**If you wanna laugh real hard, and possibly cry, read this :
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.
Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he
roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest, the result was
the 80's.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always
says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse
kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he
gets the pleasure.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met
Chuck Norris.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is
only another fist.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas
Ranger; it is! actually a list of people that Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to
people anyway.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck
Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his
mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in
time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot,
Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting
them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability.
Shortly after the transaction ! was finalized, Chuck
roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't
stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming.
They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is
"Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply
stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine
as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply
pointing at her and saying "booya".
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his
finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop
the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the
alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It
wa! s more "humane".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was
the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his
bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck
Norris.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as
hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself,
"That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then
you are dead wrong.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not
because he is gay, but because he has run out of
women.
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris
to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video
game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every
button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When a!
sked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no
glitch."
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field
goal of a high school football game. When the football
went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick
the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the
uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the
stadium.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby
Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to
his dying day. The other Wise men, jealous of Jesus'
obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after,
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard
that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in
time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying
over the Pacific Ocean.
The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris -robot
in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas
Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing
Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was
far too much awesome for a single show, however, so
it was divided.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of
elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit
his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it
honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right
legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong.
Jesus has missed two.
Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels
them.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do
with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of
World Records it notes that all world records are held
by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are
simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep
Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in
human skulls.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of
creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code
45-11.... a suicide.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks
the cows and the butter comes straight out.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck
Norris' fist.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this
spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact
a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and
that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can
stretch diamonds back into coal.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck
Norris.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects
Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room
itself.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He
potato-sacks them.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines
the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a
bucket.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who
has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends
could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't
get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words
assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless
Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is
most likely soaked in blood and tears.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in
France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to
be on the safe side.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than
20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this
"a slow Tuesday."
Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the
face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is
Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right
one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than
the other one.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting
people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no
survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulete with a fully
loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but
only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears
Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping
pills. They made him blink.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a
massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder.
If you're still alive, it's because Chuck Norris loves
you.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
AI
