Tornado Alley (PROG)

[arizona1]

An Open Letter to Liz Lauten

First, let's start with the good news. Don Imus called to say "Thank You!" After your recent comments about the Obama girls, no one will remember why they were mad at him. He's tickled pink. "Christmas came early!" is all he can say.
Word on the InterToobs is you said Sasha and Malia are ... let me get this right now....

Disrespectful and Dress Like Bar Sluts

Wow. The Colbert Nation salutes you, Ma'am. You've got balls. Big.Brass.Balls. The kind you can see from the International Space Station!

We understand how hard it must be for you to choke down the bile that rises in your throat every time you hear about those black people living in the White House. After all, they are so low class, trailerpark trash. Nothing like the Bush girls. Oh...wait a second... let's skip the Bush girls. Unless you want pictures, because Google's got 'em.

But let's focus on you, Elizabeth Lauten. I have to confess, I am a bit surprised that you, Elizabeth Lauten (photo courtesy of your LinkedIn page), the former New Media Director for the RNC would be bold enough to publish something so vicious and mean-spirited on the InterToobs as you did. Even more amazing is you didn't even publish it on your own Facebook Page. Instead, you chose to publish this bile on your boss's page?!?!?, I am talking about the Facebook page of Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-TN). I know, the R is redundant here. I mean what else would it be when someone gets called out for making completely thoughtless and cruel comments about young black girls who's only crime was being born. But I wanted to make sure we didn't get him confused with any other Stephen Fincher's on Facebook

I realize you have been going through some bad times....

I mean, moving from New Media Director for the RNC during a presidential campaign season down to Communications Director for the Republicans in the House of Representatives and then down to a lowly staff position for a lowly representative must be a bit disheartening. The strain is starting to show. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if you are going to leave the house, put on a dress, slacks, a skirt.... anything but your hospital gown! Cinching in the waist isn't fooling anyone, dear. You look like .... a cheap bar slut. Is that really what you want people to say? In this town? Class it up a little, you know what I mean?

Look, we all know you've fallen off the career path to success, but sometimes this is how the Lord tests us. Speaking of which, Lord knows, keeping details straight can be next to impossible. But, child, some things really do deserve to be written down. You know, like netiquette. Common manners. Stuff like your grandma would have taught you if you weren't raised by wolves.

Speaking of wolves. When you were working at the RNC, didn't Ted Stevens explain to you how the InterToobs work? Surely, someone told you that stuff you post on the InterToobs is there forever? Maybe you thought they were kidding. Maybe you thought it was short attention span theater out here. Maybe you thought being blonde bought you special privileges. Well, bless your heart. Whoever told you that, they were telling you some mighty tall tales. You just going to have to live with the knowledge this tar baby is gonna stick to you like white on rice. You might want to give Monica a call for some life advice. You're gonna need it.

I hear you prayed long and hard before you issued an apology. Really?! As a trained media professional, did you really have to say LONG and HARD? Child, what exactly where you praying about? Do you even focus? There's nothing long and hard to be thinking about here. We're talking about young girls. Let's keep this family friendly, OK? If I was you, I know one thing I would be praying over -- I'd be praying my BOSS, Rep. Stephen Fincher (R-TN) was super busy this holiday weekend and didn't notice you rolled up on his property and peed all over the carpet. If anyone knew you had posted that vile attack on those innocent children in his name, they might think he actually approved what you said. Of course, if he keeps you on his payroll folks might talk. They might say stuff like "Rep. Stephen Fincher is a closet racist who lets his staffers trashtalk so he can keep his hands clean but still give a wink and a nod to his klavern constituents."

Don't worry, I'm not saying anyone actually is saying that about him -- at least not yet. But you know how people get when they get to talking. Oh that reminds me, Liz Trotta called. She wanted to thank you, too. After suggesting Sasha (age 13) and Malia (age 15) were getting ready to follow in the footsteps of the Bush girls and go clubbing, no one is going to remember her tasteless joke.

I realize you probably thought the girls were older than they look. After all, if you stand next to them they are so big. So black. So threatening. Just like their mother, right? It's a wonder they don't have kids of their own, right? I know you know they don't, but we all know what girls go to bars for, right?

One reason I wanted to reach out to you was to give you a chance to clarify what you mean exactly when you said they were looking for .... what was it... "a spot at the bar" I think were your words. Just to be clear. Was that a spot at the bar or would a booth be more appropriate? I just want to get the slut shaming etiquette right.

The other reason I wanted to reach out to you was I know there are going to be a whole raft of reaction gifs, Youtube rants, e-card jokes, and reddit mockery, and Twitter comments with your name -- Elizabeth Lauten -- all over it. I see you already have a Twitter tag. Hope you got the extended warranty, because people are going to be riding that like there's no tomorrow. Expect all kinds of stuff. You know, like people photoshopping your face onto an ad for The Most Interesting Man in the World, with a caption that says:

I don't always post to Facebook drunk.... but when I do, I like to insult innocent black girls.

I'm not saying anyone is doing that ... yet. But you know how people get when someone starts a meme on the InterToobs about someone who has behaved in a totally reprehensible way and thinks they are going to get away saying Jesus forgives them. At times like these, it's easy to think you are all alone and no one is thinking of you. Perish the thought, girl! We're gonna do everything we can to keep you in our thoughts. That's why from now on -- when someone posts truly ugly, disgusting, uncalled for things about people who have done nothing at all, ever, to deserve that -- we're gonnna call it

Pulling a Liz Lauten!
No need to thank me. You deserve it.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2014/11/29/1348281/-An-Open-Letter-to-Liz-Lauten