If there is one movie you don't see this year, Lady in the Water should be it.
.0018 pickles.
Beyond horrible. Whatever reviewer compared it to The Princess Bride was clearly paid off. Did Giamatti read the script before agreeing to do this? Or does someone have pictures of him with a German Sheppard? I got the feeling that the writer/director was looking around his kitchen when creating the plot. And that the movie was the result of a bet among hollywood types that any piece of trash could be successful given a sufficient advertising budget.
Spoilers, I guess.
The best thing about the movie was the psuedo druidic hyerogliphs in the opening credits. It was all downhill from there. Then there is this mermaid fragile waif creature, who is leaping out of a swimming pool in an apartment complex from Under the Tuscan Sun, stealing costume jewelry. To save mankind, of course.
She was a narf, no wait, a MADAME NARF. Then there is this wolf like twig creature that is supposed to be this badass monster. It can't help itself from attacking the madame narf, although fear of monkey tthings would keep it from attacking just a regular narf. Despite the fact that this frail creature has to be wet down the whole movie, like a beached whale, the monster gets a hold of her twice and only manages some scratches on the legs. Then there are these twig constructed monkey things that are supposed to punish the twig and grass constructed wolf thing, but they don't show up until the end.
Why is this madame narf even here? To clarify the mind of some Indian guy who is writing "The Cook Book", so he can be assasinated and change the world.
Then there are the cast. An old Chinese woman that reveals the story within the story, but only finishes when Giamatti curls up on her sofa saying gaga googoo with a milk mustache. He is never going to live down that scene. Then there are the Guild which are this group of stoner guys, no wait, it's not the stoner guys, it's a group of 5 sisters with 2 random women thrown in so there is 7. Then there is the protector who is Giamatti, no wait, it's this body builder that only works his right side. Then there is this healer who is this woman because a butterfly lands on her, no wait, it is Giamatti. Then there is the interpreter who is this black guy that does crossword puzzles all day, no wait, it's not him, it is his son. Who interprets cereal boxes and makes a typo on the Applejacks.
The rest of the apartment complex walks around the pool with brooms to defend the madame narf from the wolf twiggy thing. Yup, brooms. The monkey twiggy things show up in the end and kill the wolf twiggy thing.
Oh, I almost forgot about giamatti swimming under water for a half an hour before sucking the air out of inverted pint glass with a bic pen which saves him. And that he was a doctor before becoming a janitor because his family was killed by burglars.
I might never pay to see a movie again.
