My bad on missing the humor, I'm new here. Haha
DDOS attacks can be done using ICMP, or really anything that is capable of overloading the victim's connection. If I have a 50 meg upload, and someone has a 10 meg download, I can DDOS them through an ICMP flood with a Linux machine.
All HTTP/HTTPS requests happen on ports 80, 443, and 8080. If you block those ports, no website will work short of a web server with a strange port number, then you'd have to put. Domain.com:port in your browser to get to the site.