk your diabetic nerdy rear-end to fulfillment and grab a pair!
and finally but most importantly...
d) We here at UAT possess a very particular set of skills. Skills we have acquired over very long careers. Skills that make us a nightmare for people like you. If you let the pillow go now that'll be the end of it. We will not look for you, we will not pursue you, but if you don't, we will look for you, we WILL find you and we will use your requested new pair of Hygieia boxers to tie you to the fork-lift upside down and leave you there overnight watching Star Trek V on loop.
• Also, please stop leaving the portal to the north pole open as its magnetic field attracts a lot of attention and the last thing we need is Elon Musk snooping around!
That is all for now. I hope everyone has an amazing day!
Respectfully,
Alex Umbra
Chairman & Chief Executive Officer
Umbra Applied Technologies Group, Inc.
