Ireland Declares War on France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the
Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your
army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the
pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on.
We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000
armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we
last spoke"
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!
We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the
Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you,
Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last
spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I
am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and
finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners
AI
