2004 Version of You Might Be A Redneck If...

Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has ever asked to "borrow a quart of beer."

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work
on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas
parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag
carpet.

You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what
stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find
that when women make love they produce amounts of the
hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin
smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of
suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The
sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin
glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on
during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It
stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the
body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and
you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It
releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a
sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of
well being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be
offered. The sexually active body gives off greater
quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These
subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS
10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away.
Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth
and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque buildup.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking
session can release the tension that restricts blood
vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex
is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma
and hay fever.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is

> prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only

> see their reflection in a mirror.

>

> (Do they look different reversed?)

>

> *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

> applies to undertakers. The organs of the deceased must be covered with a

> brick or piece of wood at all times.

>

> (A brick??)



> *~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

>

> (Much worse than "going blind!")

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and

> deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the

> first time... Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins

> to marry.

>

> (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the

> world that even comes close to this?)

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous

> husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the

> other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

>

> (Ah! Justice!)

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical

> fish stores.

>

> (But of course!)

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the

> first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

>

> (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

>

> *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

> In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman

> and her daughter at the same time.

>

> (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this

> law?)

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one

> exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in

> places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption

> on the premises."

> (Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam, though!)

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight

> and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

> (From drinking little bottles of...? How did the govt. pay for this

> research??)

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> Butterflies taste with their feet.

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> Starfish don't have brains.

>

> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.

>

> (And you think you have bad breath?)





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't just Search. Find! The new MSN Search: Fast. Clear. Easy.

Subject: The Lone Ranger



The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the
big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd
like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to
feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto,
I want you to run around Silver, and see if you can create enough of a
breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around
Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the
bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who
owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him
this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...



(...I JUST LOVE THIS...)



"Nothin', but you left your Injun running

Good evening just got in from this morning.....

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom.. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
the lizard!" Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies." "What?" my son demanded . "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed
to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,
while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the
family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make
the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!",
they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a
scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son
urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie , breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother
noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she
does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I
suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," ! my
wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing
that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm
picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more
air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he
told me "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker - .....Priceless.. !!!!!!!

I will as long as I find them. Thx.

Yes , thought it was excellent.

OT


For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column for the on-line
website called "Monday Night At Morton's", from that famous restaurant
which was often frequented by Hollywood Stars. Now, Ben is terminating the
column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column to
our military is worth a few minutes of your time because it praises the
most unselfish among us; our military personnel, others who protect us
daily and portrays a valuable lesson learned in his life.

Ben Stein's Last Column...

How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?


As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put
a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is
"eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing
this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved
writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never
end. It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a
person and the world's change have overtaken it.

On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as
many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and
definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and
we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk
with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the
Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was,
though it probably will be again.

Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood
stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly
people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man
or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in
front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look
up to.
How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane
luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone
bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not
riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained
in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese
girls do their nails. They can be interesting, nice people, but they are
not heroes to me any longer.

A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head
into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb
or a hail of AK-47 bullets.
Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the
decent people of the world. A real star is the U.S.
soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He
approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.. A real star, the
kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad
who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded d ordnance on a
street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw
himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California
and a little girl alive in Baghdad.

The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish
weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two
of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for
the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists. We put couples with
incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms
and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in
Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic
Circle are anonymous as they live and die.

I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor
values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who
is eating at Morton's is a big subject. There are plenty of other stars in
the American firmament....the policemen and women who go off on patrol in
South Central and have no idea if they will return alive, The orderlies and
paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and
prepare them for surgery, the teachers and nurses who throw their whole
spirits into caring for autistic children, the kind men and women who work
in hospices and in cancer wards. Think of each and every fireman who was
running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to
collapse.

Now you have my idea of a real hero. We are not responsible for the
operation of the universe, and what happens to us is not terribly
important.
God is real, not a fiction, and when we turn over our lives to Him, he
takes far better care of us than we could ever do for ourselves. In a
word, we make ourselves sane when we fire ourselves as the directors of the
movie of our lives and turn the power over to Him.
I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that
matters. This is my highest and best use as a human.

I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great
an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin....or Martin Mull or
Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good
a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them. But I
could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a
good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my
main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with
my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared
for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my
father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then
entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.

This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers
in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived
to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in
return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has
placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.

By Ben Stein

> > Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Golf is Better Than SEX
> >
> >
> > #10 - A below par performance is considered good.
> >
> > #9 - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple
> of
> > beers.
> >
> > #8 - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
> >
> > #7 - Foursomes are encouraged.
> >
> > #6 - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
> >
> > #5 - Three times a day is possible.
> >
> > #4 - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone
> else.
> >
> > #3 - If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
> >
> > #2 - You don'!t have to cuddle with your partner when you're
> finished.
> >
> > And the #1 reason Golf is better than sex........
> >
> >
> >
> > #1 - If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

You did good.

I'm going to click on NFLX and run up thier costs. LOL

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist
from the Midwest was fascinated with all the Chinese
restaurants, shops, signs, and banners.

He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign,
"Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."
"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that fit in
Chinatown?"

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard
looking Chinese laundry. He could see the proprietors
were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as
there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs
sporting the logo, "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."


There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs,
indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists
into the shop.

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece
to take back to his office.
Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who
thanked him for the purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name
like "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answered, "Oh, everybody asks me that. It's the
name of the owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here now?"

"He is right here," replied the old man. "He is me."

"Really? You're Chinese.. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

"It is simple," said the old man. "Many, many years ago when I came to this country, I was standing in line at the documentation center. The man in front of me was a Jewish gentleman from Poland. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, "What is your name?" He said, "Moshe Plotnik." Then she looked at me and said, "What is your name?"

I said, "Sam Ting."

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered.... is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is .. if you don't let a woman have her own way ... things are gonna get ugly!

First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
> > students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered,
> > "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
> >
> > Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While
> > Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principle
> > what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
> >
> > Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
> >
> > Harry: "9"
> >
> > Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
> >
> > Harry: "36"
> >
> > And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
> >
> > Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
> >
> > Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
> >
> > Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
> >
> > Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?"
> >
> > The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question?
> >
> > Harry replied: "Pockets.."
> >
> > Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
> >
> > Harry: "Pants"
> >
> > Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
> >
> > Harry: "Coconut"
> >
> > Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and! pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
> >
> > The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
> >
> > Harry said: "Bubble gum"
> >
> > Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
> >
> > Before the principal could say anything, Harry said: "Shake hands"
> >
> > Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
> >
> > Harry: "Firetruck"
> >
> > The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven wrong."

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER..... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN!

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

How To Replace Mouse Balls


I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face.

This was a real memo sent out by a computer company

(IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine.
The engineers rolled on the floor!
Especially note the last couple of sentences.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.
However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement,the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls
should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous................. Slept with everyone
Athletic...................................... No tits
Average looking.................... Ugly
Beautiful........................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.................. Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure...................... On medication
Free spirit.................................... Junkie
Friendship first.......................... Former slut
Fun.......................................... Annoying
New-Age............ Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned............................. No BJs
Open-minded................................. Desperate
Outgoing...................... Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate............................... Sloppy drunk
Professional.................................... Bitch
Wants Soul mate............................... Stalker

The stupidity of our fellow "sub-humans"?

>Most of these are sad but true.

>

>

>Darwin Awards are out for 2004 ...

>

>Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honor

>given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing

>themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was

>the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of

>him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees

>this year in reverse order are:

>

>7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

>because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with

>milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into

>the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his

>house down, killing both him and his sister.

>

>6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of

>suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and

>weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and

>white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to

>create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas

>mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its

>place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow

>tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted

>into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.

>Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his

>family very awkward.

>

>5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when

>another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the

>occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and

>crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around

>their ankles.

>

>4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he

>tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.

>Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch

>of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the

>other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the

>pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think

>Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord

>that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the

>ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major

>trauma."

>

>3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a

>friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The

>friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

>

>2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of

>a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all

>potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had

>been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon

>entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the

>dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later

>described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and

>retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of

>the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces

>of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the

>lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected

>of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

>

>AND THE WINNER.

>

>1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez

>tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.

>Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez

>managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.

>Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank

>on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly

>in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,

>collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height

>of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his

>testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.

>Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was

>plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other

>testicle was compressed and fla! ttened as it was pulled between the

>housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to

>injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from

>the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the

>hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the

>course.

>

>NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.But

>because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity,

>we have allowed it.

Mad Cow

http://www.totallytom.com/MadCow.html

Marriage Humor
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Beaver ware!

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's office receptionist who insists you describe what is wrong in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.

"The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you
need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only
five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game
before
helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in
"Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot
and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
over
"Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're
welcome.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can
avoid if they remember the terminology!

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar
by himself. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building
three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, and jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, hits the pavement, where her body virtually explodes,
breaking every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman,
you're a real asshole when you're drunk!

I can't belive how many you post.I wish i knew how to post some of the emails I get.

I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem.
> > >When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the sample from another
> > >Mrs. Reed were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the situation is either bad or terrible.
> > >"What do you mean?"
> > >"Well, one Mrs. Reed tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
> Mrs.Reed
> > >has tested positive for AIDS. We cant tell which is your wife.
> > >"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
> > >"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO and they won't pay for these
> expensive
> > >test more than once in a year, so we can't repeat the test until next
> year.
> > >"Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
> > >"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the outskirts of
> town...
> > >and if she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks very grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree," says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with
their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals
her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy
any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's
$20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd
any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o
Jasus, 'n the sake of decency here's a comb, tidy yurself up a bit."

If you have faith and a little patience.

Extremly possible.Here sooner than you think.

Did you notice who is above the fox news header?

And so do I. Tempted to pick up another 1/2 mil. and average down to .09

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a

>> > time to reminisce. The long walks

>> > we used to take. The long drives, the special trips he would make to

>> > pick me up so I could spend

>> > weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

>> >

>> > Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel

>>in

>> > the crown of grandfatherly

>> > advice, came when I was only 12 .. We were sitting in a park, watching

>> > children and their mothers

>> > enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a

>> > woman and start my own family.

>> >

>> > "And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

>> >

>> > "How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

>> >

>> > "It makes your pecker look bigger."

>> >

>> > Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room
number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room
302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that
Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just
came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to
be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried!

God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your
daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me
shit."

Just got back from a double funeral. Both my aunts on my wife's side passed away with in 12 hrs of each other last friday. Looking at GZFX pps just now, feels like I just went to my own.

Thx, will do.

Funny Lesbian Jokes


1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
...A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
...A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
...Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
....Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
...Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
...A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
...Well Hung.

9. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
...Potpourri.


10. What did the lesbian vampire school teachers say to her partner?
...See you next period.

11. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
...She was found face down in Ricki Lake.



12. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
...Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

13. Do you know what drag is?
...It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.



14. What do you call lesbian twins?
...Lick-a-likes.

15. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
...She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

16. What's the definition of confusion?
...Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

17. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
....One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

A blonde was on holidays in the rain forest of Northern Queensland.
She
wanted
desperately to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was
very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the
highly prized shoes.


After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers at Kuranda market, the blonde shouted, "Well
then
maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes
at
a decent price!"


The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, well why
don't you just go and give it a try".


The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps and
marshes, determined to catch herself a crocodile.


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
the side of the road near the mangrove swamp where he spots that same
young
woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.


Just then, he spots a huge 6 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a
great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby
were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the
bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence.


Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the big croc on its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,
she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"