Hindsite Traders

[Stock Lobster]

You might own FHAL stock if:

Your family tree does not fork.

The primary color of your car is "bondo".

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You think that your sister is not your sister anymore just because you get a divorce.

Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.

You've ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that's mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your considered an expert on wormbeds.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

You think a turtleneck is the key ingredient for soup.

You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.

You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.

You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.

You've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.

After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.

You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.

You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.

You've been on T.V. more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like.

Your dad walks you to school because he's in the same grade.

People come to your door every day mistakenly thinking that you're having a yard sale.

You've ever lugged a gallon of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

If your biggest decision when going on vacation is to use paper or plastic.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a Weed-eater indoors.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mud-flaps.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

You stare at a can of orange juice just because it says, "CONCENTRATE".

You sit on your roof Christmas Eve with a shotgun hoping to fill your deer quota for the year.

Your mother has ever gotten into a fight at a football game.

You think that a Buglite and a six-pack make an evening of quality entertainment.

Your cowboy hat is bigger than your shoes.

Somebody yells "Hoe-down!" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

You snort a dog chain from your mouth to your nose because you think it is cool.

You're mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said, "Y'all come look at this before I flush it."


with apologies and thanks to Jeff Foxworthy!