MARKET SCAMS

[jmhollen]

Friday's fractured, but OFF TOPIC, funnies...:

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St. Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
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You know you're old if you can remember when bacon, eggs and sunshine were good for you.
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TOP TEN REDNECK COUNTRY SONGS OF ALL TIME
10. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye!
9. I Sold A Car To A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run - So We're
Even.
8. I Haven't Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few
7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
6. You Gave Me Warm Fuzzies....Now I'm on Penicillin!
5. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
3. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
2. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
1. She's A Lookin' Better After Every Beer
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Top 10 Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He's one hard judge!
3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers!
4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute!
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!
10. Think you can get me off
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Real Ads
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children$2.00.
11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home.
13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand.
14. Great dames for sale.
15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition.
16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.
18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.
21. Man, honest. Will take anything.
22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.
24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
26. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size,unmatched in
variety,unrivaled inconvenience.
27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
for $1.00.
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After starting her own business, an investment counselor found she was doing so well, she needed to get in-house counsel. So she began interviewing young lawyers. "In this business," she stated to one of her first applicants, "our personal integrity must be beyond question. Do you consider yourself an honest lawyer, Mr. Ford?" "I certainly do!" replied the lawyer. "I'm so honest that after my father loaned me fifteen thousand dollars for my education, I paid back every penny after my very first case."The investment counselor was impressed. "What sort of case was it?" she asked.The lawyer pressed his lips tightly for a moment before finally answering, "He sued me for the money."
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."
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5 out of every 4 Americans has trouble with fractions...
and finally...

new definition for for the following words...
1.Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
2.Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
3.Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
4.Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
5.Control: A short, ugly inmate.
6.Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7.Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
8.Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9.Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.
10.Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.
11.Misty: How golfers create divots.
12.Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
13.Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.
14.Polarize: What penguins see with.
15.Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
16.Relief: What trees do each spring.
17.Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.
18.Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
19.Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20.Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
21.Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.
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and finally...
A Cowboy's Guide to Life:
** Don't squat with your spurs on.
** The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
** If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin.
** If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
** It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
** Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
** If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
** Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
** Always drink upstream from the herd.
** Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.
** If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.
** Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
** Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.
** The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.